Name: Bill Burr and Paul Virzi Ramble About Canada
Uploaded: 2014-03-04T16:10:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr and Paul Virzi Ramble About Canada' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-03-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr and Paul Virzi Ramble About Canada' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-03-04. Transcript available.

Bill Burr and Paul Virzi Ramble About Canada

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and this is the Monday Morning Podcast
for Monday, March 3rd, 2014.
I am recording. I'm recording live, as I always do, live to tape here, live to
digital, whatever the fuck it is, here in Toronto, Ontario.
And that person yawning in the background like a fucking old man is the pride
of New Jersey, Paul Verzi.
What's going on, brother?
What's up, man? What's going on?
How are you enjoying Canada so far?
Well, you know, dude, the food, right? We were talking about the food here has
been...
When have you heard me say, I got to tell you, put New York aside, because you
know I'm a big New York food guy.
I mean, the food here has been knocking it out of the park. It's been
incredible.
Yeah, and Moncton and Halifax, one of them was that ale house place.
Oh, the first place we went to, yeah.
What was it called, the Triangle?
Triangle, yeah.
Yeah. We went over there for lunch.
Well, first of all, let's just back up for a second.
One thing I did want to bring up was what's been fucking hilarious is Paul Verzi
going through Canada, eastern fucking Canada.
Literally, we're driving to Moncton and Halifax.
I've never seen this in my life.
Like, instead of a school crossing, they literally had that same yellow sign
with the fucking moose on it.
Yeah.
I've never seen that.
Okay?
So, typical Paul Verzi, typical fucking New Yorker.
You just go places that never don't...
This guy has been trying to order an Arnold Palmer.
Everywhere we've gone.
Yeah.
He...
And what's funny is you've gone from saying confidently, can I have an Arnold
Palmer, to now you're just describing the ingredients.
Yeah.
We're just downstairs.
We started off like, can I get an Arnold Palmer?
And they would be like, what?
And he'd be like...
That's so true.
That's what you noticed.
I did that.
And he'd be like, an Arnold Palmer.
And they'd be like, I'm sorry, I don't know.
And he'd be like, you know, iced tea, lemonade, Arnold Palmer.
And then they're like, no, we don't have that.
You got an iced tea?
No, we don't have that either.
So, then the next time you order it, they're like, oh, what do you want?
Then we got to Halifax and you ordered it this way.
You go, yeah, you got an Arnold Palmer?
You got an Arnold Palmer?
It's an iced tea.
I was squinting my eyes.
Iced tea?
Yeah, lemonade thing.
You did that.
And then downstairs in Toronto, you just go, yeah, I was wondering, do you have
lemonade and iced tea?
And you could maybe put those together?
And they're like, yeah, no, no, we don't.
Yeah, no, I'm 0 for 3.
I'm 0 for 3 with the Arnold Palmer.
That's so, if you know that as I did that.
Why don't you order a Stan Makita?
That's probably some sort of fucking drink up here.
Absolutely, of course we do.
Yeah, I'm just, I give up.
It's just going to be lemonade or iced tea from now on.
I just.
Oh, it's fucking hilarious.
You have ordered that everywhere.
The first time when you said, do you have an Arnold Palmer?
They're like, yeah, yeah, mostly lemonade and then just a splash of iced tea.
And I'm like, all right, you hang out with Lawhead because that's how
Lawhead.
Well, he gets more lemonade too?
Yeah.
That's actually, that's a one knock I'll give Canada.
That's, the food's been great, but you know, not having lemonade is
unacceptable.
Fucking hilarious.
How do you not have lemonade?
Because it's sub-zero up here.
That's like some, that's some summertime shit.
Oh, lemonade's, you know, lemonade's year-round.
Lemonade's incredible.
I'm not saying it's not good, Paul.
Yeah.
Well, the first lady, did you see her face when I said that?
Do you have stock in the lemonade?
You're like, no, but.
