Name: Bill Burr - Boxing vs UFC
Uploaded: 2014-07-08T12:57:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Boxing vs UFC' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-07-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Boxing vs UFC' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-07-08. Transcript available.

Anybody watch the UFC last night?
That Erickson guy, whatever the fuck his name is,
fought Benicio Del Toro.
What was it? Benicio Del Toro head with Brad Pitt's torso from Fight Club.
The first three rounds were kind of boring, and then it got good.
It got really fucking good.
And Ronda Rousey, Ronda Rousey, whatever the fuck you say her name,
she fucking, dude, she beat up the chick that she was fighting
the way my older brother used to beat me up.
You know, I'd get a couple in, and then he'd just put me in a headlock,
throw me over his hip, and then just give me a bunch of noogies.
Except there was no ref to break it up.
I was actually upset when the referee broke it up,
and I didn't realize that her arm had gone limp.
Jesus Christ, she took like seven punches right to the forehead.
You know what's funny about the UFC?
Like, you just can't fucking, you can never get over there quick enough.
At least in boxing, when you get fucking knocked out,
you go down, and the guy goes to the other corner.
In that sport, they rush you, and they fucking,
what does it, what does it, what does it?
Bang it, bang it, bang it.
And the fucking ref is coming over like, no.
You always take like another three, four.
I don't know, haven't said that, I still love the sport.
And Verzi always gives me shit.
He fucking texted me last night.
He goes, I texted him, I said, hey, I'm watching that sport you love,
because he's always shitting on it.
I'm watching the UFC.
And he said, he goes, I'm watching it too.
And he goes, I like the UFC, I just think boxing is better.
And I texted him back.
I was like, yeah, I kind of guessed that the first 18 times you told me that.
He's one of those guys who always hypes up boxing as like the sweet science.
Whoever called it the sweet science first, I don't think ever got fucking
knocked out.
You know, whoever called it the sweet science, never talked to a boxer that's
in his 50s and 60s
and is dealing with the fucking brain trauma.
I mean, I totally respect boxing and UFC.
I think, you know, they're fucking warriors.
I just hate people who attack the UFC and they just get it.
They're fucking rolling around the ground.
It looks like two guys are about ready to fuck each other.
It's just like, I understand a little bit.
Who's getting who?
The guard is basically missionary position, except somebody is trying to
fucking, you know,
knock your fucking block off.
Other than that, I guess it's, I guess it is a sexual position.
But, um, I will say this.
People just always say that, you know, dude, if they went up against a boxer or
a boxer with
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I don't think so.
I think it's like 50-50.
Because I remember when, uh, what was it?
Tim, the maniac, Sylvia fought that, what the fuck was that guy's name?
He had like the hardest head ever.
And he tried to grab him by the back of his neck and pull him down and fucking
give him a knee to the head.
And the guy just threw an uppercut and knocked out Tim Sylvia.
I think it would be about 50-50.
But I would have to get, after a while, I would think the UFC guys would learn
to deal with the danger of a boxer's hands.
Because I don't think anybody in the UFC can box as good as a professional
boxer.
Because that's all they fucking do.
You know what I mean?
Like, I'm sure there's some quarterbacks in the NFL that can kick the ball.
You know?
Can actually do a halfway decent punt.
But they're not going to be better than the punter who sits there stretching
his fucking leg until he can do a total split.
They're never going to kick it farther than that guy because that's all he does.
So I would think even Muhammad Ali in his fucking prime would have a hard time
going 50-50 if all he knew was boxing.
Because I would think that 50% of the time, maybe he could catch the person as
they came in and tried to shoot his legs.
And I know I don't know shit about this.
So all you fight fans, fucking relax, all right?
I got an hour here to kill.
This is me just, you know, I took a couple of fucking jiu-jitsu classes and
that was it.
Before I was on to something else, I was just like, this isn't for me.
You know what I mean?
By the time jiu-jitsu became, people were doing it, I was already in my 30s.
And I was just like, I'm too fucking old to be fucking rolling around on the
ground.
You know?
I'm giving up my wallet, okay?
I'm at that age.
And I'm going to pray you don't kill me.
Just take whatever you want, man.
I don't want trouble.
I got a black belt in that.
So anyway, just fucking entertain me here.
I would think that if a mixed martial artist, instead of a UFC guy or woman, if
they were to fucking fight a professional boxer, obviously, you know, they're
throwing hands.
So all I would do, I would stay outside if I had an MMA person skill.
I would stay outside of their hands and I would just do what Joe Rogan loves
the best, the fucking leg kicks and just keep smacking them in the fucking
thigh over and over and over again.
Chop them down.
And then when you shoot their legs, the second you get them on their back, they're
fucked.
If you have no fucking defense against somebody that knows how to grapple and
ground upon the ground, dude, you're fucking done.
It's over.
Maybe I'm nuts.
Maybe I'm fucking crazy.
I don't know anything about this.
But I'll tell you this right now.
I was actually, those, the women of the UFC, like what's her face, Ronda Rousey,
what she did to that woman, she could do to me.
I mean, it would be over.
She'd fucking throw my pasty ass right over her goddamn hip.
