Name: Bill Burr - Advice: I'm Married, I'm Not Dead
Uploaded: 2014-04-29T13:32:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: I'm Married, I'm Not Dead' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-04-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: I'm Married, I'm Not Dead' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-04-29. Transcript available.

All right, anyways, I'm married, I'm not dead.
Dear Bill the Beguiling, what the fuck does that mean?
Look at that, like right there, what the fuck does that mean?
Why couldn't I have been like, oh, I wonder what that means.
Oh, a new world, new word, new world, new word.
This is just a wonderful opportunity to learn something here in my own podcast.
And, you know, I learn a lot.
I learn just as much from my listeners.
Why can I do that?
All right, Beguile.
Charm or enhance, parentheses, someone, sometime in a deceptive way.
Okay, so this is sort of a compliment, but not really.
Okay, here we go.
Now, recently, I've been talking to a friend that I haven't heard from in a
while via Facebook.
Oh, Jesus.
Here we go.
We continued to talk and catch up, and I found out he is married and has a two-year-old.
While, that's fucking hilarious.
That should come out immediately.
All right.
While away, someone, he asked me to, wait.
While away somewhere, oh, when he was on the internet, he asked me to send him
some sexy pictures.
See, right there, the fact that you had to, we went back and forth a number of
times before he said he's married and has a two-year-old.
That's not a good, that should be immediately, boom.
You're supposed to do that immediately.
I'm married, boom, done.
All right?
So this doesn't go in a weird fucking way, because we used to fuck, right?
Isn't that what's supposed to happen?
He said, I said no and responded, aren't you married?
He replied, I'm married.
I'm not dead.
Oh, God.
He's also been flirting with me a lot.
I think it's disrespectful to his wife and to ask me for something like that
when I'm sure it would, it would help his marriage by making her feel
attractive if he asked her.
What?
This was such an interesting email.
Did I read it wrong?
I think it is disrespectful to his wife to ask me for something like that when
I'm sure it would, I'm just going to say wouldn't, it wouldn't help his
marriage by making her feel attractive.
I'm sure it would help his, oh, help his marriage if he asked her to send him
some pictures.
Okay, some sexy pictures.
She said, I also think the flirting is disrespectful.
I'm a lady, by the way.
What do you think?
Well, yeah, you're obviously right.
But I am also wondering, why do you continue to talk to this guy?
You reached out to him.
You didn't know he was married.
Okay.
He doesn't say he's married.
So it starts to, obviously, it started to go down.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
And then he's, then you found out he was married and had a two-year-old.
All right.
So he keeps it going.
And then when he's away, he asked you to send him some sexy pictures.
And you responded and you said no.
And you said, aren't you married?
You knew he was married.
He said he was married.
Why did you keep hanging around?
And now he's continuing to flirt with you.
Why are you still talking to this guy?
What's going on with you?
Yeah, why are you continuing to talk to this guy?
This is a no-brainer.
Yeah, he shouldn't be doing this.
This is completely not what you're supposed to be doing if you are married.
All right.
I'm not judging anybody in this fucking thing.
I'm just saying that he shouldn't be doing that.
And if you are offended by it, you shouldn't continue to talk to the guy.
So...
Okay.
So I guess...
Okay.
So wait.
So he doesn't...
You don't send him the pictures, but you continue to talk to him.
Then he's been flirting with you.
And you think it's disrespectful.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't...
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's disrespectful because...
He already said the sexy pictures thing.
So it already brought it into a bad fucking...
This guy would bang you if you'd let him, basically.
So he already brought it into a bad area.
Do I think flirting is disrespectful?
Online, absolutely.
If you're at work...
I mean, I don't give a shit.
You know what I mean?
Jesus Christ, we're at work.
I don't know.
It depends on the level of it.
But, you know, what are you supposed to fucking do?
Like, I'm not one of those guys.
If I drive down the street...
Okay?
Like, I gotta tell you.
When I was in L.A., I was at a stoplight by myself.
And this dude jogging by, I swear to God, he looked like...
Like Marvel Comics couldn't draw a more jacked guy.
Like, I looked at him and I went, Jesus Christ.
His back was shredded.
The guy had no fat on him whatsoever.
And he's jogging down the street, no shirt on, no nothing.
I mean, this guy must be fucking everything in Hollywood.
Even I'm sitting there going, Jesus Christ.
Now, if my wife was there, what am I gonna do?
He wins.
I'll tell you right now, if I ran down the street with my shirt off, that would
be the end of my career.
So what am I gonna do?
I'm gonna get mad that she's looking at this fucking statue, this goddamn Greek
god running down the fucking street?
Greek god via Africa?
You know, what am I gonna...
Hey, what the fuck?
I don't give a shit.
I really don't give a shit.
I don't.
I don't know.
You don't want to talk to me when it comes to this type of...
It's one of these...
When I look at that stuff, like...
I always look at it like, it shouldn't be done.
It's a Chris Rock pick.
You shouldn't do it, but I understand.
It's fucking...
That's why the internet, it's terrible.
It's terrible when it comes to that shit, because back in the day, you wouldn't
be able to get in touch.
Tom Green has this fucking unbelievable bit on this.
Watch his special.
I hope he did his bit on Facebook.
He does this fucking unbelievable bit on it, where it's just there.
It's just fucking there.
It's harder than ever not to fuck around, I guess.
I don't know.
But is he doing something wrong?
Yeah, but you're...
I don't understand why you're...
I would ask yourself why you're still...
You're still talking to the person.
I mean, you reached out.
That's what I'm guessing.
You reached out to him because you're single right now, is what I'm guessing.
This is somebody maybe you had a fling with back in the day, or...
You know, maybe you always wanted to when you reached out.
Maybe that's what you're doing.
And then all of a sudden, you know, you find out he's married and has a kid.
And then all of a sudden, he shows that he would fuck around on his wife.
And you're like, wow, this isn't the guy I thought he was.
So you're continuing to do more follow-up questions just so you, in your own
way, you can get this guy out of your head because you're seeing what a dirtbag
he is.
I got to tell you this.
I'm married, I'm not dead, is a fucking terrible line.
That's the line you say to your guy friend in the bar.
You know?
And she fucking says, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I'm like, you know, can you believe she said that?
I mean, I'm fucking married.
I'm not dead.
That's something you say to a gay.
You don't say that to a woman.
Jesus Christ, that's terrible.
That's just blunt force trauma of truth.
It's a one-two punch.
He shouldn't have done that.
All right, whatever.
I don't know what to tell you.
I would just say stop talking to him.
Does that work?
Does that work for you?
I don't fucking know.
All right.