Name: Bill Burr & Nia - Back To School Dating Advice
Uploaded: 2014-09-02T06:44:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Back To School Dating Advice' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-09-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Back To School Dating Advice' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-09-02. Transcript available.

All right, back to school. Hello, Mr. Burr. I'm about to start my sophomore
year of high school soon, and I want to know if you can give me some advice.
Yeah, don't do what I did. I said my grades were pretty good last year, so that
really isn't a problem. Dude, that's fucking huge. Keep your grades up. Keep
your options wide open. Unlike mine, that fucking closed immediately.
For this upcoming year, the grades aren't a problem for this upcoming year, but
the girls of my school are. I have no problem making friends in both genders,
but I can't really seal the deal with the ladies. I know I am young and
probably shouldn't not be worrying about sex yet, but as a horny teenager, oh,
Jesus Christ, please tell me this is a guy.
He said, I feel the need, oh, he said with women, but you know, you never know.
He said, I feel the need to at least try and get laid. I can't seem to be taken
seriously by girls in my school. They seem to think I'm just a comedian and not
a possible sexual partner.
Any advice on how to get with these girls? Any advice is appreciated. I know
you get a lot of advice questions, so thank you very much for reading this. Ah,
God damn it. He went respectful.
I love your standard podcast and your film, blah, blah, blah. The heat breaking
back. Thank you. I appreciate all that.
Um, I didn't get laid in high school, so I, you're asking, you're barking up
the wrong fucking tree. I was, I was you. I was you. I was making my friends
laugh, but I didn't have, I didn't have women friends either.
So you're, you're, you're further along than I am. So I actually am going to
ask you, how did you do that?
I wasn't even like, oh dude, it was a fucking barren wasteland.
My, my, my, my childhood was overloaded testosterone. So overloaded that like,
I don't even like, you know, I am just getting like my views and understanding
on women at 46.
Like I should have been plowing through this at like 19.
Um, I just, as far as understanding how, where they're coming from.
So, uh, what, what can, what advice can I give you?
Um, um, um, stop being friends with, with women.
Uh, see, bad advice. Like I wouldn't do that.
There's that, there's that whole fucking bit Chris Rock did where if you stay
friends with them too long, they view the, view you that way.
And then looking at you as a sexual partner becomes gross.
Um, so what I, this is the deal. I'm not going to go negative. Stay friends
with the women you're friends with.
All right. But don't become friends with any other ones.
Hit on all the other ones. All right. If you're out, if you're in a really
small fucking pond, go to a fucking party the next town over and be the
mysterious guy from the other town.
Although if there's football players there, they might just beat the shit out
of you.
At least that's what would happen when I was a kid. So watch out for that shit.
Um, I don't know. I would say the upside is that college is only two years away.
College is only two years away. And this is the deal. You're going to be
thinking back all the fucking women that you could have fucking been having fun
with.
Um, so you just get, you got to put it out there, man. I think that that's what
you're doing.
I think you're, you're being like, uh, you, you don't know how to fucking get
into that traffic pattern.
You know, you just sort of circling the fucking, you're in a holding pattern
here, man.
You got to, you got to try to come in for a landing.
And, uh, I would say any girl that you were friends with, it's fucking over.
Don't even try to hook up with them. Don't weird them out. All right.
I would actually, you know what I would do a couple of them. I would talk to
them.
I would talk to them. And you know what, if you're friends with them, they'll
try and hook you up with some other girl who they'll see is like, well, you
know, she wants to meet a boy.
That's, there you go. That might be the way to get in there. Hey, Nia, can you
help this kid get laid?
This is beyond, this is beyond my realm.
It's a, it's a, it's a fucking, it's a, it's a kid in high school. Some kid in
high school. He, he has no problem making friends. He's doing well in school.
He has a lot of female friends, but he can't seem to get past that. So he's
asking me, how does he get laid as a sophomore in high school? I was like, I
didn't get.
Sophomore in high school?
Whatever. Hook up, you know, get him in the game. He wants to meet bats. All
right.
