Name: Bill Burr - Solar Power
Uploaded: 2014-05-27T07:05:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Solar Power' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Solar Power' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-05-27. Transcript available.

Oh, yeah. The Monday Morning Podcast. We have our own Twitter account. Finally,
if you'd like to follow the MMPodcast and get the links for all the videos and
all the stuff that I talk about, follow us here at the MMPodcast. Our Twitter
handle is at the MMPodcast. At the MMPodcast. And MMP is all capitalized.
Solar power, everybody. Can I take five minutes just to be a fucking hippie,
man? Every once in a while, I go in and out of my fucking, you know, I'm with
the team and now and then and then I'm against the team, you know, kind of like
a fucking like a Randy Moss.
You know, you come into town, you got your mind right. And after about a season
and a half, you start acting like a fucking maniac. That's how I feel when I
look at whatever the fucking, I'm really trying to avoid the expression, the
powers that be.
But, um, I don't know. I can't help but every time when I land in Los Angeles
and I look out at the basin, as they call it, um, from the San Gabriel
Mountains all the way south of that, which is fucking L.A. and greater L.A.,
all of that. Just what an absolute clusterfuck it is.
And, um, what happens when the shit hits the fan. So, I'm thinking about
getting some solar panels. And I know all you rednecks out there are saying the
obvious thing.
The fuck good's the solar panel gonna do if you ain't got a gun? What, are you
gonna keep the guy warm that fucking shoots you in the head and steals your
provisions?
I understand their fucking bearded wonder, all right? I get it. But I, one step
at a time. One step at a fucking time. First thing I want to do, I want to get,
you know, it's ridiculous.
I live in a fucking desert. The house bakes in the sun. And I'm, I still have,
I don't have solar power. It's the dumbest shit ever.
So, uh, I'm gonna look into it. And what I want to know is, is, you know, is
there two types of solar power? There's one where you're still on the grid, and
then there's one where you're off the grid.
I like off the grid. And if anybody's listening to my podcast, if you're off
the grid, like, what happens?
Do they, like, do they get mad at you?
I mean, how do they know? Because all of a sudden, your bill goes down? Does
that, like, set off a light, you know, underneath the mountain that all those
Illuminati guys live in?
And then somebody pulls up to your house, hey, I noticed you, uh, haven't been
making any toast lately.
And, uh, you know, what's going on here?
How come you're not, you're not watching TV? What, are you reading books in
there? Fucking eating apples off a tree?
How come you're not using any electrical, uh, electricity there?
Does that happen?
Is it, it's not illegal to be off the grid.
They just sort of fucking, uh, do they bully you at all?
Like, just let me know what I'm in for.
All right?
Because what I would love to do is to continue spending my legal tender that
really has nothing behind it other than the faith of every freckled-faced cunt
over here.
Um, I would really love to continue existing in this, but I would like to have
the backup that if the shit does hit the fan before I'm overrun by a mob, you
know, because mine's the only light on the top of the hill.
See, that's, I used to do a bit about that.
That's the thing.
Like, if, if you actually have, if you're off the grid, all right, and
everything just goes fucking haywire, you immediately, you got to cut your
lights out quick.
Okay?
Because the first thing, when everybody loses power, they stand and go, oh, you
gotta be fucking shitting me.
I was watching two broke girls over here.
Right?
That's the first thing.
You flip the switches, is it, and then, you know, within 30 seconds, you're
like, is it just our house?
And you look out the window.
So you basically, you have 30 fucking seconds to cut all your lights off.
Tell your wife to shut the fuck up and get downstairs in that little corner
room.
All right?
And you put your hand on her shoulder.
Firmly.
You don't hurt her, but you're not affectionate.
You place your hand on her shoulder so she knows that some pertinent fucking
information is on the way.
And you say, honey, we're the only ones left.
We're the only ones left.
Look at me.
Stop crying.
We're the only ones.
We're the only ones left with power.
And I need you to hold it together.
Cry it out now.
I want you to cry every ounce of bitch you have in you out of you in this
corner of this house.
Okay?
And when you come upstairs, I want you to sit here and act like we do not have
power.
Okay?
So when the Sullivans come across the fucking street and see if we don't have
power, you lie to their fucking faces.
Shh!
Shh!
Honey.
Forget about the Sullivans.
They're not going to make it.
You understand?
You know?
I don't want that to happen.
