Name: Bill Burr - Mario Lemieux Fantasy Camp
Uploaded: 2014-01-07T17:41:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Mario Lemieux Fantasy Camp' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-01-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Mario Lemieux Fantasy Camp' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-01-07. Transcript available.

I don't know where to start.
All right.
Fuck it.
I'm going to go with the most vivid memory.
This weekend, I had the greatest weekend of my life.
About, I don't know how many months ago.
The wonderful, the generous, the always classy, and sometimes sassy, Randy Bauman
from WDVE in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Who basically, he helped build me in that market.
You know, I wasn't selling shit.
I wasn't selling any tickets in Pittsburgh.
And I think Billy Gardell told me about him.
I can't remember how the hell the thing went down.
But he has got this great morning radio show.
And he said, listen, next time you come to Pittsburgh, come in, fly in on a
Monday night.
I'll have you on the radio Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.
You run your freckled face for the four days, and we'll get you going in this
market.
He helped build me up and all that type of stuff.
As if that wasn't enough.
So he turned that weak market into one of my strongest cities to go to.
And it is such a great city to go to.
As if that wasn't enough.
Old Randy Bauman called me up, I don't know how many months ago.
And he says, listen, would you be interested in doing stand-up at the, you know,
Mario Lemieux has a fantasy camp.
And it raises money for cancer research and all this type of stuff.
It's just this great thing.
You come in, you do stand-up, you meet some of the guys.
He always has some of the guys he played with.
They're hanging out, blah, blah, blah.
And I was just like, you know, I was like, absolutely.
That's all it started as was just this little thing.
And then he calls me back.
He goes, hey, don't you play hockey a little bit?
I'm like, yeah, you know, I try.
I try.
He goes, hey, they have, you know, the camp, you know, everybody plays hockey.
They have like four teams.
They play each other and all that type of stuff.
If you want to come on and play with one of the teams one day, you play with a
Penguins play and all that.
Would you like to do that?
I'm like, absolutely.
Of course I would.
So long story short, I show up and I bring my pads and I bring all this stuff
because I think I just think it's just going to be a pickup game of hockey.
And I don't know, without getting like tacky and just saying all the stuff that
they gave everybody who it's ridiculous.
You show up, they give you a frigging hockey bag with your goddamn name on it.
And inside there is all, all the, all the stuff, the socks, the gloves, the
jersey, a helmet, the whole thing.
And all you have to do is just bring your pads.
You're good in a stick and you're fine.
And next thing you know, you're, you're playing hockey way with the Penguins
play.
Oh, and you also go to the hockey game.
It was, it's too much to even try to describe.
So anyways, we do the standup show.
I don't know who's in the crowd other than Mario Lemieux.
And I don't want to know.
I don't want to fucking know who's there because, because they're legends.
And of course I go on stage.
I look to the right and there's Mario Lemieux sitting there.
It's like, you can hide when you're six foot six.
And, uh, thank God I saw him smiling and he was laughing.
Long story short, at the end, at the end of it, I met like seven or eight guys
that I grew up watching.
I don't know.
It was just, it was just, it was the sickest thing ever.
I don't know.
It was unbelievable.
Paul Coffey, you know, other than Bobby, you're the greatest frigging defenseman
of all time.
Theo Fleury.
Brian Trottier.
It was, it was insane.
It was fucking insane.
The whole Ty Domi.
That they were all in the crowd.
Thank God.
I didn't know.
Thank God.
I didn't know.
Jesus Christ.
It was fun.
My head's spinning right now.
And, and we ended up going out with playing on the ice.
Trottier is our coach.
Lemieux's on the other team with Paul Coffey.
Mark Recchi was on my team.
Two years removed from winning a Stanley cup.
I'm playing with this guy.
And I was, it was insane.
And then a bunch of regular people, actually, everybody else was better than I
was, but I mean, just, we're all skating with them.
It was insane.
It was fucking insane.
Speechless.
I don't, I, you know, I don't even have, the only funny story I can think of
for the weekend, because I was in a daze the whole weekend, it was so awesome,
was how awful I played.
Ah, Jesus Christ.
It was fucking brutal.
I really wanted to play a lot better than I did.
I'm not going to lie to you.
And everyone's doing that.
No, no, you know, you were good.
For three years in, you were good.
Ah, don't sugarcoat it.
I sucked.
So, I'm motivated to, um, I'm motivated to fucking, uh, to get better at that
game.
So, if I ever get to do a play again, I can actually maybe handle the puck for
more than two seconds without it getting taken away from me.
But, uh, it was just the best, the best fucking time I ever had.
And, uh, I still can't believe it happened.
And, uh, I still can't believe it happened.
I was actually sitting there.
Steve Byrne was the other comic on it.
I'm sitting on the bench and he's playing defense with Paul Coffey.
And I'm watching Paul Coffey pass the puck to my buddy.
It was the sickest thing.
It was the sickest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life.
Um, yeah.
So, that happened.
And, uh, so that was the great, okay, so that was the great thing this weekend.
Dude, Ty Domi showed us how he, how he would beat up a guy a foot taller.
He showed us his technique.
I'm not going to get into it.
Ask him about it someday if you ever run into him.
It was fucking unbelievable.
And they were all hilarious.
They were all great guys.
Um, who else?
Randy Hilliard played for the Bruins for a while.
Early on when I first started watching the Bruins.
It was, it was, it was insane.
It was absolutely insane.
Um, I'm trying, I'm trying to make sure I don't forget anybody.
Rick Tarkett, Jesus Christ.