Aw, he's so young and cute.
He doesn't need to, he doesn't want to be cute. This guy wants to be a badass,
man.
He wants to be a badass.
He's got Marlboro Man here. You got to build this dude up.
So, so he, he's friends with a lot of women. So me, like a moron, you know what
I said? I said, first thing you got to do, don't be friends with any more women.
And I immediately heard your voice in my head going, you're such a fucking moron.
So I was like, all right, scratch that.
So I came up with, don't try to hook up with any of the girls you're friends
with because they've already stopped looking at you like you're a sexual being.
It's going to seem gross.
You're already in the friend zone.
Yeah. The Chris, Chris Rock, classic Chris Rock, the friend zone.
So I said a couple of them that you feel like you can trust.
Just kind of put it out there. Like, Hey, you know, I have girl, girls, just,
you, you, you, you, you play, uh, you back away. Like, Hey, you know, girls,
they don't want to hook up with me. They, oh, gee, they just look at me like I'm
just funny. And then they'll be like, what are you talking about? You have a
lot to offer. And then I think that they'll maybe hook him up with some other
girl that they know that is probably maybe saying the same shit.
Yeah. But he probably knows all those girls though. I feel like he's got to
move outside his circle of, of, uh, the girls that he's friends with. I mean,
if he wants to sort of be like, do you guys think I'm, I don't know, do some
sort of like, I don't know what, am I cool?
Am I like, do you think girls want to like date me? Cause I just feel like, you
know, you can't say, am I cool? Once you say, am I cool? You're not cool
anymore. Well, I suggest, I suggested that he go to another town, but I'm
worried he's going to run into town. Yeah. Be the mysterious guy. Where are you
from? Ah, the next town over. You should see our seven 11 baby.
If there's a girl that he likes, he should just go up and just start talking to
her, but just make it clear. Not by being like, I want to date you or I want to
fuck you. Cause I'm looking to get lit. Not like that, but just like, Oh, that's
bad.
Yeah. Just start like, you know, just being funny and, and, and all that kind
of stuff and just being cool with her. But definitely like, you got to put up
the flirtatious vibe. That's what it is. It's all about properly flirting. You
know what I mean?
And not like lingering too long with it and not like, Oh, can I, you know, just
showing up at her locker, you know, in between classes already there. Like, Hey,
so going to algebra, huh? Like, not like that.
Lingering's bad. I learned that the hard way.
Were you a lingerer and I was quiet. So I look like a psycho creepy. Yeah,
definitely. I could definitely see that being your, uh, your thing.
Oh, when I was younger, my thing, like I'm a fucking creep. I didn't know what
to do. I was old. I was old Billy Freckles.
I wasn't, I was a man without a country.
You just got to just flirt with them. Just be cute with them. Give them a
compliment.
Don't go too overboard with it. You know, even if it's just something like, you
know,
All right. I'm going to give you two compliments.
Sally, you know, like nice dress, keep moving and keep it.
Hey, Sally, nice dress. He's got to give him something better than that.
I'm not really good at this.
Okay.
Cause I feel like it's like a natural thing that you have. It's all about, you
know what it is?
I think, I think once you're secure with yourself and you're not feeling those
feelings of inadequacy,
that's when that kind of natural swag can happen. You can't manufacture it. So
that's why me trying
to give him like lines to throw out sounds ridiculous. Cause they're completely
manufactured.
Yeah. And also you're a woman, so you don't have to like hit on people. You
just show up and look cute.
That's why.
Yeah. We've been through this before. I'm not getting into it again.
That's why at your cute age, your opening line is, Hey, Sally, nice dress.
I know that really wasn't terrible, but just give out a compliment and keep it
moving. That's all I'm saying.
Can you come up with a middle ground between, uh, Hey, Sally, nice dress and
Hey, uh, Sally, nice fucking rack.
What? What'd I say?
I don't think that I can just make it something like, you know, just offhanded,
you know? Oh, that's cool. Or what's that? Or just ask about something about
her, you know, what's that book you're reading?
