Name: Bill Burr - Bill Cosby Show
Uploaded: 2014-02-17T11:27:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bill Cosby Show' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-02-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bill Cosby Show' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-02-17. Transcript available.

Hey, I saw Bill Cosby this week.
I saw him.
He's walking right down the street now.
I saw him out at the Pasadena Civic Center, Playhouse, whatever they called it.
And it was unbelievable.
The lovely Nia took me there for Valentine's Day, took me out.
First of all, that's the first time I've been out on Valentine's Day in years
because Nia's cool as shit.
And I just said, listen, this is stupid.
This is stupid to go out on this night.
You guys know this deal.
So I'm on my way to over to Pasadena, which is where Dr. Cosby, show my respect
to you, was performing.
And, dude, I got a suit and tie on, everything.
It's obvious because it's Valentine's Day.
Three reasons.
Valentine's Day, I'm seeing, you know, out of respect for Nia.
And then also, you know, I'm seeing Cosby.
And then lastly, I buy these fucking suits and I never wear.
I wear them once, put a gun to my head and I do five minutes on a talk show.
Hope I don't fall off the stage, you know, which is the only way anybody's
going to see your set on a fucking talk show.
You know, if you do stand up, if you kill, nobody sees it.
If you fall off the stage and your dick falls out of your pants, it's going to
get a hundred million hits.
So anyways, I have all these suits.
From my numerous TV appearances.
And I'm like, I got to wear these motherfuckers.
So I was driving over there and I could not believe the traffic.
And I can't believe.
Oh, I don't believe.
I don't believe the couples put themselves through that shit.
Why would you do that?
Don't do that to yourselves.
Okay.
There's a couple of, and I know you got what you guys are saying.
You're like, Bill, you fucking say this every week.
Well, fuck you.
I saw the traffic out there.
Obviously, nobody's listening to me.
What you guys can, like, I'll tell it this way because you guys already know
this shit.
Can, can you tell other people?
I would, there wasn't, you know, if I can accomplish anything in my life, if I
could just sabotage that fucking holiday.
There's got to be like, I was just going to say the anti-holiday Valentine's
Day.
Then that becomes a fucking crowded mess.
Okay.
There's a number of gatherings that you do not have to participate in.
And you can immediately, without making a dollar more an hour, increase the
quality of your life.
All right.
You don't need to go to Super Bowl parties.
I already told you how to get through that.
Now, Valentine's Day, you don't have to fucking go out.
I already told you how to do that.
St. Patrick's Day, stupid.
Fucking stupid.
Go out on the 16th.
Go out on the 16th.
I know you're thinking, well, what about the 18th?
Well, everybody's yacked in the bar.
And no matter how much Clorox they use, you're still smelling that stomach acid.
Okay.
Sorry, ladies who are listening to this.
You go out on the 16th.
All right.
Unless the 16th is the Friday night because then everybody's going to be
drinking all weekend.
Whatever you do.
If that's the case, go out on the Wednesdays.
You know, it's fucking dumb.
They don't even have St. Patrick's Day in Ireland.
They don't even know who the guy is.
They don't even wear green in Ireland.
You think everybody's over there with an Irish sweater on, cutting into some
soap after they jumped off a horse to let you know how to wash your fucking taint?
They're not.
They're going to work over there, dressed like coach on chairs, and they're
going into their fucking cubicles.
All right.
And they're putting their hands in their keyboards and between their knees,
they got themselves a flask.
All right.
And that's how you celebrate St. Patrick's Day.
First thing I get into, I pull up to the theater, right?
And, you know, it's Valentine's Day.
There's a bunch of fucking animals out there.
And I'm like, I don't want to try to find the parking garage.
I don't know where it is.
And then I see valet, and I'm like, oh, valet, fuck it.
Fuck it.
I'm going to valet a Prius.
Isn't, you know, a 2008 Prius with a bird shit stain, the likes of which I
haven't seen since owning the car.
Right on the windshield, I'm pulling up and I'm valeting it.
And right as I pulled up, I started thinking, well, this is like a 3,000-seater.
What if half the crowd does this?
How long am I going to be waiting?
And I was just like, oh, fuck it.
My feet hurt.
I'm valeting.
So I valet.
I walk into the theater and, you know, tickets work.
I ask for no duels.
They don't have any.
So I get a fucking water and I get some wine for my wife, right?
So we go into the theater, beautiful theater, lovely theater, made in the 1930s,
right?
And we go in there.
And first thing I do is look at the stage.
It's the coolest thing ever.
It's like there's this little apartment up there for Bill Cosby.
He has like a little four-by-four rug, oriental rug.
All right?
No offense to the Orient.
And he has a chair.
And then next to it, he has a little, like, nightstand, little table with this
little, I don't know what, little cooler that has all his drinks in it.
And then he has his little headset thing.
It's the coolest thing ever.
And so we're sitting there.
It's supposed to start at 8 o'clock.
And right at 8 on the nose, no opening act, no intro, he just walks out on
stage.
I was actually looking down.
I don't know what the hell I was doing.
And the only reason I knew he had walked out on stage is because the crowd
started cheering.
And, of course, everybody stood up and all that type of stuff.
And he went over and he put on his little headset thing that's, like, see-through,
like John Bonham's Vista Light kit.
And so you don't even notice it, he puts that thing on, and then it's like he's
sitting right next to you.
And the guy, and literally, he sits down and kills for two and a half hours.
Two and a half hours.
He's 76 years old.
77 this year.
Two and a half hours.
Absolutely destroys.
His first, like, bit took a half hour.
He was talking about Valentine's Day and how you got all the pressure to get,
you know,
you know, the woman something and all you get is a card.
Starts with that premise and then just goes, I don't know where he went.
30 minutes later, he brings it back to that, to a thunderous applause break.
And I looked over at my wife and I go, that's his first joke.
Half hour in.
So he did two and a half hours.
So I guess that's like, what, he did five jokes?
It was, it was, it was amazing.
And what, I don't know.
I'd never seen him live, like just do a full set and get to sit in the crowd.
And it was an unbelievable honor.
It was the best Valentine's Day gift I've ever got.
And she's, she always gives me something nice.
And, but that was the best.
And, um, it's definitely a bucket list thing.
And just to be able to sit there in the crowd and watch him do his thing.
As I've tried to do what he's done for 22 years to have that perspective, to
have the perspective as a, as a, as a fan and an audience member.
Like it was working on like five different levels.
It was, it was awesome.
And, uh, and then I walked out and I ran into like three other comics, you know,
that I knew and we're all geeking out.
He had two and a half hours.
Can you fucking believe that?
I've never done two and a half hours of my life.
Guys, 76.
It was awesome.
And then I walked out there and there must've been 900 people waiting for their
valet cars.
So I just stood there up by the theater with a couple other comics.
And we just sat around, just giving each other shit and talking about the
business and all that.
And then just kept going back to how amazing Bill Cosby was.
So if you get a chance, it's really cool.
He's also, you know, he just put out that special.
So he's, he's working on some new material.
So I got to see that.
I got to see Bill Cosby workshopping material, you know, you know, you see
which ones that are already monster bits.
And then you see the other ones that are on their way.
It was, I got the hiccups.
No, it was, it was, it was amazing.
So, um, you know, definitely if you, if there's very few masters out there that
you can go watch them live, creating live, I, I highly recommend going out and,
and, uh, and seeing, uh,
Bill Cosby, man, it was awesome.
It was awesome.
And I got to wear a suit, you know, so it was a fucking two, four.