He was skating by.
Eddie Johnston.
The Bruins goalie who were one in 70 and 72.
And I was going, I was like starstruck on.
I just read Bobby Orr's book.
Uh, turn like an eight year old kid.
And he goes, Oh, I talked to him this morning.
I'll tell him you liked it.
And I was like, Oh my God.
He knows Bobby Orr.
It was just, it was insane.
The greatest thing ever.
If you're ever going to do a fantasy camp,
there's no way there's one out there.
That's better than the Mario Lemieux one.
I got to tell you, they, it was a hundred percent first class.
It was just the greatest thing ever.
All right.
So that's that.
All right.
Now, and right now I know I'm going to get in a bunch of tweets going,
Bill, fuck you.
Go fuck yourself for having that experience.
And you know what?
You're right.
I have no business having an experience like that.
Thank you to Randy Bauman for hooking the whole goddamn thing up.
I am on the wagon again.
I was on the wagon until the fucking hockey thing this weekend.
Okay.
It's not like, you know, when guys you grew, grew up watching,
start buying beers and shit, you're going to be like Clark fucking Gillies.
Sorry.
I met Clark Gillies last night.
Talk to him about his, his, his fights with Dave Schultz.
I got to do that.
Did I get to do it?
Is it all a fucking dream?
I don't even remember.
So anyway, so I am on the wagon, but I took two days off.
So, um, it was insane.
And I had like fucking three of those sandwiches, you know,
where they have the French fries and the coleslaw in them on the fucking bread.
We, we closed down that place one night, me, Steve Byrne and fucking Bauman
and a couple other, uh, a couple other people.
I just closed that place down.
Fucking Byrne was an animal, man.
Every time we went, we went to the Penguins game.
He ordered two of them.
And then we went to the fucking place.
Like the next day after our show, I should really know the name of the place.
It's like famous.
I, I never remember the name of the restaurants.
He fucking, he ate two more.
He ordered two and I ate half of his, a pastrami one with French fries and
fucking coleslaw.
It was insane.
It was insane.
And then last night they had catering and it was more of them.
And you just kept eating.
You can't not eat them.
They're delicious.
They make you obese.
They're awesome.
They're Pittsburgh.
It's everything Pittsburgh.
If you could make Pittsburgh and do a fucking sandwich, this is the goddamn
sandwich.
Some of the best heart attack food you'll ever have.
I would actually say that Pittsburgh rivals Chicago, Chicago.
Phenomenal, phenomenal fucking heart attack food.
Just like, just that, that city is just all, you know, it starts tomorrow.
The diet starts tomorrow.
I'm quitting drinking tomorrow.
Like, like the, I, I, if I lived in Chicago or if I lived in Pittsburgh, I
would be about 260 pounds.
You know?
And at that point you have to grow a mustache, some sort of facial hair.
You know, just, to, to just hide your big fucking face.
Dude, what a fucking weekend, man.
Now all this shit's coming back to me.
Trotje told the story of, he scored the fastest goal ever.
I actually watched it on YouTube when I was looking up his highlights when I
was going to go there to do the show.
And I knew that he was going to be there.
And next thing you know, he was talking about it.
And we're standing there on a phone watching it.
He scored in five seconds and he's just graciously standing there like he hasn't
won six Stanley Cups.
Talking to me like I, like I'm fucking remotely on his level.
Greatest fucking guys ever this weekend.
He's telling me, breaking down the whole play of how he scored in five seconds
and how it's only been tied.
He did it against the Bruins and it was just, uh, what a, what a fucking
weekend, man.
Ah, Christ, I'm floating here.
Um, so anyways, despite all of that, you know, what's funny is I was eating
those French fry coleslaw fucking, I almost said tuberculosis sandwiches, um,
meat sandwiches.
And the whole weekend though, I was also doing yoga every day because I was not
going to have my back give out on me while I was out on the ice.
Cause I already knew what my performance level was going to be like.
So I kind of like offset it a little bit, but, uh, I'm looking pretty doughy
these days, not liking myself whatsoever.
Once again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you to Randy Bauman for hooking
me up with the, uh, the gig.
Thank you to Mario Lemieux and all, everybody at the camp, everybody that I
played with, everybody who laughed at the jokes when me and Steve Byrne told
them, um, I don't want to speak for Steve, but I think I can.
That was, uh, we were just shaking our heads today.
Uh, we, uh, we flew back, we connected in Dallas and we got, uh, um, they were
de-icing our plane.
So we missed the connecting flight and we got stuck there for a couple of hours.
Um, those of you who follow me on Twitter, I was twittering my fucking misery
when I was there.
Um, until I saw the guy with the neck brace sneeze, that fucking killed me.
The look of panic on his face cause he knew he was going to sneeze and he knew
it was going to hurt.
I, if I could ever, if I could do that face on cue, I swear to God, I could win
a fucking Oscar.
Um, but anyways, we were sitting there in the, uh, in the airport, just talking
about,
just talking about how, how just shaking our head.
It was unbelievable.
Well, as always, you know, I'm not going to name names and all that type of
shit.
Um, but, uh, it was, it was fucking amazing, man.
Fucking amazing.
So, uh, that's it, man.
That's my, that's how my 2014 started.
And, um, people actually have pictures of me now wearing Pittsburgh penguin
Jersey.
That's the only thing, but I was willing to pay that price.
Um, I got to thank Ty Domi for punching Ulf Samuelson in the face.
It's just, how do you fucking beat that?
How, where does 2014 go from here?
Yeah.