Name: Bill Burr - Email: Girl Wanted To Roofie Me
Uploaded: 2014-02-25T14:50:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Email: Girl Wanted To Roofie Me' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-02-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Email: Girl Wanted To Roofie Me' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-02-25. Transcript available.

All right. Girl wanted to roofie me. Jesus. These are some interesting ones
this week. Bill, don't worry. This isn't a this isn't some creepy story. Oh, it's
one of those mainstream roofie stories. The person says, I got to college in
the northeast last weekend. My buddies and I had a party and I invited this.
Yeah, you left out the word. I'm going to guess girl from one of my classes
because we were always laughing together. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
So she shows up and she looks amazing. Oh, what a great story. What a great
time in your life. What could go wrong? We started laughing, doing shots even
better. She starts leaning into me more as the night goes on. Ah, memories like
the corners of my life.
After things start to settle and our dumb friends leave. We go up to my room.
She sits on my bed and asks me if the door is locked. I tell her, yes. Capital
Y.E.S. with confidence and also confusion.
She then pulls something out of her bag and asks if I want to get crazy with
her. I say, well, not the kind of fun that will result in me gargling my own
chunks like Hendrix.
Ah, Jesus. I hope you didn't say that. She got the joke and laughed. All right.
She's a keep.
I felt good about what was to come. Maybe it was ecstasy. I'd never done ecstasy
and that could be fun, right? Nope. Capital N.O.P.E.
She then says, this is a low-grade roofie. Want to split it?
Dude, this went from a coming-of-age story to immediately one of the most
fucked up.
This is a whole new room. I've never been in this room.
I'm going to stand near the door for the rest of this.
Now, you might be thinking, this is mutual. How can this go wrong? We'd both be
on the same medicine.
I was intrigued, Bill. Very intrigued.
I sat down at my desk and put on some music and stalled as I thought about it.
Then I heard your voice in my head.
Dude, either banger, clean, or get the fuck out.
I'm a good kid from a small town and I'd rather jerk her for the rest of my
life than pan it to a dumb female.
Good for you. If you don't want to do it, don't fucking do it.
Let alone partake in something that nuts.
I still collect baseball cards, you know, if you can't do the math.
No, dude, I, listen.
I still buy old football cards. I'm right there with you.
And there's a bunch of people out there who could literally just fuck a goddamn
ostrich on the 50-yard line in a football game.
It wouldn't give a shit.
They would do it and they would feel fine about it the next day and they should
do it.
All right? If you're more wired that way, yeah, don't do it.
He goes, so I told her, uh, this can only go bad for me.
She then says, how about only you take it?
What?
Dude, you need to get this girl the fuck out of the room before she takes out a
strap on.
Um, I don't like this at all.
This is creeping me up.
She says, I tell her that that is only a terrible idea.
She laughed a little bit.
And then I explained the situation to her.
Dude, wait a minute.
She goes, is the door locked?
She pulls out a roofie.
Let's split it.
What if only you take it?
Dude, this is, uh, this, this isn't good.
She goes, I said, okay, wait.
She laughed a bit.
And then I explained the situation to her.
I said, look, babe, you're putting me in a terrible position here because I
wanted to strip you down and have at it.
But I can't with that thing in the room.
It's a loaded gun.
I told her.
I told her we were going to walk together to the bathroom and flush it.
Neither one of us being alone with the powerful supplement.
She laughed and said she understood.
We started going at it.
And the next morning she said, I'm sorry if that was weird.
I'm glad you're a smart guy.
That earned you a threesome with my friend from home.
Just say when.
Oh my God.
Where the fuck did that Hollywood ending come from?
Bill, within 12 hours, I went from here's some good old fashioned college fund
to preparing my defense to how can I satisfy her and her friend properly.
There's only one way to learn.
Fucking go jump in it.
I'm such a dumb guy.
After she pulls out a roofie.
Fuck this.
She goes, so how do, so how'd I do?
Would you ever eat a roofie with?
No.
Fuck no.
The answer is, is always no.
Right?
Absolutely.
Dude.
You, you saying no fucking walked you into a threesome.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Dude, if you don't do a follow up fucking email to that, I don't even care if
this isn't true.
This is the greatest screenplay I've ever read.
Wow.
That's fucking phenomenal.
More power to you.
They have it for the grace of God.
That's fucking phenomenal.
All right.
Here's the thing.
You go over there.
This is the thing.
You want this to be a home game.
If you can't, cause she's a little fucking weird.
If they insist you go over her place, you got to fucking do it.
Go over there.
All right.
Don't let them spray you with any sort of mist.
If they do, you got to jump through the screen door.
You got to get the fuck out of there.
All right.
Uh, other than that, fucking take the beach, my friend.
Oh, that's great.
That made my fucking week.
Okay.