Lemonade's year-round.
Lemonade's wonderful.
The kid.
Step right up.
The kid in, no, the girl in Moncton, I go, can I get an Arnold Palmer?
And she, she froze up and she goes, an Arnold, and that's when I realized, dude,
you're out
of the country, man.
You gotta, and then you kind of just smirked and put your head down.
I knew you were like, this is going to be a disaster.
Yeah, like they don't even golf up here.
They don't have golf up here.
If you notice, there's no golf courses.
Yeah.
I guess it was a little crazy.
Hilarious.
We drove by one the other day.
What?
People golf up here.
Like they know who Tiger Woods is.
No, they do, but it's just funny that I use an American golfer as a drink,
thinking that
some kid, waitress would know it.
An American golfer from like the sixties.
That would be like somebody from Canada going to like South Carolina and
ordering a rocket
recharge.
And she was a 19 year old Canadian waitress.
Oh, how about the little stuck up chick at the fucking airport this morning in
Halifax?
Dad didn't like her.
The one, the one jerk we've met in Canada.
How nice are the people in Eastern Canada?
It's, it's beyond.
They're unbelievable.
They're over the top nice.
They've been great.
And I agree with you.
You know what?
You said something and I didn't say it cause I thought you were going to be
like, you know,
fucking Verzi complaining.
But she, you know, I, uh, you ordered a juice and then I ordered one and I
asked, how's
the root beer?
I mean, how's the ginger one?
Remember?
I was the ginger hammer.
And she just kind of just goes, she goes, she just looked at me dirty.
She goes, I don't like ginger.
So, you know, I don't like it.
But if you like ginger and I was out right then I was out when she said that.
Yeah.
No, she, she went immediately to texting and I just started thinking, oh, she
must.
I didn't even see her text.
She was at one point.
She's one of those bored, hot chicks.
She's working at the fucking airport.
She's done.
Yeah.
She's over.
She looks in the mirror.
She goes, I'm better than this, but I can't figure out a way out yet.
You know?
Yeah.
I mean, there's got to be a dick to jump on or, or, or something, right?
She's probably going to, what, she's probably going to start fucking stripping
out there in
Eastern Canada.
What's a, what's a good name for a titty bar in Eastern Canada?
The caribou clam shack, whatever.
So, so I land the night before, um, land the night before anyways, and, uh, in
Moncton.
And then the next day, uh, a buddy of mine that I met at the Mario Lemieux
things, uh,
camp said, if you ever fucking come up here, I'll, you know, I'll take you out.
And, uh, went up and played in the middle of the day, dude, I've never done
that on the
road, played, played a pickup game of hockey.
Right.
Right.
And of course I was, I was such a fucking non-factor in the game as I always am.
I can skate.
Okay.
No, you can skate good, man.
I can skate good compared to you, but not compared to a fucking Canadian.
I can't.
No, dude, you were, you're fucking, well, I gotta just tell, I don't want, let
me, let
me finish real quick.
Let me finish real quick just to tell the, uh, people listening.
So I was such a non-factor second to last, you know, time I'm out on the ice.
I actually blocked the shot just so I would somehow have some positive thing in
one shift
and I took it right off the toe.
Dude, I showed you my toe.
Oh man.
I'm going to, I'm going to set, put a poster picture of it.
My, my whole toe is purple.
Now part of that's cause I'm a redhead and I got alabaster feet here.
So it really shows up with your Greek skin.
I don't think you'd notice it as much, but dude, it's like, uh, like they
should for in
medical school.
Like if they ever just want to show like, you know, what do they call it?
Contusion or a bruise, whatever the fuck they want to call it.
Yeah.
They should punch a redhead because all the detail comes out, man.
It's perfect.
Well, no, you're pale white.
So when you were like, I got to show you the toe yesterday, I was just like,
let me eat
first.
I'll look at it, but let me eat.
