Name: Bill Burr - Old School Vegas Shit
Uploaded: 2014-07-01T12:42:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Old School Vegas Shit' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-07-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Old School Vegas Shit' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-07-01. Transcript available.

so anyways uh let's get back to vegas out here i uh had a great time last night
um i did a surprise not so surprise um guest spot and uh on the fucking
what the fuck the uh the all the all-in tour sorry guys i you can you tell i've
been drinking
again drinking again oh baby i'm drinking again i went 73 fucking days with the
without the booze
and uh verzi bartnick and lawhead all came in saturday night after um my second
show
over here at the mirage and uh i came back to my room and i was waiting for
them they were on their
way up kevin shea opened for me all right so all all the fucking maniacs were
out here and i'm sitting
there with the lovely nia and she's going i'm tired i'm like i'm tired too i
swear to god if
these guys weren't in town i would just go to bed and they showed up we had a
couple of drinks
made some cigars sitting on the table and i go to my wife hey you know what let's
just we're just
gonna go outside smoke this cigar i'll be back in a couple hours or whatever
and that was like it
i don't know what that was that was probably just a little bit after midnight
and i don't you know i started drinking and i just became that guy that guy who
just wants to keep
going and does not want to go home and uh bartnick was joking said what we did
was basically they could
have shot a commercial for las vegas is what we did um i hate to say it we did
and we just did old
school vegas shit that was not old school when i first started coming to vegas
but i've been out
here for 15 years and like the new schools going to that dj shit so i don't
know what the fuck we
did we somehow i think we ended up over the venetian and uh we were already
smoking cigars i don't
really even remember i was just pounding
where were we i played roulette somewhere and i made money then i cashed out
then we went over
to the venetian and i remember playing craps
throwing the dice
and i just kept going hey hey hey i started yelling at everybody saying i'm
throwing numbers over here
right and i just started throwing i did what i always did i bet the six the
eight in the past
bar i should have bet the point i hit the point twice i threw like fucking i
don't know 12 15 numbers
in a row you know i was bullshitting man i had like five bucks on each fucking
thing or whatever i
made and i made a couple hundred bucks because i was too drunk to realize like
bill you know what
you're feeling it why not throw down a little bit more but i didn't and i just
remember people on the
other end of the table
we're going hey hey you're bill burr you're throwing diet i go that's right
there button down
i'm throwing numbers
i was talking shit i was having a hell of a time
tipping people doing what you're supposed to do
laughing my ass off i made money
i went back over cashed out i had like fucking three one hundred dollar bills
in my pocket
after starting off with my own hundred so i guess i was up 200 bucks and all of
a sudden this shady
dude comes up to us who had this weird little sort of zipper scar on his nose
and he's handing us a
fucking flyer oh wait somewhere in there i met these two asian chicks and i
talked them back into their
dreams i can't answer that um this one girl she was an accountant she wanted to
be in fashion
and i was like so go do that she's like do you really think i can i'm like yeah
you totally can just keep your day job and just start working on the fashion
thing and then eventually
fashion thing will surpass your other thing
she was like you're so awesome and all i'm thinking in my head is this is why
that fucking guy
was able to buy where the houston rockets used to play and go in there and talk
about
jesus what the fuck is that guy's name
you know that guy you know
oh what is his fucking name
he's got the squinty eyes
he closes his eyes and he sits there you know
jesus wants you to have a popsicle
he wants you all you got to do is just tell people what they what they want to
hear
and i was totally sincere
when i told this woman to go follow her dreams but i didn't really give her any
sort of concrete plan
all i did was just tell her that she could do it
and it made her feel good so i did do a good thing but you know something
if the bottom falls out uh of stand-up comedy that's what i'm gonna i'm gonna
turn into a motivational speaker
i i would absolutely crush it because i already know how to make people laugh
and then rather than being a negative cunt i would totally turn it
i would finally take off like
you know you know when spider-man wears that black suit
and he can't control it
and he starts acting like a cunt you know
starts talking shit to women and spraying web web juice in their face
then he goes back to the the classic red and blue and then he's like oh i'm
sorry about that sweetie
let me get that um oh shit i didn't finish that fucking story
so this guy with a goddamn zipper scar on his fucking nose
he convinces us to go to to a titty bar which really wasn't difficult
and next thing you know we're in this fucking titty bar
and on these women we're really goddamn aggressive
like the second you sat down one of them sat in your lap
and i was like it was really i'll be honest with you it was fucking suffocating
i actually just kind of like hey can you fucking let me just get my bearings
here
before you quit trying to shake your tits they're fake they're not moving
all right
what do you do next shake your elbow
um so anyways we're in this fucking place
and uh
i don't know i mean we're old guys we don't give a fuck
next thing you know it's like six o'clock in the goddamn morning
six something
we came walking out it was broad daylight
and i'm sitting there like
the only thing i can relate it to was
when i was playing up in alaska
when uh
when it was that one of those times a year where i had like 22 hours
of sunlight
and you were inside the club
and you're drinking and it's about two in the morning like
all right guys i'm tired i'm going to bed
and then you would walk outside
you'd open the door into broad daylight
and immediately your body's clock you would wake up
instead of two in the afternoon
two at night it seemed like two in the afternoon
it was the only way i could describe it
and i walked out
and uh
all i heard was kevin shay's
maniacal fucking laugh
at like how light it was out
um
so that was my basically that was my first night out here
and i gotta be honest with you
i'm still recovering from it
and that was two goddamn days ago
last night after our show
i was just like i sat down
and i got something to eat
i had one budweiser
and then i went to bed
and i was fucking psyched
to come back and go to bed
so
that goes back to what i was talking about
so i have to dress maturely
all right
not like i was ever a guy walking around a tank top
i didn't i didn't have any fucking uh pigment
you know
but i gotta tell you
you go down in the pool
some people
i don't know if they just have
they just
they can't see it
or if they just don't give a fuck
some of the shit that people wear
down by a goddamn pool
i mean
it's just like
can you put that
all of that shit away
can you put it away
half the people at the pool
should be wearing
like one of those bathing suits
from the roaring 20s
you know
where it was basically
it was kind of a mechanic suit
like that fonzie used to wear
that onesie zip up
except you would cut the sleeves off
and you would cut the legs off
that's what guys would wear
women would wear the same thing
and they'd have a little frilly thing
going around the outside
now
it's unreal man
oh jesus
in my generation
whoo
it's it's ugly
the tramp stamps
the barbed wire tattoo
around your arm
it's just uh
it's not a good fucking look
it's just not a good look