Name: Bill Burr - Long Distance Hiking Follow Up
Uploaded: 2014-02-04T15:04:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Long Distance Hiking Follow Up' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-02-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Long Distance Hiking Follow Up' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-02-04. Transcript available.

Long distance hiking follow-up.
All right, here we go.
Hey, Bill, a few weeks ago, you asked for advice on how to deal with animals in
the wilderness.
Most people that get mauled either left food in their...
Oh, yeah, that's why I have this massive fear about going into the woods
and accidentally stumbling upon a mama bear with their cubs or a mountain lion.
I'm always on a trail, and to the left or the right of me is a higher, like,
cliff,
and the thing is just sitting there.
You know when they sit there and they put their head down
and their fucking shoulder and back muscles go, like, fucking...
Like, if they were in a muscle competition, like, that would be, like, the
Schwarzenegger, like, stance.
They put their head down. You know what I'm saying.
Just waiting to pounce on me.
This is what the person says.
Most people that get mauled either left food in their tent
or tried to pose for a picture with the animal
or did some other dumb shit you would never do.
But yes, on very rare occasions, an animal will attack somebody who did nothing
wrong.
Here is my advice if that happens.
First of all, you did do something wrong.
You ventured out into the wilderness.
You left the tribe.
You put yourself at risk.
All right?
I mean, I guess if you're in your backyard and there's a bear there,
but if there's a bear in your backyard, you...
That's urban sprawl that went...
He's not in your backyard.
You're in his front yard.
There's no fucking reason a bear should be outside your house.
You need to move back down towards the village.
All right there, antisocial?
Get a hobby.
Say hello to somebody.
You know, have a couple of drinks.
Get some alcohol courage in you and go walk up to the pretty girl and say hello.
Okay, stop trying to live with the fucking owls.
All right, bears.
If you're attacked by a bear, you should leave your backpack on to protect your
back
and use your hands to cover your neck.
What about your face?
Usually the bear will leave after a while, but if it starts to chew on you,
that's when you need to fight back.
Oh, really?
What should I go with?
Should I set up the, you know, the overhand right with a couple of jabs?
Or should I try to kick him in his bear balls?
What if it's a woman?
What do I do?
Do I try to stick my toe in its vag?
It's bear vag.
It's badge.
Mountain lines.
With mountain lines, playing dead will not work.
You need to fight back right away.
Your best chance is to aim for the nose and eyes.
Dude, this is fucking hilarious.
I mean, I think I would have a, this is, none of this shit work wouldn't work
against Mike Tyson.
Forget about a fucking bear or a mountain line.
Wolves.
Playing dead won't work in a wolf attack either.
You can either climb a tree, put it in a headlock, or shove your fist down its
throat.
I'm not joking.
Look it up.
You know what I always thought you could do?
I don't know about a wolf.
I always thought against, this was my, you know, when I'm laying in bed and I'm
thinking about getting attacked by a fucking, you know, some rabid dog or
whatever.
If somebody ever sick that dog on me, when I'm laying in bed, totally relaxed
and have my wits about me and I don't have urine running down my leg as I run
towards my Prius like I would in real life.
I, um, my plan of attack was when the fucking dog is coming at you, you stick
your forearm out and you just feed it to him.
You just jam it right into his fucking mouth and right as it climbs down and it
has you, you then take your other fucking forearm and you come up over the top,
smash down on the top of the thing's neck.
As you push your forearm up and you break its neck, you go bam, whap, which is
the sound of a broken neck.
Whap.
I'm sorry.
I don't want to make the snap noise.
I don't have a twig in here.
That's, that was my game plan.
Either that or just stick your arm in there and you just, you just fucking
start stepping on the dog's feet.
Because dogs are kind of pussies, man.
They'll go after you, but the second you fucking do something back to you, you
know what it is?
They don't have any shame.
They don't mind going, ah, and then getting hit and then going, yay, yay, yay,
oh my God, what the fuck?
Like they don't give a shit.
It's not like other dogs.
They can literally do that and then go on the other side of the block and get
laid.
There's like no, and they don't even remember what just happened unless there's
still pain in their little dog paw.
So, um, I don't fucking know.
I don't even know what I'm talking about here.
These, these are all like, these are all creepy fucking questions.
I always felt if I was on a boat and I saw an alligator swimming towards one of
my friends and it went by the boat or a shark, I would just try to time it
where I jumped down and I just fucking land right on its head.
And I just figured that that alone would so freak it out.
They would leave or, you know, the shark or alligators would be, uh, would be
feasting on two people.
That's what I would be worried about after the show, after the shock, you know,
when the shark's like, what the few motherfucking when it's coming back.
That's what I think like sharks, I think just leave alligators.
They just seem fucking relentless to me.
Um, all right.
Killer bees.
Here we go with killer bees, Africanized honeybees.
You're supposed to run away for at least half a mile.
Now this, I know do not flail your arms and do not kill one.
They will swarm you if you kill one, but honestly, they, they look just like
normal bees to me.
So I don't know how to tell when you're in danger.
Oh my God.
Run for a half a mile for fucking half a mile.
What's the fastest, fastest mile I ever ran was like a six 18, like freshman
year in high school.
When I weighed about 140 something pounds and now a buck 75.
So I think I could run maybe a seven minute.
Even with the fear, just the pain is going to offset the adrenaline.
That's going to be a long 15 minutes, people.
Oh God.
Can you imagine me?
A balding, stung up, fucking swollen redhead.
Just coming over the hill.
Jesus Christ.
What a sight.
All right.
Spiders kill almost nobody.
Most can be very dangerous if you catch them at the wrong time.
Some snake bites obviously require immediate medical care, but I would be more
afraid of lightning if I were you.
So yes, it can get gruesome, but these attacks are very rare.
Absolutely.
I mean, I know shark attacks are very rare, but it's just like, I would love to
try surfing.
But just, you know, just the fact that, you know, you got to understand that
surfing is a sport where you're risking getting eaten alive.
I mean, it's just fucking, I mean, it's just not worth it.
God damn it.
It looks like fun though, doesn't it?
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.