Name: Bill Burr - Organic Food
Uploaded: 2014-04-29T13:45:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Organic Food' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-04-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Organic Food' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-04-29. Transcript available.

Ah, Jesus Christ, why do I try to do a podcast after a fucking show?
Huh?
I just want to wind down and add to my fucking pasty belly.
That's what I want to do.
I want to go down to the hotel kiosk and go get some fucking Oreo cookies
and then some of those nuclear orange crackers.
And you eat the orange crackers first, you get the salt going, like, yeah, yeah,
yeah, right?
And then you fucking throw the sugar down your throat.
And you wake up the next day and your teeth look like a fucking fruit punch
thing.
I don't know what.
Anyways, I haven't been boozing out here and I'm out of sorts.
And so now, like, I guess I'm going to smoke cigars.
Like, can I just fucking try and do something healthy?
I watched this whole thing online that creeped me the fuck out about the
bacteria in your gut.
You know, it was funny as hell.
I actually clicked on this thing and they got me.
And I thought it was like one of these conspiracy theory videos, but it was
actually an advertisement thing.
Because for, like, the first 10 minutes, like an asshole, I'm watching this.
And this guy's talking about food in this country, being the United States.
And he's going just like, he's going like, the video, they don't want you to
see.
And he kept going, they, they this and they that and all this fucking bullshit.
And he was just talking about how in your gut, you basically, you have 80% good
bacteria and 20% bad bacteria.
And if you keep it at that balance, you won't be lethargic.
You'll have energy and you'll basically be a healthy person.
And, you know, for the most part, they think that that's the best balance to
have to not get cancer and that type of shit.
So I'm watching this shit and they're talking about probiotics, foods with
probiotics like yogurt and fucking, what's that, what's that fucking shit that
looks like onions, but it isn't sauerkraut.
All right, looks like caramelized onions that never turned brown.
It looks like me as a caramelized onion, right?
Sauerkraut, right?
Olives, pickles, that type of shit has probiotics.
That's the good bacteria in your gut.
And the 20% shit, that stuff is actually, believe it or not, this is really
fucked up.
And when you talk about your, your mortality, the 20%, 20% of the bacteria,
what they call the bad bacteria, is its job is to basically eat you when you
die.
I know.
I don't know.
That's what the video said.
I'm not a doctor.
Don't take this.
You can do the fucking research.
So basically, because the food in our country is such fucking poison, I guess,
what is happening to a lot of people is that the 20% is getting too high and
the 80% is dropping.
The good versus the bad.
And it reaches a tipping point where the, the, the bad bacteria outweighs the
good bacteria.
And it starts taking over and it starts fucking eating away at you like you're
dead and it can get all the way up into your fucking brain.
And you start craving the sugars and the salts.
This is not why I'm talking about this stuff.
Now, I don't know if this is true because in the end of it, they of course had
a pill that was going to solve all of this.
And God knows I didn't go to medical school.
Not like you, you needed me to tell you that shit.
You could just tell that by the way I try and read out loud.
Right.
But anyways, I think the core of what they were saying was true because it
sounded good.
I'm being totally honest.
I didn't look up any of this shit.
So I'm like, you know what?
Yogurt has probiotics in it.
I'll start eating yogurt like a fucking twinkle toes there.
So I'm like, fuck it.
I'm going to start.
I'm going to.
What are you going to do, Bill?
I'm going to fucking I'm going to eat some yogurt.
Right.
So what I wanted, but I want to get the good yogurt.
All right.
I don't want to get the yogurt that just says all natural or says 100 percent
healthy for you.
No trans fats and all that shit, because, you know, those those.
Those big time corporate fucking food makers, they found a way to get around
all of that shit.
Basically, what they did was they got their own people in the FDA or whatever
the fuck it is.
They find loopholes where they can, you know, they they draw a picture of a
farm.
With the sun, the sun behind it, 100 percent natural, organic and all that.
And it isn't, you know, they're down there beating the chickens, right?
Cutting their beaks off their big fucking breasts and they're tipping over and
shit.
That's that's basically still what you're eating.
And they can write 100 percent organic and all that crap.
They figured out a way around.
So I'm sitting there trying to find.
Like I looked up all natural yogurt.
