Name: Bill Burr & Doug Stanhope - Hecklers
Uploaded: 2014-05-14T00:37:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Doug Stanhope - Hecklers' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Doug Stanhope - Hecklers' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-14. Transcript available.

you just did that the red state tour i loved it fucking gorgeous out there it
is but i i don't
tell people that well i always say that when i always have the rosiest fucking
outlook
all yours every every tour you do is great every audience is fantastic because
you know what
because this is what i decide i i spent the first half of my life being an
angry cunt sleeping on a
futon and somewhere around you know approaching 40 i was just like so this is
the guy i'm gonna be
and i also i you know what i did was i kind of learned how to uh get out of my
keep making that
face it's gonna stick like that yeah my depressing downward spiral i figured
out how to stop it like
fortunately i don't have clinical depression but i am i am geared towards
negative cynical thought
so what i would just do is i just just started thinking okay is that what you
want to think
today this is what we're going to do this one fucking day they'll let new agey
shit and i just
started going to the gym you know i just i just started you know when i went on
the road i would
do shit don't you ever have a fucking horrible show like one time i want to
hear you come on
monday morning podcast is bill burr i just played toronto what a bunch of
fucking assholes
no here's the deal but at this point people are coming to see me
yeah no so i'm gonna get mad at them too but at that point if i have a bad show
it's kind of on me
it's like i come out and they clap like i already killed for an hour yeah yeah
no so it's completely
up to me to like this weekend i was in san diego and um i was trying to put
together what i'm gonna do
and i was a little off on a couple of shows and when i got off stage i was mad
at myself i wasn't mad at
anybody in the crowd and you know it was a couple of drunk people and some
people yelled out but like
i never get mad at that because i think that that's what makes this art unique
that you can sit there
and yell out at the person and and you just have to fucking deal with it and i
don't like that shit
when if somebody yells something out immediately they're gonna go throw them
out like i'm this
precious fucking hope diamond or some shit it's like no i'm saying a bunch of
shit up here that
should make you go like dude you don't even know what the fuck you're talking
about so i mean the
only heckler i don't like is basically if you're going to um talk and ignore
yeah if you're yeah if
you're just yelling to yell and you're not going to shut up no matter what then
at that point i can
still deal with that but i end up feeling bad for the people who came out i did
a show in daytona beach
a couple months ago i don't know when but i i had to throw a guy out from the
beginning like before the
show i'm watching there's no way this guy is going to make it he's too drunk
and he's out in the lobby
recognizes me but you can see he's trying to focus and say words and i hide and
then he's in the
front row and i'm like i of course i threw this guy out like it was an old bit
like it was so wrote
like i went through the motions i know at some point he's going to try to talk
he's not going to happen
so it was like i did a tired closing bit with the whole okay you're not going
to make it unless john
goodman comes in at like at the end of the movie flight and gives you bloat you
went out on stage
and threw him out i know what's going to happen so i just watched the whole
thing it was fluid i would
i caressed him out of the room like it like it was a part of my act i had
thrown so many times for
being that drunk that i'm like i'm like it this should be on my set list okay
open with the thing
about driving down here throw drunk guy out segue into a retardation that's
amazing i had a guy one
time i was at the dc improv and uh he was one of those guys like i'm not even
going to say what he was
doing i'll tell you off air because if i say it to you some listening to this
is then going to do it
but he was doing this annoying thing where he wasn't laughing he was doing
something else so
and i got into it with him and like whatever we did the we did the fight and
did he get kicked no
no he didn't get kicked out so i go so i'm like all right so that's the one yahoo
for the weekend
because you know you're going to get one it's going to be a nightmare right so
the
very next night who comes walking in the door again the same guy and the waitstaff
or whoever
sees him hears him say i'm gonna fucking yell out all his punch lines and they
sit him right down in
the front row so now i'm going out there and i'm fucking riffing and i'm trying
to switch
shit up and blah blah blah blah blah and he yelled out the first punch line and
i was so ready for it
i fucking snapped and we ended up throwing him out and uh and the crowd was
pissed at me
because they didn't know the back story yeah they weren't there i remember this
