Name: Bill Burr and Paul Virzi - Last Meal
Uploaded: 2014-03-18T15:37:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr and Paul Virzi - Last Meal' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-03-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr and Paul Virzi - Last Meal' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-03-18. Transcript available.

All right, dude, you're you're fucking you committed some crazy fucking murder.
Yeah, you're on death row. You got your final meal. What are you going to have?
Oh, oh, shit, man.
No, let me tell you, that's a rough one, you know, that's so funny.
You asked me that. I had to actually lean back in the chair for that one.
That's it. That's tough. This is assuming you could eat.
OK, so nauseous that they're going to fucking kill me here.
Yeah, I never understood that. They showed a list of what all the serial
killers got.
And like one guy, well, like one guy, like Bundy or one of those guys just got
an apple.
But another guy got fucking like he wanted a whole pie with like pepperoni.
He wanted sandwiches and like he got the whole thing.
Like he just like everything. That's a true fucking crazy man.
Yeah. To be able to sit, you know, he's at a food court.
Like the guy eating an apple, he's probably just like, let me just taste one
last thing.
Let's have funny was a fucking I don't know if it was Bundy.
It might have been that McVeigh guy that blew up Timothy McVeigh.
And I remember this. He got a pint of mint chocolate chip.
And that stuck with me because I was like, I love mint chocolate chip.
And I eat a pint all the time.
And that actually seemed like if someone was going to fucking kill me and I don't
have any sympathy for these fucking people either.
But I'm just saying if someone's going to kill me, you know, it would be I know,
you know, we're fucking going to kill you at this time.
And it's coming up. I want some that's going to be a little easy on my stomach.
And for some reason, I just think ice cream would be nice.
It'd just be comforting.
Dude, I love I love chicken cutlets, man.
Like, I know, like my mind.
Oh, right.
When you ask the question, I'm thinking Italian or sushi because I love it.
But I love chicken cutlets with lemon squeezed on them.
So I might do like a shitload of chicken cutlets.
You just said chicken.
And I just thought chicken and dumplings, which I haven't had long time.
Is it any better than dumplings?
Dumplings are great.
Chicken and dumplings.
But then the mint chocolate chip.
They wouldn't go good with that.
Did I let you drink?
Did I let you drink?
On what?
Like, on your last meal, if you ordered a bottle of red.
Because that would be funny if you were hammered.
All right, what do you got?
Let's do this.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
You guys are looking.
You're going to kill the killer, you fucking pussy.
Yeah, you got enough guys?
All my marriages were one-on-one.
Look at you guys.
Five-on-one.
What are the odds?
Now you feel good about yourself, huh?
I don't think they let you.
You feel successful?
Hang your head on this one.
I don't think they let him drink.
That'd be fucking great.
Why do you guys all have the same clothes on?
Would you all call each other?
Making the other psychos laughing as you're leaving?
Show me the way to go, home.
That judge was a fucking fag.
That's what you would do.
You would just start talking shit.
Oh, the DA, he did good.
It only took his eight years.
You go into the death chamber and all the fucking family members are looking,
ah, you guys do stuff, too.
Only difference between me and you is I got caught.
That's all I'm saying.
How you doing, sweetheart?
That'd be fucking amazing.
Oh, dude.
That'd be hilarious.
Just walking out.
Hey, buddy, buddy.
Before you do it, buddy.
You know the way they keep asking the question, buddy, buddy.
It only took you five years.
I had those hookers in the attic forever.
Dude, this is so bad.
Hey, did you – there's been a couple of guys, you know, some of the last
words.
One of the guys, his last name was French, and he yelled over the reporters.
He goes, hey – and he was going to the electric chair.
He goes, hey, he goes, I got your headline for tomorrow.
He goes, French fries.
He's like – like laughs.
And then they electrocuted him.
Dude, did you see the one guy that they did it to?
And he fucking – they thought he was fried, and he fucking – he popped up.
And he was like fucking – he popped up like in a fucking horror movie.
He was like a big guy, and it didn't take.
They electrocuted him, and they're all sitting there.
Was that that Tom Hanks movie, or that really happened?
No, no.
A guy.
They showed it on – they showed it on one of those shows where they jolted
him.
And like normally – like the normal person is out.
What show?
And he just went – it was like one of those death row inmates – like it was
like a – you
know, people protesting outside.
One of the guys that really –
I thought you were dead on Discovery Channel.
No, no.
And he like popped up for a second.
They popped up part two.
No, I'm telling you.
Scared the shit out of the fucking –
Hey, you got to make sure they're dead, you know?
I got a friend of mine.
You can electrocute them.
I got a friend of mine.
You can take a beat.
Oh, this guy's rough.
Okay.
Why?
They put him in the electric chair.
He got right back up.
Okay.
Boy, I got a friend.
He's tough, you know?
Sometimes I wish I was tougher.
We all do, Bill.
We're not high, people.
We're not drunk.
This is what we've done.
Dude, if I was higher now, I'd be fucking losing my mind.