Well, I'm trying to put it in context of like a school type of situation. So it's
not completely at a left field.
You know what you're good at starting the car, getting in, right? Hey, what's
that book you're reading? And then, then she's got to be like, um, uh, fucking
Harry Potter. And then you're like, yeah.
I saw that movie. That's pretty, pretty cool. Oh God. I'm the worst.
And then your face turns all red. Well, the thing about it is too, is we're
talking about teenagers here. So I don't know that this is, this is fucking
creepy.
Yeah. We're a long ways away from being like in high school. So I can't even
like go back there mentally to figure out how a boy that age would talk to a
girl. I have no idea.
Cause I, I can't, I can't remember anything previous to insult her a little bit.
Like that's, that's how I always hit on negging.
Is that what it's called? Yeah. The old tearing them down. No, not tearing them
down, but just giving them shit in a funny way.
Yeah. Well, that's all. Yeah. That can be cute for sure. T is like a playful
teasing.
Yeah. But it's like, you got to know the person well enough to do that. You
know what I mean? It's like, if it's some girl that he's, hasn't talked to in
like three years.
And all of a sudden he's like, yeah, if we'll get blah, blah, blah. And like,
she's going to be like, what? Who's that?
Yeah. No, no, no, no.
Who was that? That's the worst.
I've learned all these lessons.
Who was that?
Did I ever tell you that I ever tell you?
I feel like it's less about, here's my, here's my final thought on it. I think
it's less about, oh, shut up. I think it's less about how do I get the girls to
like me?
Did I tell you to shut up?
Yeah, I did.
Why'd you tell me to shut up?
Because your face was saying things.
No, because, no.
I didn't like what your face was saying to me. So I told her to shut up.
I'm going to, I'm going to tell you what my, I was imitating a woman's face
when I said something to her one time. That was the face she made at me.
What do you mean? What did you say?
Uh, you know, I was in between relationships.
You remember, just spit it out.
No, because it's embarrassing. I was in between relationships and all these
comics were just like, dude, just, you know, just fucking say it.
And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And just stay single and just bang a bunch of broads and blah, blah, blah, blah.
So I tried to be that guy.
So, and it was sort of working for me.
And then I just, one night it just completely backfrored.
I was at Dangerfield and this woman came up to me and told me how much she
liked my, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I started the small talk and everything.
And then I tried to be, you know, leather jacket guy.
I said, hey, you want to just cut through the bullshit?
I mean, I live right up the street.
If you want to come.
And she goes, she just went like, what?
No, no.
And she slowly backed away.
And I was like, I fucking, it took me six.
You blew it, BB.
You blew it.
There was nothing to blow.
It was just fucking, it wasn't even there.
There was no situation.
I completely, I misread the whole thing.
I feel like this kid has just got to just get his, his confidence and his own
personal swag going.
That's all it is.
It's like, I feel like it's not about the other people so much is about how you
feel about yourself, you know?
And I, but I feel like that's also like a concept that's kind of hard for
people that.
You know what, dude?
You're going to figure it out.
Just keep fucking trying.
Say hi.
Just say hi.
Hey, how's it going?
And keep moving.
That's what I feel like.
You know how you're talking about the mystery.
That's way better than, hi Sally, nice dress.
I know.
That was the fucking worst advice ever.
You know, judging by your skills and some of the shit that I said back in the
day, I don't know how we ever fucking met.
How did we make it?
I make it because I think we're both, you know.
It just makes sense.
Nerds.
All right, beat it.
I got to read the advertising and wrap this up.

Bill Burr & Nia - Back To School Dating Advice

All right, back to school. Hello, Mr. Burr. I'm about to start my sophomore
year of high school soon, and I want to know if you can give me some advice.
Yeah, don't do what I did. I said my grades were pretty good last year, so that
really isn't a problem. Dude, that's fucking huge. Keep your grades up. Keep
your options wide open. Unlike mine, that fucking closed immediately.
