Name: Bill Burr - 2014 NBA Finals
Uploaded: 2014-06-09T13:45:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - 2014 NBA Finals' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - 2014 NBA Finals' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-09. Transcript available.

Oh, Jesus Christ.
How bad is the fucking announcing crew for the NBA finals?
Mark Jackson, can somebody please explain to me why he always goes,
Mama, there goes that man.
What does that even fucking mean?
I know it means something good.
What does that mean?
Am I too white to understand that?
Is that what's said when a fucking giant guy walks down the street in his part
of the world?
Some little kid looks up at his mom and says, Mama, there goes that man.
I don't even know what the fuck it means.
All I can tell you is my minute knowledge of basketball watching that game.
I don't know anybody's fucking name other than the major people.
When that guy fucking was dribbling baseline and he threw the elbow into that
guy's fucking ribs.
He used to be married to that chick that was on that show about the desperate
housewives.
What the fuck is Tony Parker?
Yeah.
And the fucking white guy?
Not Van Gundy.
The other guy.
Mike Breen.
Whatever.
When he goes, that looks, I don't know.
Is that a foul?
It kind of looks like a, you know, a normal basketball movement.
Like, no it didn't.
He made a fist, moved his arm forward, and then brought his fucking elbow back.
It was a textbook fucking elbow.
Like the day when they start making a video version.
Right?
Of the dictionary.
Because kids are too fat to fucking read.
They can't hold their eyeballs.
You know, I don't know.
Going side to side is too much lateral movement for their fat eyes.
They should just have a video of that.
It was a textbook fucking elbow.
And they actually sat there debating it.
I don't know.
Let's take a look at that again.
Yeah, that's how I run.
You know, one's just sort of, you know, going like, you know, my left arm just
kind of moves
normally.
And then the other one, I don't know what it is.
I don't know if I have a crooked spine or whatever, but it just kind of, it
kind of moves, you
know, fucking all the way out straight.
And then it goes back like that.
So for the love of God, don't stand behind me.
Textbook fucking elbow.
And then another thing that they did that fucking bugged the shit out of me was
when they go,
they were talking about Tim Duncan.
They were showing this great thing that when he first met the guy there with
the fucking
bald spot, Aaron Brockovich, whatever the fuck his name is, Chris Gugliugli.
What's his name?
I don't fucking know.
They said when they first met him and he also met Tony Pahaga, like he was
quiet and aloof
and they were intimidated by him and they were telling the story and it was
funny.
And then they cut to Tim Duncan and Tim Duncan was like, well, you know, I didn't
have anything
to say to him, you know, basically we're here to win games.
And if we start winning games together, we'll, we'll build a relationship.
And then they come back and Mark Jackson goes, now you tell me what, what is
the difference
between what he is doing, not talking to his teammates and being aloof and what
Kobe Bryant
does.
And I almost fell off my fucking chair.
And then Jeff Van Gundy goes, well, you know, I think it's the media, you know,
once they
get, they think who you are, they just keep perpetuating it and blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah,
I, that's unbelievable.
The excuses that these NBA whores, once you start fucking sucking the dick,
right?
Uh, the NBA, like that's how you make your fucking mortgage.
They just say, you know, they're not going to criticize the best guy.
Well, he's not the best guy now cause he's hurt, but he's been the best guy
forever.
Some people will say fucking, uh, LeBron James, whatever.
But you know what I mean?
Kobe's definitely top three, if not top two ever without a fucking doubt, not
even debatable,
but they just will not criticize the guy.
And they're trying to say like Tim Duncan's aloofness is the same as Kobe, you
know, walking
off the court during bad losses, walking out on his fucking own teammates, the
whole Shaquille
O'Neal soap opera, you know, and not to mention that bad little fucking road
trip he had, you
know, out in Colorado.
I would think that, yeah, you know, I don't know.
You know, it's funny as I don't think Kobe gives a fuck nor should he how the
fuck people
think about him, but they're sitting to try to sit there and compare Tim Duncan,
you know,
acting like the way Kareem acted to magic Johnson when he showed up and started
jumping up and
down when they want a fucking regular season game.
And he sort of looked at him like fucking relax.
We got 81 more games.
I mean, that's just what a veteran does.
Like that's the same thing is walking off the court, walking out on your own
fucking teammates.
You know, I mean, Jesus Christ, Jeff Van Gundy, Phil Jackson in his own goddamn
book,
trash Kobe Bryant in a roundabout way.
You could read between the lines.
He was definitely a difficult guy to coach.
Smash cut to him ripping his tie off, screaming at his wife.
I mean, how many championships have I fucking won and his cunt still won't
listen to me?
Right?
That's what he's really saying.
How do you say go fuck yourself in Italian?
That's what he's saying, right?
I really can't.
I have a real difficult time listening to this.
That looks like a normal basketball motion.
Tell me, you know, you tell me what's the difference between what he does and
what Kobe Bryant does.
Mama, there goes that man.
I will tell you this, though.
That the NBA finals don't look fixed this year.
They're actually letting them play.
And it's been very enjoyable to watch.
There's always going to be some bullshit fouls or whatever.
And, you know, I don't know who the dumb fuck was that fixed the air
conditioner, though.
But if LeBron James has problems with cramps, you know, it's probably in your
best interest to, you know, a couple games.
I mean, shit, you got home court.
Just have it be busted the entire time.
Right?
Is anybody else annoyed during that first game when the AC didn't work,
watching all those people fanning themselves in the crowd?
You know, didn't you learn in third grade that that actually doesn't cool
yourself off?
That actually just that motion alone is raising your body temperature, making
you sweat even more?
You know what I think it is?
I think it's those fucking Texas girls.
They wear so much goddamn makeup.
Makeup!
Right?
That they got to make sure, you know, that it's not going to run.
They're extra fucking hot.
You know, they got a bunch of Latina women out there.
So a certain segment of them have shaved off their eyebrows and drawn them back
on.
Now, you can't have those things dripping down into your eyes.
You can't do that.
Courtside seats, right?
On television.
So they're all sitting there fanning them fucking themselves.
Can anybody explain to me why does LeBron, why does he get the cramps and
nobody else does?
Why back in the day when they would be playing in the Boston Garden that had no
air conditioning, right?
And Johnny Moss would be going, triple digits at the Boston Garden.
It was like over 100 degrees.
And you're seeing Kareem, he's on the oxygen.
And Robert Parrish takes a sip of water and then dumps the rest down the front
of his jersey.
None of them cramped up.
I don't understand.
I guess everybody, you know what?
That's like LeBron's kryptonite, I think, if it gets too fucking hot.
So they ought to turn up the heat on the heat there.
That's what I would do.
Because LeBron, I mean, look at the guy, the fucking guy's, the guy's a goddamn
Adonis.
He could body slam Adonis, whoever the fuck that guy is.
Is that some sort of Greek god who threw a discus in the nude?
What the fuck was wrong with the Greeks and their goddamn naked games?
Right?
Everybody grappling over there?
With their curly hair?
I'm just shitting on everybody this week, aren't I?
Oh, whatever.
It's Sunday night.
Did you guys go to church today?
Ba-ba-dee-bee-ba-ba-ba-boo-boo
There was an ark and a bunch of lepers
Make sure there's two
And that fucking whore
And Jesus won't throw a stone