guy afterwards
i'm selling my cd right and this guy comes up dude that was fucking bullshit
that's bullshit
you're the headliner you you should have to deal with that and i was going no
and i tried to explain
and then he just wouldn't let me talk and then i said you know what you should
do you should never
come to one of my shows again that'll show me because it just got to the point
of like it wasn't
it was like probably like six people who were flipping out but it was uh and it
was a classic thing they
kicked the guy out and i'm standing there selling my wares whoring myself out
getting
getting to the end of the line i look up who's standing in line the guy they
kicked out
like this is how comedy clubs kick people out they get them an inch beyond the
threshold
or the front door and then they turn their back and then they go over and
ignore the problem yeah
have a some potato skins or something and then here's that fucking guy back in
like so i had to
tell them like i go hey in the future when you kick somebody can you kick them
all the way out
can you make sure that what did he say ah he was just going like you don't
understand i love you
you don't understand i i love you like he was trying to say it was like dude
you don't understand
the first night i'm trying to prove how much i love you by see i know every
punchline he was no but
the first i can't remember which night we we it must have been the second night
but the first night
well no he was just trying to say that he was yelling out because he loved my
stuff and it was and he was just so
fucking drunk there was no and dumb and dumb it's not like when he's sobered up
like this level of
fucking intelligence was was going to come back he was just a fucking moron and
um it was kind of one
of those things like that kind of person i had to kind of burn off from my
crowd like when you first
get your your your people finally coming out to see you you're psyched and then
there's people
going to come out and see and be like oh i thought he was this way he's
actually that way and then
they don't come back and then hopefully the rest of the room gets filled up
with people who kind
yeah they see a 30 second youtube clip on a subject that they already have and
they go oh yeah this
guy oh they see you be clean on tv and they go oh there's a wholesome guy and
then you come down
there what the fucking content and then they get up in the middle of it nah
then of course you blame
them um all right let me do a little more advertising then we'll uh we got to
wrap this thing up here
dude dude dude i'm so fucking psyched just to see you man because i i i never
get to see you you've been
one of my favorites since since you had the long hair and you had that headshot
where you had the
fucking santa claus hat on remember that one i remember i remember getting you
uh uh into chilkoot
charlie's in alaska because i thought it was in green room too and i stayed at
the band house yeah no
and it was horrific but i always had a an affinity for horror gigs like that
and terrible accommodations
when they're that bad that they're comical and i uh i thought you might think
it was funny too and
you're like i can't believe you sent me to that fucking place that rat trap i
had to stay in i didn't
mind the gig the gig was fine the fucking that is the worst fucking place
absolutely beyond anything
the mattress cigarette burns on the television set the mattress literally was caved
in in the middle
and the the covers were so ratty i just said i just have to make this my own
and i laid down in it
i remember i ran into ralphie may ralphie make they couldn't put him in the
band house because the
floorboards were too weak they had to actually give him a hotel is that what
happened because he said to
me he goes oh i didn't stay there he goes i took one look at it i said i'm not
staying here no
they took one they took one look at ralphie may and went we can't put him in
there he would literally
go through the floors no yeah because it was i mean he's that big but funny
though his lie gave me
self-esteem i just started saying i'm not staying here and you need to get me a
hotel room i i brought
half the rooms i stayed in you were there the week before and had done
something with a midget and a
fucking god knows what and then he wiped his new john fox yeah you were you
weren't like i loved you but
doing the road so much i was starting to hate you i was like this motherfucker
how does he know where
i'm gonna be and gets there the week before and fucking does something to the
pillowcase with his
fucking taint and ball bag it was horrific i always said the cure for aids was
in the under the bed in
the rug of a comedy condo just the amount of the band house in alaska i
actually took a bar of soap
onto stage that was in the shower there because it had black mold and i'm like
if you think i'm
making up jokes about the band house this is the soap when you're growing mold
on an antibacterial
product that's how bad the fucking place was yeah dude and i and i never went
back go i never went back let me