Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Third Cousin
Uploaded: 2014-02-25T14:43:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Third Cousin' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-02-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Third Cousin' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-02-25. Transcript available.

All right, third cousin. Dear Billy Bendito, I live in Denver and I'm visiting
my family back in Nebraska recently.
I was visiting, sorry. My mom and dad are both from the same small town and had
larger families, so I have a lot of family back there.
I was with a cousin. Uh-oh, uh-oh, please don't go sexual here. Also from
Denver, and if you don't go sexual and I just said that and it grossed you out,
I apologize.
Also from Denver, at a bar in a nearby large town. And we were throwing back a
couple of beers.
There was a pretty young lady at the bar who, surprisingly enough, found me
quite charming.
One thing led to another and I ended up going back to her place. Dude, great
fucking emails this week.
The next morning, we were grabbing some coffee and having some more detailed
conversation about ourselves and it turns out we have the same great-grandpa
and grandma.
Oh, no. I.E. our parents are cousins, making us third cousins.
In your mind, is that weird? Yes.
Yeah, it is weird.
Is that legal?
I'm no fool and wrapped my tool.
Jesus Christ, do you have that on a t-shirt?
I'm no fool. Don't be a fool. Wrap your tool.
I'm no fool and wrapped my tool, but do you know what the chances are me and
this girl would have created a mutant had I knocked her up?
Thanks and go fuck yourself.
Well, I can look that up for you, sir, on the lovely internet.
And like most people who do research on the internet, I will take the first
thing that I read as law.
Third, this is going to be on my computer now because of you.
Third cousin sex.
Legal?
Question mark.
Cousin marriage law in the United States.
Oh, God, there's a fucking chat here with different colors.
Laws regarding first cousin marriage in the United States.
First cousin marriage is legal in California.
What?
Hawaii, Alaska.
Massachusetts, Vermont, New York.
No fucking way.
Criminal offenses, Texas.
You know, sometimes when Texas is right, they're fucking, they're right.
Oklahoma, both the Dakotas and Nevada.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Well, let's get the third cousin here.
This is just first cousins.
Where the fuck is third cousins?
How is first cousins?
There's no fucking way you can marry your first cousin.
That isn't right.
That was Wikipedia, by the way.
Incest, cousin marriage, law regarding incest.
Dude, I don't want to be on this part of the Internet.
Dude, you got to look this up, okay?
Whatever.
You got away with it, hopefully.
Just stay away from her.
All right?
Jesus Christ.
When you notice somebody has the same smile as you,
like, you ever notice the Kennedys,
they all have that fucking horse-toothed smile?
You know, that's when you got to fucking pull the plug and get away from it.