Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Ex Won't Sell House
Uploaded: 2014-04-22T11:50:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Ex Won't Sell House' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-04-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Ex Won't Sell House' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-04-22. Transcript available.

okay x won't sell house dear bill big fan met you in jacksonville a while back
i have a quick
question for you my ex-fiancé and i were together for four and a half years
why the
fuck did you buy a house with somebody you're not married to
all right that that doesn't help you but for anybody listening do not buy a
house
do not live with somebody you're not gonna marry do not buy a house with
somebody you're not gonna
if you're not married don't do that shit anyways during the relationship she re
she remained
loyal while i was deployed to the middle east and upon my return i used my
saved up money to buy a
house with her near the beach oh my god if this fucking woman is is gonna
somehow make a claim
to your house that you bought with your serving for our country putting your
life on the line money
this would be a new level of whoredom is that a new word i think uh whoredom
all right
that might not even be i know it's a new word but that might not be the proper
usage of it already
which would be very uh apropos for the type of fucking moron i am all right
hang on a second
where the hell i am is okay it was her dream house and i felt that if the
deployment didn't ruin us
that nothing would well i was wrong we decided to split and i tried to be amicable
did i say that right and let her keep the house
if she could pay me the closing cost of about eight grand
this is what guys do they just want to cut bait and fucking leave women got
that fucking they borrow in
she agreed all right why did you do that she agreed and i moved you bought the
fucking house did she
kick in for it maybe i'm being too hard on her i don't know she agreed and i
moved back home to new
jersey to start a new life it's been nearly a year and she's has stalled every
effort to get this resolved
when a contract was finally in place she decided it needed some amendments to
protect herself
that basically left me with less money than we agreed and getting her a house
worth 150 grand for
8 000 bucks dude i swear to fucking god if i read one more of these fucking
stories
all right if you're some fucking woman all right and you you host one of these
shows where you're
always talking about the shit that men do how about you balance it out the way
i balanced it out saying
that lucic did a piece of shit fucking move why don't you bring this shit up
this is ridiculous
he goes i threw out the contract and contract contacted a realtor to list the
house there you go
she's refused to sell and her name is on the title because i'm a fucking idiot
long story short
after i threatened a lawsuit a mysterious man who called himself a family
friend emailed me and asked
to act as the facilitator for the deal between the two of us my ex
dude don't give into that my ex has not been involved
since and this guy is a real cunt who is only out for her my cousin who is a
lawyer is guiding me
through the process but i need some advice from you on how to resolve this
issue i just found out that
the family friend is my new ex's new boyfriend i could have told you that my
question is how do i
let them know that i know i'm like a serial killer who needs to be caught
what i'm like a serial killer who needs to be caught her man caught here man
what typo there i can't
resist them thinking i don't i guess know anymore i thought a nice joke about
her having herpes would be
a good start i joke that she was too selfish to even give me that any feedback
or advice on the podcast would
really be appreciated um i usually say cut bait but fuck that fuck that
uh you have two options here and i don't want to tell you what the second one
is
uh the first one is well you have three fight this which i would walk away from
it which i wouldn't
and number three uh would involve a convenient accident that happened to the
house
but even then then she'd probably fight you for the uh
ah okay they'd figure out you started the fire don't don't i shouldn't even
brought that up
listen this is what you got to do you just got to accept the fact
that you're in for a long fight here and that lawyers are going to get most of
the money but that
bitch is not going to get the house now to go that route
oh god i don't want to tell you to quit
but my world i would just be like look you want 150 000
fucking dollar house just take the fucking house free and clear
um it costs you 150 grand to get rid of this fucking devil woman that's going
to take that new guy down
she's going to take that guy down this i mean granted i only heard your side of
the story
all right and i'm taking this as the truth and if this is the truth that that
that's not the that's not
you don't want that devil woman in your fucking life that is some evil fucking
shit
um uh okay i gotta walk away from this story because it's it's actually making
me fucking mad
and i don't have a dog in the fight here
what i'm doing is i am inserting myself into the story who i would be in this
fucking story
oh jesus dude you're young you're young
get into the best shape of your life hit on women out of your fucking league
and then treat her like a
fucking queen marry her and then walk by this bitch someday on the street that's
that's what i would do
all right oh you fucking cunt