Name: Bill Burr - Dilemma 05-26-14
Uploaded: 2014-05-27T06:54:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Dilemma 05-26-14' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Dilemma 05-26-14' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-27. Transcript available.

Oh, yeah. The Monday Morning Podcast. We have our own Twitter account. Finally,
if you'd like to follow the MMPodcast and get the links for all the videos and
all the stuff that I talk about, follow us here at the MMPodcast. Our Twitter
handle is at the MMPodcast. At the MMPodcast. And MMP is all capitalized. Dilemma.
The dilemma here for the week. Bill, I haven't heard you read a dilemma in a
while.
Here's one. Would you rather fight three rabid dogs with the thirst for blood
with a sword? Oh, yeah. I could fucking take them out. Or take your chances
with one bullet and a bear coming at you from 100 yards away. Keep in mind the
dogs can kill you and that it can take more than one bullet to kill a bear.
Absolutely. I know that. Hey, I don't know that. I've just watched enough
YouTube videos.
I actually saw YouTube videos watching one of those fail-win videos. Why do
they always have to put a picture of some hot chick bending over and then she's
never in it? It's like, I'm going to watch it anyways. What do you get my hopes
up for? Watching people fail and succeed is compelling. It's compelling enough.
You don't have to put some chick with a fucking, you know, bikini-covered clam
fucking winking at me in the beginning of it and then it's not there.
It's false advertising, you cunts. You know what I'm doing is I'm starting to
just click on the ones that don't have that.
Fucking pussies. Stand on the merit of the footage you stole.
But anyways, I was watching one of those fail-win videos and there was this guy,
he was hunting wild boar and he fucking shoots at the thing.
He misses and the fucking thing turns around and just starts running at him.
He misses again and then he fucking ran away.
Dude, you just got it. You're best. What are you going to outrun a fucking wild
boar? You're not.
Unless your truck's right there.
I'm telling you, you got to just stand there.
If I had to shoot a fucking bear in the head, you got to shoot him in the
fucking head.
You got to wait to the absolute last second.
I'm talking about urinating down both sides of your pant leg, just stand there
like,
and just waiting so you can almost feel his breath.
And you better have a fucking .50 caliber and you just fire that fucker.
100 yards away. Fuck that.
Fuck that. Oh my God.
And you know you can feel the earth shaking as that thing's coming at you.
I mean, I'm just telling you, you're, that's just, all organs fail at that
point.
Uh, fuck that.
Us, uh, rabid dogs. Fuck. Yeah, absolutely.
With the sword. The great thing about a sword is that gives me a little bit of
distance.
All right.
How do I meet these rabid dogs?
Am I lowered into a pit?
Is this seeing me? Are they running at me?
If all three are running at me, I stand there.
And right as they, the first one starts to leap,
I do a little sidestep,
a little sashay, if you will.
And I fucking just come right down, um, whatever, whatever meat I can hit.
And at that, what I'm going to do is I'm actually going to alligator arm it
because the last thing I want to have happen is for that sword to get stuck in
that thing's flesh as the other two take, take it over.
I'm really getting into this.
I'd fucking give him a nice fucking right there, Fred, right?
A little chop to him, send him to the side.
Then the other fuckers, even if one of them's biting me, my move is I'm hacking
your leg.
I'm hacking your fucking dog.
And the people right now are like, oh my God, I love dogs.
Shut up.
It's hypothetical.
And they're rabid.
They got to be put down anyways.
And they're trying to kill me.
Oh, Billy Redface, who the fuck side do you want here?
So that, that would be my big move.
That would be my, my big move.
Like I've always thought if I was ever hiking and somebody, I, I came upon
somebody getting mauled by a, a mountain lion.
If ever I was actually, I mean, I mean, I know what I would do in real life.
I'd be like, well, sucks for him.
Didn't see that.
Sorry.
What am I supposed to do?
Get mauled too?
So I can get on the news.
Fuck that.
But if for some reason, if it was somebody I gave a shit about and they were
going to die, I would, I would run like a native American really fucking softly.
And I would leap in the air and I would fucking Matt cook that mountain lion.
One of his back legs.
I would just fucking land on its leg and try to blow out, you know, and it's,
and it's lateral fucking movement.
And it would just fucking, you know, the great thing about wild animals, the
great thing about animals in general is they don't have a fucking ego.
Okay.
So they're just kind of like, you know, when something like that happens, they're
just like, okay, I need to go lay down and heal, even though that's not going
to fucking heal.
That's a, that's, I don't know.
So whatever.
That's, that's how I would take the three dogs.
I would give a nice jab with the sword to the first one that came to me.
I take the bite of the second one.
I'd hack the leg of the third one.
And then I fucking start finishing them off.
That's what I would do.
And then I would go to the hospital, uh, with all three carcasses.
And I would say, uh, I got bit by two out of three of these.
They're all fucking rabid.
And, uh, go ahead.
Stick those needles in my stomach.
Let's get it over with and chain me to the radiator.
Let's see if I go mad or something, you know?
Shit.
All right.
I like the dilemmas.
Let's bring the dilemmas back.
I also liked YouTube videos of the week.
There was a lot of, there was a lot of fucking things out there.
uh... remember back then we used to have topics