Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Advice On Men
Uploaded: 2014-01-14T14:31:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Advice On Men' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-01-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Advice On Men' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-01-14. Transcript available.

Okay, advice on men.
Hey, bumbling Billy Boo.
I'll keep the question short to rescue you from the English language.
Ba-da-ba-ba-da-ba.
I get it.
I suck at reading out loud.
He goes, I'm a 20...
Oh, she says, oh my God, this is from a lady.
I finally get a female to write in and I trash her right out of the gate.
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
She says, I'm a 24-year-old girl and I'd like to know your best piece of advice
of understanding the human male species.
Many thanks, but at the same time, go fuck yourself.
Well, I'm sorry.
You got to be a little more specific.
I'll give you basically, generally speaking...
Jesus Christ, what do you want to know?
Basically, you want to learn how to communicate with them better?
Yeah, so you're doing the right thing.
You're asking another person.
This is actually a very smart question.
Rather than sitting around with your female friends just going, I know, right?
What is that?
God.
You sit there at a fucking wine bar, whining.
This is what you do.
You go across enemy lines and you ask, you know, a trader like me to read from
the playbook.
All right.
How guys communicate.
I can't say that we just say what we're thinking because we have liars and
passive-aggressive people and meandering little man boys.
But generally speaking, the thing that confuses us the most, I did a bit.
I can't remember if I did it on a special, but one time I was driving with Nia.
And I said, hey, I want to get a chocolate shake.
We were going by this diner.
And she freaks out.
She's like, oh, my God, they make the best chocolate shakes.
And I go, I know, right?
And she goes, yeah.
And she just goes, oh, my God, but they're so big.
She just kept saying they're so big.
And after a while, I'm thinking, like, yeah, like, fuck, how the fuck am I
going to drink this whole thing?
And then immediately just clicked on me.
Like, it's like, they're not big.
They're standard size.
Wait a minute.
She wants half of my shake, but she doesn't want to seem selfish.
But she doesn't want all the calories of the full shake.
But she doesn't want to look like she's taking away 50% of my good time.
So rather than telling me that, she's trying to mind fuck me into thinking
something that I drank a zillion times with ease is now too big.
You know what I mean?
So that's how you guys communicate.
I don't know how we communicate.
Because I can't just sit there and make it seem like guys are heroes.
They would be like, listen, I'm trying to lose weight, so can I have half your
shake?
The only thing I tell you is you're 24 years old, you shouldn't understand them.
You shouldn't understand guys.
But it's hard for me to, I don't know what you're asking.
Please write back.
Please write back advice on men part two.
Just do that again.
Just fucking write back.
Ask me something more specific and I can help you out.
But it's great that at 24, you're actually smart enough to ask guys to explain.
Let's see.
Best piece of advice.
Here's a great piece of advice.
Learn how to cook.
All right?
As stereotypical as that fucking sounds.
I don't mean it in a sexist fucking way.
All right?
I don't.
Don't be a slob and learn how to cook.
Would put you ahead of 80% of fucking women out there.
Because for some reason, somewhere along, Edith Wharton or that chick who sewed
the flag,
making a guy a sandwich became this absolutely degrading fucking thing to do.
Yet guys still have to hold the doors and fucking buy drinks.
Like, why we don't find that sexist, reverse sexist or whatever the fuck you
call it.
I remember one time I was downstairs.
I don't know what the fuck I was doing.
I was doing some pain in the ass job.
I was cleaning out something in the garage.
And without me asking or anything, Nia came downstairs with this unbelievable
sandwich she had made.
Pickles, toothpick in it, the whole fucking nine yards.
And she brought, like, something to drink downstairs, too.
And I stopped working.
I sat down.
It was one of the greatest moments of our relationship.
All right?
So that's some advice I would give you.
Guys, we're very simple.
And by simple, I don't mean stupid before you get on your fucking high horse.
Okay?
It's like an old school engine.
You open the hood and everything's right there.
Real wheel drive.
It's not turned to the side.
Jammed into the compartment.
None of that bullshit.
It's just fucking basic.
You just do that every once in a fucking while.
Guys will think, I have a keeper.
And all you're doing is making a fucking sandwich.
And that doesn't mean that you shouldn't have the right to vote.
It's fucking unreal.
Cooking, and you're not even cooking.
All you're doing is just slapping shit together.
You're building a little fucking food house.
How difficult is that?
That's what I don't understand.
Like, I guess I kind of understand it.
But like, cooking a meal for somebody is one of the greatest things you could
ever do for them.
All right?
I'll leave it at that.
So, I would say something simple like that.
This is how simple guys are.
If you actually, every once in a while, just said, hey, do you want a beer?
And you actually got up and went to the fridge and got a beer and brought it
out.
Put it in a fucking frosted mug.
I mean, personally speaking, I'm ready to go paint the house.
Because that little move there, I feel like a fucking king.
That's all it takes.
That's all it takes.
Very simple.
You know?
Let him head out with his friends once a week.
If they come over and they watch the game and you're not into the game, leave.
Go in the other room or be a good shit and hang.
But don't ruin his good fucking time.
Jesus, I'm on a roll here now.
Here's another one.
Try to limit the amount of horrific shit you're going to drag him to.
Now, he's obligated to go to some of it.
But he has to have, just set it up and just say, listen.
There's a bunch of shit that you do that I'm not going to be into.
All right?
Like tailgating on a golf course, peeing in a port-a-potty before a football
game that you don't give a shit about.
I don't want to be there for that.
So I get to tap out of that.
All right?
And then the guy, he gets to tap out of like, I don't know.
What have I?
I tapped out of one time.
Nia wanted to take me to somebody's birthday party.
They were having some fucking, you know, we're all going to dress like it's the
gold rush or the fucking prohibition era.
I was like, I don't want to fucking do that.
And she gave me shit.
And I was just like, I don't want to do it.
And she let me out of it.
And we laughed about it.
I actually went there without a costume.
I made a deal.
We made a deal.
I think I told this story.
I'm fucking punch drunk here.
I never know what the fuck I'm talking about.
I showed up and I didn't wear a costume, which was hilarious because every
other guy was fucking dressed like Charlie Chaplin.
And I show up in street clothes and they're looking at me like I'm a magician.
And then I left early because that's right.
Because I would have watched the Celtics were playing the Lakers in the finals
that year when we beat them.
And I would have missed it if Nia wasn't so fucking cool.
So that's what I would do.
And if you actually do shit like that, you know, you put yourself on this solid
ground with the guy that you're with where now there's no reason for him to be
an asshole to you or be mean to you because you're being so nice to him.
It really kind of works that way.
It kind of feeds off each other.
That's the best I can do without a specific question.
All right.
So there you go.
And, you know, fuck everybody who's going to say that, you know, what I just
said was sexist.
You know, go fuck yourself.
I don't think it's, you know, you're on a date with your woman.
You go and you open the car door for you.
You still do that shit.
If I can do that, you can go get me a fucking beer.
Christ, it's a twist off.
What are you going to hurt your wrist?
Yeah.
You know something?
That would be my advice.
Stop acting like a kicker.
You know how much it fucking annoys me that every time a kicker makes a tackle,
he gets hurt.
I just fucking, I just don't understand that.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Put some cream on it and get back out there and fucking throw your feet around.