But, uh, no, I just, I just wanted to tell your listeners that the size of Bill's
hockey
bag is so funny that like you travel with this, you know, we're, we're out here.
Hockey bags are in general.
It's just the fact that you have that, like you brought the equipment, like you
care that
much.
And I love that.
I love that.
Cause you got to do it to have fun.
I mean, you inspire.
No, and this is the thing too.
I have the member, I, some old school podcast listeners.
Remember I used to advertise skate fenders on my, on my podcast.
And there's, you know, that's, it's one of the few places you don't have
protection.
If you get hit by the fucking puck, um, if you were in the whole birdcage thing
is, is
on your feet.
And this guy did a study where like all these, like how many manpower games,
you know, um,
how much manpower you lost per game in the NHL due to foot injuries and people
getting hit
with the puck.
So we came up with these things, skate fenders, and, uh, they basically fit
right on the side
of the plastic thing.
And I just, I brought them and I psyched myself up going, I don't give a fuck.
I'm a comedian.
I can't be limping around on stage.
I'm not trying to get anywhere in this sport.
I'm just having fun.
I'm wearing these things.
And I got there and I fucking gave into peer pressure.
I'm like, nobody else has them on.
I've never even seen anybody with, I guess some people in the NHL wear them.
So I don't, I don't wear the fucking things.
I've never taken a shot like that off my foot ever.
Did it hurt when it happened or did it hurt after?
Like it was weird.
It hurt like hell.
And then all of a sudden it felt really warm and it actually felt kind of good.
Yeah.
I finished my shift and then I fucking sat down and then I was thinking like,
is this thing
going to make me limp?
Fortunately, I haven't limped, but, uh, you know, my, I could bend it and
everything.
It's fine.
It's just, it's Barney, the dinosaur purple.
It's fucking gross.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's fucking bad.
That's funny.
I wouldn't have worn them either.
I would have done what you did if I saw nobody with the guards.
Yeah.
I'm like, I'm going to put this fucking box on my foot.
Yeah.
And then on top of that, I was in another country.
So it's like, oh, these, these, these pussy Americans, they fucking come out
there dressed
like Lindy Ruff.
Um, that's funny, man.
Hang on a second.
I actually should have said fucking Ulf Samuelson.
He used to wear the most fucking pads.
I just remember a long time ago, Fred Cusick, somebody gave Lindy Ruff a cheap
shot and on
the Bruins.
And then even, it was such a fucking cheap shot that even the color commentator
had to be
like, well, you know, that was kind of cheap there.
And then Fred Cusick goes, well, you have to hit him.
He's so well protected.
Well, I came into your little hot.
You got me into this hockey thing this week, man.
Dude, you fucking buying those skates was the funniest shit ever.
It was like my wife trying to find a pair of shoes.
This fucking guy tried on like, you're supposed to.
Well, first of all, only Canada has a, has a selection and a wall like that.
We go into this.
And that was a shit one too.
Cause they said the best one was down in Halifax.
That was a shit one.
Well, they were shit as far.
You know what it was?
It was a shit time to go in because it was, it's almost spring.
It's fucking hilarious.
It's like minus 30 out here.
It's like springtime for them.
They had a wall top to bottom, every brand.
And there were $700 skates there.
There were $700, $300.
And I'm like, look, I haven't been on skates since I'm 11 years old.
So I'm thinking I'm going to go in and get like $60.
And you, you kind of like, you kind of, yeah, I hope my wife doesn't listen to
this.
I spent a little money.
Uh, but, but she goes, ah, fuck it.
Whatever.
Right.
I'm kidding.
I'm not afraid of my wife.
Right.
Hey, listen, Paul, you're afraid of your wife.
That's okay.
No, no, no.
You don't have to backpedal.
I understand.
You spent, no, but listen, it is kind of crazy to spend money on skates when
you haven't
done it since, you know, in, in how many years.
And then you're going, listen, you're good.
You go, you go, you, you, you, you didn't like peer press me into it, bu