Name: Bill Burr - Advice On Having A Baby
Uploaded: 2013-10-30T12:27:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice On Having A Baby' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-10-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice On Having A Baby' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-10-30. Transcript available.

advice on having a baby she had a baby man she had a baby advice on having a
baby hey bill i need
some advice you're talking to me i what the fuck i'm nowhere near that he said
my wife and i are
both 27 years old she is a graduate from college and working i'm getting a
master's degree and
will not be done for another two and a half years the issue is she is getting
to the point where she
wants to have a baby not now but some but sometime right after i graduate i on
the other hand am not
wanting a baby anytime soon but no but by the time i graduate i will have been
in college for nearly
eight years after i graduate my wife and i will have a dual income of well over
100 grand a year
i grew up in a family in a fairly poor family i worked hard to get my schooling
so i want to enjoy
the rewards i want a nice apartment nice things and to travel the world if we
just start having kids we
won't be able to travel and if we just have kids right after i graduate i'll go
from a life of stress
from school to a life of stress from parenthood but i understand my wife's
concern if we wait until we
are 33 or 34 to start having kids we could have some trouble conceiving and if
it takes us too long
she could give birth to a mentally challenged child which does run in my family
jesus christ dude this
is one of the more serious ones i love my wife and plan on being with her the
rest of my life it's
just a shame that my goals are to travel and have nice things and her goals are
to start a family
so what do you think bill any advice uh that's some pretty heavy shit there um
well i don't understand why when you're you're um going to school right now
that you guys can't
save up a little bit of money and go to aruba for a few days you could do
little mini ones
you know what i mean i think there's a way to kind of do both and um i think if
you express all your
concerns to your wife and just say look i don't want to be that couple that
just goes from school to
having kids and then once we have kids all we do is just do the kid thing um i
don't know dude
i don't know what to tell you here um
fuck i i definitely understand i mean you went from a life of poverty right to
a life of school
and then you're going to go right to a life of being a parent when do you
actually get to sit back
and enjoy a nice flat screen tv watching some sports or maybe go travel in
europe or something
like that um look dude you could do this you could have a kid i don't know how
close you are with you
know the parents on either side um i think you can have your cake and eat it
why don't you just have
a fucking kid and then also save up for a fucking epic 10-day trip somewhere
through um
through europe and then just just make a pact with your wife and just say
listen once every two years
or once every whatever i want to uh i want to go on a trip and we'll leave the
kid behind or the kids
behind my parents did that they went to vegas and my grandparents came to time
it was great we ended up
developing a relationship with our grandparents it was a good thing and it was
also good socially
it was good for us as kids to have a different sort of disciplinary dynamic
jesus christ i remember i tested my grandmother too and she broke a fucking
wooden spoon would have been
over my head but i got my arm up and i blocked it i kept messing i saw her the
way we were renting this
we weren't lived in a duplex when i was a kid for a certain uh number of years
and um the way we had
it set up was uh it went kitchen living room and then dining room so you had to
walk through the living
room we kind of altered the living room and kitchen a couple of times trying to
figure out which was best
and uh this was just a period where there was uh it went kitchen and then we
had the living room and
then we're using the other room as a dining room so anyways we there was this
old shitty rug and there
was a hole in it so my mother had put a throw rug over the hole on the floor so
i saw my grandmother
walk by through the living room as she was setting the table and she saw the uh
the throw rug was messed
up and i just heard her mumble to herself she said now why does this keep
getting messed up
so she walked into the kitchen that was literally my cue she'd straightened out
walked into the kitchen
so i said all right fuck so i got off the couch and i messed it up and went
over i went back and i sat
down so then she comes walking out with the dishes or the food she sees it
again she goes now what just
happened it was i just straightened this out so she straightens it out goes in
the dining room walks
back into the kitchen and i got up and i messed it up again she came third time
sees it again
and she doesn't fucking say anything which should have been a warning to me
so she straightened it out and then she walked into the kitchen
and turned the corner and i got back up again to go mess it up and right as i'm
grabbing it to mess it
up i hear i hear this stomp and she took a quick step back and looked back out
right in the middle of it
saw me messing it up and she just had this wooden spoon in her hand and just
came fucking flying at me
like if it was an axe i wouldn't be here right if it was a hatchet i would have
been dead she gave me
like billy bob when she fucking when he kills that country singer right came
flying at me i just
remember crouching down and putting my arm up and it did fucking snapped in
half over my forearm
she had this look of anger on her face slammed it down snapped it over my arm
and then she just
after it snapped she just went well that's the end of that spoon and then she
just walked back out
into the kitchen and uh that was it so i think that's a good thing if they stay
if they stay with
their grandparents i think you can do both i think as a couple if you really
sit down and you say what's
important to you um you know and this is very easy for me to say not having a
child and having it
completely consume your life you who knows your priorities might change or
whatever but there's
also something to say too that if you start early i mean if you started now you're
27 your kid would
be 18 when you're 45 my age right now and then you can travel um you know 45
kids out of college
by the time you're 49 then you have your golden years 50s 60s 70s 80s depending
on how if you eat
right your juice you can live right up to fucking 90 and you can go see the
goddamn world but there's
no reason why you can't do that right now even though that you're in school
there's no reason why you
can't go to puerto rico or go to hawaii there's some beautiful cities up in canada
you know vancouver
toronto montreal is fucking tremendous um there's all beautiful uh cities here
in the states there's
all kinds of things that you can do and you can do them really cheaply when you
don't have any kids
dude literally just backpack it just put a backpack on staying fucking hostels
who gives a fuck
you know just go i would just say go and do it i would just yeah do it now do
it now uh but i think
that you can do both and um i also say everybody i know who's ever had a kid
has never regretted it
never never ever regretted it so um you know i i but i think it's also
important that if you do
something like that to to not lose yourself in all of it all right there i've
said my piece