I don't want that to happen to anybody, but I don't want to be the Sullivans.
You know what I mean?
I want a shot.
Just give me a fucking shot.
That's all I need.
I just need some solar panels and a fucking helicopter, and I will get the fuck
out of here.
That's what you need, you fucking idiots with your guns.
Huh?
What are you, Schwarzenegger?
How long is that going to last?
Anyway, so I'm thinking about it.
Does anybody, does anybody live in the L.A. area?
Does anybody have solar panels anywhere in the fucking world?
Can you recommend it?
Are there two different kinds?
Because I actually looked up solar panels off the grid, and I came to this
place, Blue Pacific Solar.
It says off-grid packages.
Then there's another one that just says get solar power, sun power, off-grid
systems, off-grid system, backwoods solar electric systems.
Yeah, I can install that shit.
Well, what we're going to do is we're going to bring it in, and we'll just run
it over the outhouse.
A what?
Cabana?
What's that, a cigar?
Um, sorry.
I'm in a stupid fucking mood this week.
Yeah, oh, then there's one for Australia.
I don't mind paying the grid, but I would like to have, if the grid fails, to
have the then off-the-grid switch.
How about that?
Can we just have that?
Those of you who've been on the internet this week, you know the direction that
I'm working in.
Oh, yes, you do.
Stop being modest.
You know the direction I'm going in.
I'm talking about solar fucking roads.
Has anybody seen this YouTube video?
It's fucking amazing.
If what they're saying is true about these solar roads, and I apologize for the
narrator.
I get what he's doing.
He's trying to keep it interesting, but he kept it interesting too long.
And then he brings it down to an interlude, which should have come a minute
earlier.
And then he goes back to scream.
And so it's a little bit annoying, but just try to listen to the information
and then try not to get sucked into a George Bush, Obama debate.
Because, uh, I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know if these things, what the fuck do I know?
Right?
But it just, they were basically saying if we replaced all our roads with these
solar fucking things that literally makes it look like Legoland and it's all
lit up, and there'd be sensors to let you know a deer's going around the corner,
and then it would just light up in the turn.
And, hey, there's a fucking deer around the corner, you know, enjoy your barley
pancakes or whatever, right?
Some fucking full-on hippie shit.
And that basically the amount of energy that it would create would be three
times what this country even needed, which immediately we can just leave the
Middle East, right?
We don't have to be over there pissing them off by getting in the middle of
their bullshit, all right?
We don't have to deal with oil, and oil money is what funds the terrorists, as
far as my limited reading goes, right?
The family's over there, that fuck, hang on, she's scratching.
I just gave you a bath, what's wrong?
Oh, Cleo!
Um, anyways, uh, yeah, like the fucking, the oil people over, the people who
make all the money over there, they then donate to mosques.
And then in the mosque, they fucking, you know, kind of fucking, hey, you know,
send it over to these fucking people over here that end up coming back at us,
shooting shit at us.
As far as, you know, like I said, I don't know shit.
Cleo, would you stop fucking, you're going to have to go to the other room here.
Come here, buddy.
What's up, sweetheart?
We went on a nice hike today, didn't we, huh?
This was good.
All right, get out of here.
Um, so anyways, um, yeah, and then that whole fucking thing is just null and
void.
We have all this extra power.
We actually did, we create a bunch of jobs.
The only thing I don't know is the way it looks, it doesn't seem like it's a
smooth ride.
It just seems like the whole time you'd be going like over these fucking things.
I have no idea, but just check it out.
And I swear to God, because this is something that I don't know if it, if it is,
if it does work, if it does fucking work, it could benefit everybody.
Conservatives, liberals, independents, everybody who wouldn't benefit from all
of this energy.
Oh, that's right.
The people in power.
Oh, how could I forget that?
That's right.
How do you think that they're going to derail this?
If this actually becomes a movement, how will they somehow tie in terrorism, 9-11
liberals, fucking right wing conservatives, and just get the pot fucking
stirring.
So everybody's screaming and yelling.
It's going to be prohibitively expensive and babies will starve.
They're going to do all of that shit.
Um, the only way this thing gets off the ground, if it works, if it works, is
if people don't get sucked.
Into those arguments, and we all become one, and we all pick up a hatchet, and
we start marching towards the bankers' gated communities.
Okay?
Because the asphalt streets will have to run red with blue blood money before
something wonderful like this will ever fucking happen because you are fucking
with a century and a half of cash flow going to a small amount of people.
