Name: Bill Burr - Homemade Ravioli
Uploaded: 2013-11-05T15:52:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Homemade Ravioli' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Homemade Ravioli' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-05. Transcript available.

By the way, dude, I tried another, you know, I've been sober here for fucking
13 days.
I like it.
I like it in the morning.
I hate it at night.
In the morning, I want to hug somebody.
But at night, I, you know, I don't know what I want to do.
But I want to inflict pain on somebody.
So I've just been trying to fill up those times with some that I used to booze.
And I'm not done forever, people.
I'm coming back.
All right.
Just like Mariana Rivera, I'm coming back.
I tried, you know, I tried to make homemade ravioli for the first time.
Okay.
And like an asshole.
Rather than just trying to make the homemade ravioli and making a simple ricotta
filling.
Just keeping it simple like that.
Or maybe just making a sketti.
Right.
What does old Billy Fuckface do?
He tries to make a braised short rib ravioli with this mushroom gravy on top.
It was like trying to make three fucking entrees by myself.
I already knew how to make braised short ribs.
So I had to go through that whole fucking process just to get the filling for
the ravioli that I had never made.
So for the first time in my life, my mother bought me one of those KitchenAid
mixes like seven years ago, and I have never used it.
The fucking thing weighs more than the goddamn Stanley Cup.
And I finally took this thing out of the back of my poor excuse for a pantry,
and I set it down, and I had the pasta-making attachment.
And I can't even tell you how fucking excited I was.
So I watched this Sicilian woman.
I'll send you the link to it where she makes this homemade pasta.
Semolina with her fucking perfect – you just look at her.
She's from Sicily.
It's not like she's Sicilian and she's lived over here for a couple of – I'll
just show it to you.
When you look at her Fred Sanford fucking hands, you know that she's been kneading
pasta dough since the day she came out of the womb, and she knew what the fuck
she was doing.
So the dough actually came out all right.
I probably should have kneaded it a little bit more, but I didn't have that –
the ravioli thing.
And it's like you're like a notary republic, and you got to stamp it down.
So I make the fucking – I make the fucking ravioli.
It actually came out really good.
I could have mixed it a little bit more.
There was a little bit of granulated semolina, so I kind of fucked it up a
little bit.
And then I put my filling in there, caramelized onions with braised short ribs
and a little bit of carrots in there.
Fucking delicious.
Stick it in this shit.
And I go to make these things, and I fucked up on two levels.
One, I didn't seal them correctly.
And two, I made them too big.
Because I guess when you drop them in the water, when they're done is when they
float.
But mine was so big, they were like fucking barges, and they were just floating
up top, and they weren't sealed.
And all the fucking – all the fucking filling came out of them, in them.
It was a fucking mess.
It was an absolute fucking mess.
And I almost started crying.
It took me – like that entire process took about five and a half hours.
It took me three hours to fucking braise the short ribs, get all the
ingredients, braise the short ribs in a fucking Dutch oven.
It just – I didn't – you know what?
I didn't waste a day.
You learn something in your failures.
I know how to caramelize onion.
I know how to fucking reduce that goddamn sauce down to a fucking gravy.
And the douchebag with the YouTube video, the way you edited the shit together,
you made it seem like that took five minutes.
So I should have already started sautéing my mushrooms, you cunt.
And you fucking left half of the ingredients off of your shit because you won
that cooking contest with it.
All right?
And I get it.
You want to be a celebrity chef so you don't want to tell all your fucking
secrets.
So why don't you put up a recipe of PB&J next time instead of having this vague
thing and having me waste my whole fucking Saturday, you cunt.
Ah, forget it.
All right.
So anyways.
But a homemade pasta.
Not that hard to do.
I'm going to do it again tonight.
Picking myself up off the mat, unlike George Foreman when Mali got knocked him
down back in the day.
Right?
I'm getting up.
I'm coming out.
I'm going to try spaghetti tonight.
Making it nice and simple.
All right?
I got a Prego sauce.
I don't give a fuck.
I'm working on my pasta game tonight.
And that'll be easy.
I got the attachment.
You just, you know, send it through number one a couple of times.
And then two, then up to three, I think.
And then I'll put the fucking skeddy attachment on and I'll send it right
through the fucker.
And that's going to be it.
That's what I'm hoping.
Jesus Christ.
What happened to me?
You know what happened?
I stopped drinking.
That's what happened.
When I stopped drinking.
All right.
The booze goes away and the apron comes out of the drawer.
All right.