I'll do it right now.
Just bear with me here.
All right.
Just the amount of you can't find it.
I or at least I don't know how to find it.
I don't know how to find a reputable, reputable website that I can trust.
That will tell me.
Basically, where where I where the the the thing that says 100 percent organic
that actually is organic.
So I just looked up organic yogurt.
And.
And this is this is the stonyfield dot com.
That's the one that comes up.
I don't know what their deal is.
So I click on these guys.
Like wallaby yogurt.
Strauss family creamery dot com.
Now, that's a great name for a corporate fucking farm is they'll call it the
Strauss family creamery.
All right.
Family was fucking whacked.
They are buried underneath the farm.
But what killed me is I go on these these websites and I click on them and then
they have like big like corporate fucking advertisement in the side.
So it's just like you guys you guys are in bed with the devil here.
I mean, maybe these guys are real.
Maybe I actually finally.
This shit looks real now.
I don't fucking know.
It's like when you go to like Edmunds Blue Book or Edmunds and you're trying to
find the actual price of a car when you go to buy it.
And then you look in the side and like Chevrolet is paying for advertising on
there.
And like that is like a major red flag.
It's like if you're underlying every car salesman.
At Chevrolet, letting him know what a fucking Illumina actually cost you.
They still make that fucking thing.
The Illumina guy, the Illumina.
Right.
Why would they advertise?
Does any of this make any sense?
Just can you guys tell me where do I go?
Where is there a website that can actually tell me where the good food is,
where the food is that's that's says it's organic and actually is organic?
Now, Jesus, did I just open up a fucking can of worms with that one?
All these fucking people are just going to the amount of shit that's going to
be written to me and the amount of it that's going to have liberal or Obama.
I don't know, you know, like what the fuck?
I retweeted something the other day about how.
They're trying to get rid of a lot of the freedom of speech on the Internet,
you know, the amount of racists on there.
I don't know how bad an idea that would be sometimes, but generally speaking,
they're trying to sew it up.
Right.
So it's just really creepy article about how they're going about doing it and
pushing it through Congress and all this shit.
So I retweet it because it's interesting and I figure maybe somebody smart will
look at it and maybe they can do something about it because I'm too fucking
stupid.
So I retweet it and then somebody writes back, right?
So you're surprised that Obama lied?
That's what they write.
And it's just I swear to God, those kinds of comments.
I actually feel like those people who write those are fake.
I don't believe that they're actual citizens.
I think they work for the government and they do that just to start that stupid
Republican Democrat arguing with each other.
So nothing gets done.
You know what I mean?
It's just the assumption that like.
It's like I didn't vote for the guy.
The guy doesn't control the fucking Internet.
He doesn't do anything.
The guy fucking makes four and a grand a fucking year, makes four grand a year.
He's set up to be bribed.
That's why I don't vote Democrat or Republican at that level.
It's bullshit.
It's fucking over.
OK, this is just really interesting.
This is going to happen.
I'm just trying to get it out there.
And you're going to rather than having people read this.
And if it is true and they want to change it rather than going down that road,
you're going to try and knock it off fucking course with that bullshit.
So I don't know.
I got to pat myself on the back because I actually didn't take the bait.
Probably because I only have 18 characters to call this guy a cunt or whatever
the fuck they give you on Twitter.
But I don't know.
Can you do me a favor?
Can somebody, just for the love of God, start a fucking movement where people
stop doing that?
Stop fucking going, well, it's because the Republicans, forget it.
It's over, right?
The argument's over.
Anyway, I don't know what I'm talking about either, guys.
All right, I'm fucking wiped out here.
Hey, if you guys, seriously, I know I was fucking around, but if you guys know
any way that I can figure out what is really organic shit and what isn't.
Because I even know at those farmers markets that a lot of that stuff is from
corporate farms and they just write a bunch of horse shit on it.
So, you know, you might as well just go to the grocery store.
I don't understand why, I guess, money, why they're so hell bent on fucking
doing that to the food.
But whatever, you know, the older I get, the harder it is for me to stay in
shape.
So I got to try to make sure, plus with all the cigar smoking and that, I got
to try to do something.
All right, so if you can help me out, I would appreciate it.