That's what you're fucking with.
And when you're fucking with something like that, that level of money,
basically the money that gives the dollar power, like the only thing that gives
the U.S. dollar power is that barrels of oil are still measured in U.S. dollars.
Other than that, it's a fucking shit show.
So, these guys are the guys behind all of that.
It's them and the fucking bankers.
And that's it.
All right?
The insurance companies like the Ted Kennedy or that fucking family.
All right?
But fucking Bobby and Jack.
All right?
Actually, the banks are fucking Joe Kennedy.
All right, Bill.
Shut up with the Kennedy shit.
All right.
So, anyways.
That's my thing.
Like, this is a great fucking idea.
If it works.
If it works.
It's a fucking great idea.
Even if you just did a few roads.
If you just did a few of them.
Each state just did, like, their main highway or whatever.
If you just did that.
I can't imagine the amount of money it would save.
And on the less.
Oh, man.
It was incredible.
The possibilities of it are incredible.
I don't know if it works.
But it is fucking incredible.
But the sad thing is the fact that whenever new stuff like this comes up, it
all just turns into Obama, Bush, Republican, Democrat, blah, blah.
Everybody's just yelling at each other.
And then it just fucking goes away.
And then everybody turns on sports.
And that's what happens.
So, there you go.
There's all off the grid, Billy.
15 minutes of crazy talk.
But that makes sense to me.
Makes sense to me, man.
Fuck.
You know?
We'd get this done if everybody wasn't so fucking liberal.
All them liberals out there in Hollywood.
Right?
I got to tell you.
I'm not just making fun of a stereotypical Southern guy.
All right?
Because having lived out here in Hollywood, these people are out of their
fucking minds.
They're Fox News to the left.
They're out of their fucking minds.
They're such fucking hypocrites where it's just like,
You can say the most, I guess racist isn't the word.
Because you can make fun of white people.
Rich white people.
You can basically, you can be, you can use the exact fucking thing that they
don't like
seeing used on poor people against rich people and they fucking love it.
You know?
You can suggest that people from the South are all fucking their sisters.
And they're slapping their knees and they're doing the wave in the crowd.
All right?
But if you suggest any homeless guy needs to get off his fucking ass,
stop boozing and get a fucking job, then you're the devil.
So, I mean, I don't know.
Does that make any sense?
Well, it shouldn't.
Isn't that why you listen to this podcast?
You cunts.
You cunts.

Bill Burr - Solar Power

Oh, yeah. The Monday Morning Podcast. We have our own Twitter account. Finally,
if you'd like to follow the MMPodcast and get the links for all the videos and
all the stuff that I talk about, follow us here at the MMPodcast. Our Twitter
handle is at the MMPodcast. At the MMPodcast. And MMP is all capitalized.
Solar power, everybody. Can I take five minutes just to be a fucking hippie,
man? Every once in a while, I go in and out of my fucking, you know, I'm with
the team and now and then and then I'm against the team, you know, kind of like
a fucking like a Randy Moss.
You know, you come into town, you got your mind right. And after about a season
and a half, you start acting like a fucking maniac. That's how I feel when I
look at whatever the fucking, I'm really trying to avoid the expression, the
powers that be.
But, um, I don't know. I can't help but every time when I land in Los Angeles
and I look out at the basin, as they call it, um, from the San Gabriel
Mountains all the way south of that, which is fucking L.A. and greater L.A.,
all of that. Just what an absolute clusterfuck it is.
And, um, what happens when the shit hits the fan. So, I'm thinking about
getting some solar panels. And I know all you rednecks out there are saying the
obvious thing.
The fuck good's the solar panel gonna do if you ain't got a gun? What, are you
gonna keep the guy warm that fucking shoots you in the head and steals your
provisions?
I understand their fucking bearded wonder, all right? I get it. But I, one step
at a time. One step at a fucking time. First thing I want to do, I want to get,
you know, it's ridiculous.
I live in a fucking desert. The house bakes in the sun. And I'm, I still have,
I don't have solar power. It's the dumbest shit ever.
So, uh, I'm gonna look into it. And what I want to know is, is, you know, is
there two types of solar power? There's one where you're still on the grid, and
then there's one where you're off the grid.
I like off the grid. And if anybody's listening to my podcast, if you're off
the grid, like, what happens?
