Name: Bill Burr - Groups
Uploaded: 2014-03-25T13:21:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Groups' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-03-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Groups' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-03-25. Transcript available.

All right? All right, everybody. It's fucking March 24th, okay?
And if you live in a colder climate in the Northern Hemisphere,
you got to start, you got to be getting excited, right?
Daylight savings, the snow's starting to thaw, right?
The ladies are starting to hit the gym.
You're going to hit the gym.
Everybody's going to hit the gym.
You know, here comes May.
May's right around the corner, and everybody, you know, the guy's got to get
out the guns.
The lady's got to show off their thighs.
Everybody has to look desirable.
So somehow they meet that certain someone that's just going to hold them at
night
and tell them that everything's going to be okay.
But that's not going to happen, right?
Unless you're in shape by May.
So put down those winter cookies, everybody.
May is coming.
April is a fucking wash.
Nobody gives a fuck about April except neo-Nazis because Hitler's birthday is
sometime in there, right?
And they all get together with their awful haircuts and their stupid mustaches,
you know,
because they just want to be a part of something.
And they had awful parents who just didn't get them into scouting.
So what do they do instead?
They join the Hitler youth.
You know why?
Because they're weak fucking people.
All right?
If you have to go out and join a fucking group, you know, at any goddamn age,
you know, unless it's something just fun.
I guess being a neo-Nazi, it's got to have its upsides, right?
The boots.
You know?
Getting to borrow your other fucking Nazi friends' clippers when you shear off
the side of your skull, whatever the fuck you do.
I don't fucking, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
You know, fuck groups.
Groups can be all right.
You know?
I guess they can be okay.
I'm trying to think of a good group.
What's a good group?
Like, just a group of people that get together in a group and somehow they're
not fucking annoying.
I mean, there's even people out there where I agree with what they're doing.
But the second the group gets the commercial on TV and they just start going,
you know, every day over 8,000 poodles get their hair straightened against
their will.
I mean, they start showing the saddest footage.
I start fucking hating the poodle people.
I don't hate poodles.
I don't like them.
You know, but I feel like they should wear their hair the way they want to.
I'm definitely for that.
But I don't need some fucking former sitcom star who's put on some goddamn booze
of baby weight coming at the fucking screen in the middle of the goddamn game
telling me why I got to care about a fucking Pekingese.
Whatever the fuck kind of dog it is.
One of those goddamn dogs that you see fucking walking around in a purse.
Right.
These fucking women walking around never had a baby or want a baby.
So now they got to have this fucking little primate in there.
And you want a little baby.
And you want a little baby with a little lipstick.
And you want a little baby.
Ugh.
Two to the back of the head.
No trial in my world.
If I was running shit, you know, that probably seems harsh.
But did I say I'd feed my naked uncle to a bunch of dogs like old fat face over
there?
Huh?
How soft does that guy look?
Huh?
That fat fuck over there in fucking, uh, what do you call it?
Uh, North Korea?
Is that what we're calling it nowadays?
The old NK?
He looks soft.
You could take that guy down.
You know?
Call his number.
Little pitch out.
Run the old Packers sweep.
Your job's to force it to the inside.
You know, I come in.
I fill the fucking lane.
You don't think I'm going to drill him right between his fucking hairless man tits?
I'll knock some of his non-earned medals right off his fucking uniform.
What do you think about that?
I'll do that at 45.
I'm calling it right now.
I'm calling it right now.
All right?
Red gets the A-gap!
Oh, shit.
Um, anyways.
Yeah, so I'm back in town.
I feel like I should have started a song right there.
Like one of those fucking Beatles songs.
Where all the women start screaming and yelling.
You know, impregnate me!
That's what they're saying.
Or are they saying, I'll suck it?
I don't know what they're saying, but all of them are well into their fucking
60s at this point.
All those fucking young women that you hear screaming on that Ed Sullivan show.
You figure, let's just say the meaty mage was like, what, 13 years old?
That was 50 fucking years ago.
They're 63 years.
63 years old at this point.
You know?
That's how quick it fucking goes.
So that's my message to you this week, everybody.
All right?
I don't, I have no fucking message.
I'm just happy to be home.
My fucking brain's all over the goddamn place.
You know?
It's just all over the fucking place.