My fucking powder white legs would slam on the ground.
And I would, I don't know what I would, and I would just be taking them to the
fucking head.
I'd probably be making some really embarrassing, like emasculating fucking
noise in her armpit, like, and that would, I would lose consciousness.
I think if I ever dated somebody, I was married to a woman that was as good a
fighter as Ronda is, I would literally,
the amount of times I would be like, okay, okay, you know, just, let's just
talk this out, all right?
Just, because you could, she would literally be beating the shit out of me.
What am I going to do?
Am I going to report it?
I couldn't.
Then what I'd have to do was on the side, I would have to start taking some
classes.
Just as a man, I can't fucking report this shit.
I'd have to start taking some classes to somehow get some sort of defense.
Against her throwing me across the fucking living room.
And then once the first time she ever saw any sort of beyond what the fuck I
knew, you know?
Oh, what are you taking classes behind my back?
And then she kicked the shit out of me even worse.
Oh, my God.
See, this is why I wish the Chappelle show was still on.
How funny would fucking Dave Chappelle be in a goddamn sketch about dating the
UFC female champion and pissing her off?
Remember in the Rick James sketch when he gets kicked in the air and he landed
on that dresser?
Just imagine them using the same special effects of him getting thrown over
that one of those judo throws.
Jesus Christ.
That reminded me of when I remember in the late 80s when you used to fucking,
like her fight, her title defense.
That reminded me of Tyson in his prime as far as how quickly it was over.
Do you remember that shit?
Anybody else of age that they remember ordering the Tyson fight?
Guys, come on over.
I got the Tyson fight and, like, Tyson, the fight ended before the pizza got
there.
And everyone was just standing around fucking eating a pizza that was too hot
to bite into.
Just going, like, dude, that was fucking bullshit.
Cost like 45 bucks.
I still remember where I was when he beat Michael Spinks, a buddy of mine.
We were in his newly finished basement.
The same basement I watched when Larry Bird stole the ball from Isaiah Thomas.
It had a nice low ceiling.
I remember that I jumped up and scraped my knuckles like Raising Arizona.
I remember we were there watching the fight.
And we were beside ourselves.
Couldn't fucking believe it.
Because we didn't understand back then, you know, the whole fucking liver punch
and all that shit.
We just didn't get it.
We were like, how the fuck is this guy?
Actually, I think he took one to the head at that point.
Took a shot to the side.
And then in the last, he had already gone down, like, fucking three times.
It was over in, like, 90, 91 seconds.
And we were pissed.
You know what's funny?
His house was the house that always ordered the fight.
I watched, like, the first WrestleMania over there.
God damn it.
Those were good times.
Good fucking times.
So, anyways, I still totally respect boxing.
I respect all of that shit, man.
I wish I knew how to do that stuff.
I wish I could learn that shit without getting the brain damage.
You know?
So, anyways, what do you guys think?
If Floyd Mayweather, because that's the thing Verzi always brings up.
Oh, dude, we had a fucking, we had a fucking epic argument where Verzi was
trying to say,
I'm going to get him in trouble here, because everyone's going to fucking write
into his podcast.
He was trying to say that Mayweather would have beaten Hagler, Hearns, Duran,
and Sugar Ray Leonard.
And I was trying to say, look, you know, at best, he goes two and two.
Okay?
I'm not trying to disrespect him, and I'm not trying to disrespect them.
And Verzi just kept going, he's the fastest fighter ever.
That's what they said.
He has the fastest hands ever.
And it's like, okay, okay, yeah, the guys calling the fight, who are selling
the fight,
who are trying to convince you that you are not wasting your money by ordering
the pay-per-view.
Yes, they're hyping him up as the greatest, the fastest, and all that fucking
shit.
But, you know, I don't know.
So, me, Lawhead, and him got in this screaming match as Bartnick sat there
laughing at us.
We were in this great steakhouse at the Mirage.
Unbelievable fucking steaks.
Unbelievable fucking steaks we had.
And we were like, it was us, and there was one other family that was, like,
across the restaurant.
We basically closed the place down.
And we got into such a fucking screaming match about whether or not Hagler, Hearns,
or whatever could beat Floyd Mayweather.
I remember looking over, and there was two waiters at the other side of the
restaurant just laughing at us.
But Verzi was convinced that Mayweather, I don't know.
I got to be honest with you, I don't watch enough boxing to know.
I mean, I don't see Mayweather knocking anybody out.
I don't know.
I always thought Hagler was the best out of all of them, even though he lost to
Sugar Ray Leonard.
I thought that was bullshit.
I thought he won that fight.
And I got to hand it to him.
He fucking lost that fight.
Said this is bullshit.
He left.
He moved to Italy.
He became an action hero, right?
And he never heard of him since.
I bet his brain is pretty much intact, so good on him.
You know, Bartnick is convinced that he fucking threw the fight, and that's why
he immediately went to Italy afterwards and became an action hero star.
He said that didn't make any fucking sense.
I don't know, but he looked visibly upset at the end of the fight.
He's saying, like, this is why you don't fight in Vegas, and yada, yada, yada,
and all this other fucking bullshit.
So anyways...