Do they, like, do they get mad at you?
I mean, how do they know? Because all of a sudden, your bill goes down? Does
that, like, set off a light, you know, underneath the mountain that all those
Illuminati guys live in?
And then somebody pulls up to your house, hey, I noticed you, uh, haven't been
making any toast lately.
And, uh, you know, what's going on here?
How come you're not, you're not watching TV? What, are you reading books in
there? Fucking eating apples off a tree?
How come you're not using any electrical, uh, electricity there?
Does that happen?
Is it, it's not illegal to be off the grid.
They just sort of fucking, uh, do they bully you at all?
Like, just let me know what I'm in for.
All right?
Because what I would love to do is to continue spending my legal tender that
really has nothing behind it other than the faith of every freckled-faced cunt
over here.
Um, I would really love to continue existing in this, but I would like to have
the backup that if the shit does hit the fan before I'm overrun by a mob, you
know, because mine's the only light on the top of the hill.
See, that's, I used to do a bit about that.
That's the thing.
Like, if, if you actually have, if you're off the grid, all right, and
everything just goes fucking haywire, you immediately, you got to cut your
lights out quick.
Okay?
Because the first thing, when everybody loses power, they stand and go, oh, you
gotta be fucking shitting me.
I was watching two broke girls over here.
Right?
That's the first thing.
You flip the switches, is it, and then, you know, within 30 seconds, you're
like, is it just our house?
And you look out the window.
So you basically, you have 30 fucking seconds to cut all your lights off.
Tell your wife to shut the fuck up and get downstairs in that little corner
room.
All right?
And you put your hand on her shoulder.
Firmly.
You don't hurt her, but you're not affectionate.
You place your hand on her shoulder so she knows that some pertinent fucking
information is on the way.
And you say, honey, we're the only ones left.
We're the only ones left.
Look at me.
Stop crying.
We're the only ones.
We're the only ones left with power.
And I need you to hold it together.
Cry it out now.
I want you to cry every ounce of bitch you have in you out of you in this
corner of this house.
Okay?
And when you come upstairs, I want you to sit here and act like we do not have
power.
Okay?
So when the Sullivans come across the fucking street and see if we don't have
power, you lie to their fucking faces.
Shh!
Shh!
Honey.
Forget about the Sullivans.
They're not going to make it.
You understand?
You know?
I don't want that to happen.
I don't want that to happen to anybody, but I don't want to be the Sullivans.
You know what I mean?
I want a shot.
Just give me a fucking shot.
That's all I need.
I just need some solar panels and a fucking helicopter, and I will get the fuck
out of here.
That's what you need, you fucking idiots with your guns.
Huh?
What are you, Schwarzenegger?
How long is that going to last?
Anyway, so I'm thinking about it.
Does anybody, does anybody live in the L.A. area?
Does anybody have solar panels anywhere in the fucking world?
Can you recommend it?
Are there two different kinds?
Because I actually looked up solar panels off the grid, and I came to this
place, Blue Pacific Solar.
It says off-grid packages.
Then there's another one that just says get solar power, sun power, off-grid
systems, off-grid system, backwoods solar electric systems.
Yeah, I can install that shit.
Well, what we're going to do is we're going to bring it in, and we'll just run
it over the outhouse.
A what?
Cabana?
What's that, a cigar?
Um, sorry.
I'm in a stupid fucking mood this week.
Yeah, oh, then there's one for Australia.
I don't mind paying the grid, but I would like to have, if the grid fails, to
have the then off-the-grid switch.
How about that?
Can we just have that?
Those of you who've been on the internet this week, you know the direction that
I'm working in.
Oh, yes, you do.
Stop being modest.
You know the direction I'm going in.
I'm talking about solar fucking roads.
Has anybody seen this YouTube video?
It's fucking amazing.
If what they're saying is true about these solar roads, and I apologize for the
narrator.
I get what he's doing.
He's trying to keep it interesting, but he kept it interesting too long.
And then he brings it down to an interlude, which should have come a minute
earlier.
And then he goes back to scream.
And so it's a little bit annoying, but just try to listen to the information
and then try not to get sucked into a George Bush, Obama debate.
Because, uh, I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know if these things, what the fuck do I know?
Right?
But it just, they were basically saying if we replaced all our roads with these
solar fucking things that literally makes it look like Legoland and it's all
lit up, and there'd be sensors to let you know a deer's going around the corner,
and then it would just light up in the turn.
