Name: Bill Burr - Hot Teacher
Uploaded: 2014-06-24T15:48:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Hot Teacher' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Hot Teacher' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-24. Transcript available.

What would you rather do? Would you rather freeze to death? I'll give myself a
dilemma here. Would you rather freeze to death or, uh, I'm not gonna say burn
to death. Everybody's gonna choose freezing to death. Although there'll be a
couple of douches. Well, both of them are gonna be painful, so I'd rather get
the pain over with, you know, hit me with some sort of scientific facts or
whatever. He'll just say some science shit. They don't even have to be facts
when it comes to my scientific background, of which I have none.
You know, I took two goddamn classes. No, I didn't even do that. One was
chemistry. And I was just like, I'm not fucking looking at bugs. You know, I
know it's not bugs, but I had to follow through with that sentence. Cause that's
the first thing I thought of when I was looking, looking in the Petri dish.
What are you looking at? Huh? Oh, that's biology. So I was still wrong.
Chemistry.
You know what I love about this fucking podcast is how dumb you guys think I am.
Not how dumb you think I am, but like how much smarter, like the shit that you
guys write. I swear to God, you're, you're, you're fucking animals just like me.
All right. But whatever. Maybe that's my job. My job's to make you feel better.
Better. I don't know. I have no idea. Um, but anyways, yeah, my science, my
science background's horrific. I took, uh,
I just didn't give a fuck when I was younger. They shouldn't try to teach you
that shit when you're young.
You know, you're too busy staring at the fucking hot chicks in class. You're
sitting there with a fucking rod, you know, trying to memorize a periodical
chart. You can't do that. And if you can, you know what? I don't even know what
the fuck you are. You're not even a human being.
How are you not looking at the chick that developed the quickest, you know,
with the tits over there or Jordan's jeans, whatever sass on, whatever the fuck
they had back when I was a kid.
That's what you're looking at. Or even worse, you had some hottie for a fucking
teacher that you wanted to bang. You know, let me tell you about that time. I
got trouble. I got in trouble a long time ago. I was taking this French class.
Um, and the teacher I had was beautiful and she had a habit of wearing dresses
where she had a slit halfway up the side of her fucking leg.
You know, I'm in the eighth grade. What am I supposed to do? Well, long story
short, one day she came in, she had a slit up bolt on both sides of the dress.
Right. So she would be writing on the board. And when she would step back.
Did I ever tell this story? I can't remember. She would step back so you could
see, you know, she'd step one leg back and then somehow you could basically see
halfway up her leg on her inner thigh.
On the leg closest to the blackboard and like the fuck egg. It was over. All
right. No blood in my brain. I'm just going, all I'm doing is thinking how to
say in French, please step back again.
See you play. I have no idea. I don't, I'm not even fucking listening. And to
this day, I don't know. I never, I was one of the worst. I've had a teacher
yell at me. She called on me.
All right. And I'm trying to fucking answer her and I'm trying to bullshit my
way through. And she realizes that I haven't been fucking paying attention. And
she flipped out calling me a liar.
It's great. To this day, I swear to God, something was going on in her home
life because it's like, yeah, I mean, you should just called me a fucking liar
and moved on.
She just fucking, she berated me for like the last 20 minutes of the class.
I remember, geez, I'm rubbing my head now thinking about it. I was just sitting
there, you know, you know how many times I've thought about that fucking moment
in my life?
And I just wish that I had the emotional maturity to be like, you know, you
weren't paying attention, were you?
And I'd be like, no, I wasn't. I wasn't. Why don't you, you know, not come to
class?
All right. With, with two slits up both sides, you dress and I won't be, you
know what?
Your inner thigh is way more interesting than watching you go, je suis 2A and
all of that fucking crap.
Okay. Send me down to the office. What do you want?
What do you want from me? I don't give a, yeah, whatever.
I'm not passing this class anyways, am I? Am I?
You know what? Fuck this. I want to thank you for dressing the way that you do
because that shit you're writing on the board is not interesting.
It's not nearly as interesting as what's going on downstairs there. Okay.
And quit acting like you don't know what you're doing.
And you're yelling at me. You're getting on me. You're having a bad time with
your fucking husband.
That's what it is. What's the matter? He doesn't want to touch you anymore.
So now you got to come in here all gussied up, get us all hot and bothered,
right?
And then fucking scream and yell at me because I'm not paying.
You're not even yelling at me. You're yelling at your fucking husband.
Can you imagine? Actually, I probably wouldn't have got half that out.
I don't fucking know.