Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Holiday Friend
Uploaded: 2013-11-26T15:14:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Holiday Friend' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Holiday Friend' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2013-11-26. Transcript available.

holiday friend, Billy-o, I've been seeing this girl for about a month and a
half,
handful of dinners and some sex, very nice, you like to eat, you like to fuck,
who doesn't like
doing that, this guy's over here like, what do you want from me, she's super
cool, but I'm
emotionally unavailable, oh, you son of a, you had a bad father, bad parents,
what happened,
huh, you get thrown in a burlap sack and beaten with a reed like fucking Dr.
Evil, what happened
to you, he said, I got too much stuff going on with work to be thinking about a
relationship,
however, I'm enjoying this casual situation, she seems to be happy as well, oh,
Jesus, dude,
you're gonna break her heart, man, women don't look at this shit the way we do,
she seems happy
as well, because she's probably thinking it's going somewhere, is what I'm
guessing, and then
one day you'll be like, yeah, you know, I'm not feeling it, and then she's
gonna start
crying, and it'll be like, what the fuck, I thought we were just fucking, and
then she'll
be like, that's all you thought this was, that's all I was to you this whole
time, we went out,
we got ice cream, you know, it's like, just picture Seinfeld crying, that's
what you're
gonna hear, why would you do that, um, however, I'm enjoying the casual
situation, she seems
to be happy as well, so what do I, what do I get her for Christmas that doesn't
make it
look like I've made room for her toothbrush, dude, you shouldn't get her
anything for Christmas,
don't get her a fucking thing for Christmas, don't fuck her until after
Christmas, why are
you filling up her heart with hope, don't do this, I've done this, you're gonna
hurt her,
he goes, I was thinking about some small things, a book, and maybe a sweatshirt
from this place
on the beach that she likes, oh, well, isn't that thoughtful, dude, get her a
pack of Fig
Newtons, like, share her a package of those, let her know where you stand, he
said, P.S.,
the last gift I bought a girl was a few years back, we've been dating for three
years, and
she cheated on me, oh, we had been dating for three years, and she cheated on
me, I found
out over Thanksgiving, and when it came time to give Christmas presents, I
handed her a
frame with a poem, the first part of the poem was super sweet, she was getting
emotional,
then she got to the last line which read, after these words, your heart should
feel heated,
but instead, I'm gonna peace, cause bitch, you cheated, holy shit, wait a
minute, is that a true story?
I don't even care if you made it up, you have to write back, I wanna hear what
happened, what
the fuck did she say?
Jesus Christ, dude, that's like, I'd expect like, that's like, that's really
deep, man, that's
really clever, that's really intelligent, that's the kind of thing a woman
would do, you know,
we're usually just knees and elbows, like, what, you suckers dick, you know,
just start
screaming at him, cause then you know you're in a full Nelson by some other
fucking jerk-off,
dragging you away, and you're in the right, that's really, uh, that's really
amazing, um,
I would say, I would say this, uh, oh wait, this is my podcast person texting
me right now,
trying to call me right now, and he's getting on a plane, so that's why this
podcast is late,
alright, and also I had to do this radio tour, go fuck yourselves, alright, it's
the holiday
week, I'm sitting here in my slippers, whatever your thoughts, um, my thoughts
are, you're really
gonna hurt this woman, cause I feel like you haven't had a conversation with
her, you said,
you said, however, I'm enjoying this casual situation, and you said she seems
to be happy
as well, so that indicates to me that you guys haven't talked, sat down and
talked this
out, and I can guarantee you, if this woman is anything like the women that I've
dated,
it's already too late, alright, um, she might be happy thinking like, oh wow,
he's taking,
it's slow, he's really getting to know me, you know, he got me a sweatshirt
from this place on
the beach that I like, he's paying attention to me, he, he is noticing things
about me, you know what
it is, dude, you are actually, you're actually a relationship guy, but this
other woman ruined you,
and you gotta get that hate out of your heart, or the defensiveness out of your
heart, before you
should be messing around with somebody like that, like, right now, what you
should be doing is just
going out, and just, I don't know, working on yourself, while fucking
everything that moves, or, or maybe
not, you shouldn't be going, like, don't hurt this, like, I don't know what's
going on, because this is
still very vague, but don't hurt this woman, because that last one hurt you, I've
made that mistake,
it's a bad, it's bad, dude, and I, and I, I'm not judging you for being in that
situation, because
you're a guy, and you shouldn't understand them, but now that I understand them
a little bit more,
uh, you know, I'm, I'm, you're headed for a fucking, if I had to guess, you're
headed for a rough
Christmas, or shortly after Christmas, you know, when she goes, you want to
meet my parents, and I can
wear this sweatshirt that you got me from the place on the beach that you like,
you know, and she'll
bring that up right after she just blew you in your Saturn, and you'd be like,
yeah, you know, I was
going to watch the Holiday Bowl instead with some buddies of mine, going to
watch the Outback
Steakhouse, Steakhouse fucking Bowl, and then she'd be like, well, wait a
minute, like, why,
well, I, I don't understand, and then you'd be like, and then you're going to
be starting to sense,
well what do you mean you don't understand i just invited you to meet my
parents and you like you
don't want to meet them is these i'm a little offended i mean these these are
these are my
parents jaw starts hanging down you can't even understand what she's saying and
you're like
and then she starts crying and then if you're like most guys you get mad
because you're
uncomfortable are you going to cry now i can't believe that i would be crying
and you would say
something who are you who are you okay let me out of the car let me out of the
car she
rolls into a snow drift i'm telling you dude you know you don't want to go down
this road i i got
a bad feeling i got a bad feeling about this one man um just make sure that she's
enjoying this the
same way you are dude who wouldn't like to be with the super cool girl that you
don't have to
fucking be emotionally involved with who's coming over and banging you and let
me tell you something
dude this is not 100 on you so don't feel guilty because she also hasn't sat
down and had the
conversation maybe she has her baggage maybe she sat down and said that to some
other guy and it scared
her away and she said okay not to stop did i bring up where is this guy i said
i suck his dick and hope
that he loved you too.