Name: Bill Burr - Animals At The Beach
Uploaded: 2014-06-24T16:55:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Animals At The Beach' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Animals At The Beach' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-06-24. Transcript available.

So anyways, I haven't been drinking. So today, uh, I was like, all right, you
know, I've been on the road and shit getting ready for this, uh, taping. I'm
going to take my wife out. She wanted to go to the beach, right? So I got my
little motorcycle ride in in the morning. I didn't die and, uh, came back and I
took her out to the beach and I went over to, uh, oh, I did my workout over
there, right over there on muscle beach. I stood there in a little banana hammock
showing off my fucking pasty body.
No, they got, uh, they got pull up bars and they got rings and they got the
rope over there. I hate the fucking new rope. Now they, they used to have like
a real rope. Now this one's made like, I don't know if they put some protective
thing on. It felt like it was almost made out of plastic. Um, I guess for the
weather or something like that. So it wouldn't disintegrate like the last one
did, but I did all right. I did all right on it, man. I was able to go almost
all the way up to the top without using my legs there. And I got to tell you
for 46, that ain't bad.
That ain't fucking bad. So after that we drive up to Malibu and I'm thinking
Malibu, this is fucking, you know, with all these rich people are and
everything, this is going to be nice.
We go to the beach and I tell you, I can't even begin to describe the fucking
animals, the absolute fucking animals that were at the beach.
I mean, it is fucking horrific. Fuck dude. You know, what's fucking hilarious
is seeing people from my generation and the generation before, like the tattoos
that were in, you know, like did, I saw this guy in the beach.
Right. And now that everybody's older and out of shape and has kids and shit,
this guy, you know, those fucking stars that everybody had, everybody got them
in the early 2000.
They were like red and then they had like some sort of darker shading in them.
I mean, I have a friend that has two of them, I think one on each elbow.
So there's some fucking guy, roughly the same age as my buddy. He's got one
just to the inside of both shoulders, which was sort of a weird place for him.
But if he had more tattoos, it'd look fine. But he had no other tattoos in that
area. It was just weird.
It's like, what are you, are you like a general in your own life? Why, why do
you have those fucking stars there? Right.
So he's sitting there, you could tell he used to be in shape, you know, he used
to have the packs, but now they're kind of looking down, staring at the floor,
big, stupid pot belly.
And he's sitting there as his kids are running around and he's eating, he's
digging into this bag of chips and they're not chips.
You know, those things that look like the onion rings, but they're not onion
rings.
It's like if you had a potato chip, but it was a fucking shape like an onion
ring that he's just sitting there eating those things.
So this other dude come by, and I know, dude, I am obsessed with trying to stay
in shape and not become what I see, okay, at the fucking beach.
This guy comes by, Latino guy, right?
Fucking big, giant belly and tattooed on his stomach.
You know, like Tupac had thug life.
This guy, for some reason, had Pasadena.
Oh, it was awful.
It was fucking awful.
There were two hotties on the beach other than my wife.
There was like the fucking model couple, guy and woman in front of us who
looked like they were, they were shooting a fucking guest ad.
And then all the way down the way, there was some chick in a fucking pink bikini
who was working out on the beach.
Total like exhibitionist.
It was great.
It was great.
I kept saying and they're going, look what she's doing now.
Look what she's doing now.
She's doing, she's doing, uh, leg lifts with, uh, weights on her ankles.
And she kept looking over going like, Oh God.
No, I love when women get mad at other women who are fucking prancing around
showing their clam.
It's fucking hilarious.
You know, I'm trying to think of the guy version of that.
What would a guy be doing?
I guess I'm trying to think of something that a guy would be doing in that
version that would, that same scenario that wouldn't make me laugh my ass off.
The only thing guys would do that would ever bug me is, is, uh, I guess, walk
up and just start, you know, hitting on your girlfriend or your wife or
whatever, right in front of you.
I guess that would be the only thing other than that.
If they're walking around peacocking, I don't give a fuck.
I think it's hilarious, you know, and plus you're young.
Go ahead.
Exactly.
Go fuck her in the surf while you still can.
So anyways, we're sitting there.
Oh, and the families.
Dude, what kind of people go to the beach?
As you can tell, I'm not a beach person, so I never went.
Just fucking animals.
These fucking people brought a table down.
They got a large cheese pizza.
They're just sitting on the beach getting fatter.
You know, it's like you're going to take your shirt off in a second.
You're going to slam, you're going to fucking down four slices of pepperoni
mushroom.
Jesus Christ.
You know, and I would love to, I don't know.
I would love to act like, you know, people try to act like it's only in America
where everybody's all fat.
Uh, we are, we are pretty goddamn fat because our food is such fucking poison.
Um, but it's, it's still a shit show everywhere else.
I don't know.
In its own way.
Oh, speaking of that, do you know what's, I was, uh,
I was in Utah last week and I took this picture and I put it up on Twitter and
I was in the gym, right?
The hotel gym.
And they had a couple of ellipticals and then they had a big window where you
looked outside and right across the street was, uh, this fast food place.
So I took a picture of it and just hashtag like, come on, man, you know, like I'm
trying to lose weight here and you're tempting me with this shit.
So the fast food place saw it and then tried to write a joke about it, like
trying to draw me into the horse shit, the fucking poison that they're serving.
Hey, we said, why don't you come over here afterwards and do some fucking
hamburger curls.
Get it.
That's what they hashtag.
You get it.
You know, acting like they're the cool fucking dealer of poison.
Right.
And I just wrote it back.
I was like, no, I don't get it.
Why would I work out and then go over into your restaurant and eat that poison
kind of defeats the purpose of working out?
No.
And they never wrote back.
Stop acting like you're cool.
You know, it would be cool if they just came out and said, listen, what we're
serving you is absolutely fucking horrific.
There's barely an ounce of nutrition in this shit, but God damn it.
It is fucking delicious.
So don't have it all the time.
Just every once in a while.
If they just came out and said that.
You know, I don't fucking know.
I mean, what I'm talking about here.
I'm just trying to, you know, I'm just trying to get through another podcast.
That's all I'm trying to do.