And, hey, there's a fucking deer around the corner, you know, enjoy your barley
pancakes or whatever, right?
Some fucking full-on hippie shit.
And that basically the amount of energy that it would create would be three
times what this country even needed, which immediately we can just leave the
Middle East, right?
We don't have to be over there pissing them off by getting in the middle of
their bullshit, all right?
We don't have to deal with oil, and oil money is what funds the terrorists, as
far as my limited reading goes, right?
The family's over there, that fuck, hang on, she's scratching.
I just gave you a bath, what's wrong?
Oh, Cleo!
Um, anyways, uh, yeah, like the fucking, the oil people over, the people who
make all the money over there, they then donate to mosques.
And then in the mosque, they fucking, you know, kind of fucking, hey, you know,
send it over to these fucking people over here that end up coming back at us,
shooting shit at us.
As far as, you know, like I said, I don't know shit.
Cleo, would you stop fucking, you're going to have to go to the other room here.
Come here, buddy.
What's up, sweetheart?
We went on a nice hike today, didn't we, huh?
This was good.
All right, get out of here.
Um, so anyways, um, yeah, and then that whole fucking thing is just null and
void.
We have all this extra power.
We actually did, we create a bunch of jobs.
The only thing I don't know is the way it looks, it doesn't seem like it's a
smooth ride.
It just seems like the whole time you'd be going like over these fucking things.
I have no idea, but just check it out.
And I swear to God, because this is something that I don't know if it, if it is,
if it does work, if it does fucking work, it could benefit everybody.
Conservatives, liberals, independents, everybody who wouldn't benefit from all
of this energy.
Oh, that's right.
The people in power.
Oh, how could I forget that?
That's right.
How do you think that they're going to derail this?
If this actually becomes a movement, how will they somehow tie in terrorism, 9-11
liberals, fucking right wing conservatives, and just get the pot fucking
stirring.
So everybody's screaming and yelling.
It's going to be prohibitively expensive and babies will starve.
They're going to do all of that shit.
Um, the only way this thing gets off the ground, if it works, if it works, is
if people don't get sucked.
Into those arguments, and we all become one, and we all pick up a hatchet, and
we start marching towards the bankers' gated communities.
Okay?
Because the asphalt streets will have to run red with blue blood money before
something wonderful like this will ever fucking happen because you are fucking
with a century and a half of cash flow going to a small amount of people.
That's what you're fucking with.
And when you're fucking with something like that, that level of money,
basically the money that gives the dollar power, like the only thing that gives
the U.S. dollar power is that barrels of oil are still measured in U.S. dollars.
Other than that, it's a fucking shit show.
So, these guys are the guys behind all of that.
It's them and the fucking bankers.
And that's it.
All right?
The insurance companies like the Ted Kennedy or that fucking family.
All right?
But fucking Bobby and Jack.
All right?
Actually, the banks are fucking Joe Kennedy.
All right, Bill.
Shut up with the Kennedy shit.
All right.
So, anyways.
That's my thing.
Like, this is a great fucking idea.
If it works.
If it works.
It's a fucking great idea.
Even if you just did a few roads.
If you just did a few of them.
Each state just did, like, their main highway or whatever.
If you just did that.
I can't imagine the amount of money it would save.
And on the less.
Oh, man.
It was incredible.
The possibilities of it are incredible.
I don't know if it works.
But it is fucking incredible.
But the sad thing is the fact that whenever new stuff like this comes up, it
all just turns into Obama, Bush, Republican, Democrat, blah, blah.
Everybody's just yelling at each other.
And then it just fucking goes away.
And then everybody turns on sports.
And that's what happens.
So, there you go.
There's all off the grid, Billy.
15 minutes of crazy talk.
But that makes sense to me.
Makes sense to me, man.
Fuck.
You know?
We'd get this done if everybody wasn't so fucking liberal.
All them liberals out there in Hollywood.
Right?
I got to tell you.
I'm not just making fun of a stereotypical Southern guy.
All right?
Because having lived out here in Hollywood, these people are out of their
fucking minds.
They're Fox News to the left.
They're out of their fucking minds.
They're such fucking hypocrites where it's just like,
You can say the most, I guess racist isn't the word.
Because you can make fun of white people.
Rich white people.
You can basically, you can be, you can use the exact fucking thing that they
don't like
seeing used on poor 