For this upcoming year, the grades aren't a problem for this upcoming year, but
the girls of my school are. I have no problem making friends in both genders,
but I can't really seal the deal with the ladies. I know I am young and
probably shouldn't not be worrying about sex yet, but as a horny teenager, oh,
Jesus Christ, please tell me this is a guy.
He said, I feel the need, oh, he said with women, but you know, you never know.
He said, I feel the need to at least try and get laid. I can't seem to be taken
seriously by girls in my school. They seem to think I'm just a comedian and not
a possible sexual partner.
Any advice on how to get with these girls? Any advice is appreciated. I know
you get a lot of advice questions, so thank you very much for reading this. Ah,
God damn it. He went respectful.
I love your standard podcast and your film, blah, blah, blah. The heat breaking
back. Thank you. I appreciate all that.
Um, I didn't get laid in high school, so I, you're asking, you're barking up
the wrong fucking tree. I was, I was you. I was you. I was making my friends
laugh, but I didn't have, I didn't have women friends either.
So you're, you're, you're further along than I am. So I actually am going to
ask you, how did you do that?
I wasn't even like, oh dude, it was a fucking barren wasteland.
My, my, my, my childhood was overloaded testosterone. So overloaded that like,
I don't even like, you know, I am just getting like my views and understanding
on women at 46.
Like I should have been plowing through this at like 19.
Um, I just, as far as understanding how, where they're coming from.
So, uh, what, what can, what advice can I give you?
Um, um, um, stop being friends with, with women.
Uh, see, bad advice. Like I wouldn't do that.
There's that, there's that whole fucking bit Chris Rock did where if you stay
friends with them too long, they view the, view you that way.
And then looking at you as a sexual partner becomes gross.
Um, so what I, this is the deal. I'm not going to go negative. Stay friends
with the women you're friends with.
All right. But don't become friends with any other ones.
Hit on all the other ones. All right. If you're out, if you're in a really
small fucking pond, go to a fucking party the next town over and be the
mysterious guy from the other town.
Although if there's football players there, they might just beat the shit out
of you.
At least that's what would happen when I was a kid. So watch out for that shit.
Um, I don't know. I would say the upside is that college is only two years away.
College is only two years away. And this is the deal. You're going to be
thinking back all the fucking women that you could have fucking been having fun
with.
Um, so you just get, you got to put it out there, man. I think that that's what
you're doing.
I think you're, you're being like, uh, you, you don't know how to fucking get
into that traffic pattern.
You know, you just sort of circling the fucking, you're in a holding pattern
here, man.
You got to, you got to try to come in for a landing.
And, uh, I would say any girl that you were friends with, it's fucking over.
Don't even try to hook up with them. Don't weird them out. All right.
I would actually, you know what I would do a couple of them. I would talk to
them.
I would talk to them. And you know what, if you're friends with them, they'll
try and hook you up with some other girl who they'll see is like, well, you
know, she wants to meet a boy.
That's, there you go. That might be the way to get in there. Hey, Nia, can you
help this kid get laid?
This is beyond, this is beyond my realm.
It's a, it's a, it's a fucking, it's a, it's a kid in high school. Some kid in
high school. He, he has no problem making friends. He's doing well in school.
He has a lot of female friends, but he can't seem to get past that. So he's
asking me, how does he get laid as a sophomore in high school? I was like, I
didn't get.
Sophomore in high school?
Whatever. Hook up, you know, get him in the game. He wants to meet bats. All
right.
Aw, he's so young and cute.
He doesn't need to, he doesn't want to be cute. This guy wants to be a badass,
man.
He wants to be a badass.
He's got Marlboro Man here. You got to build this dude up.
So, so he, he's friends with a lot of women. So me, like a moron, you know what
I said? I said, first thing you got to do, don't be friends with any more women.
And I immediately heard your voice in my head going, you're such a fucking moron.
So I was like, all right, scratch that.
So I came up with, don't try to hook up with any of the girls you're friends
with because they've already stopped looking at you like you're a sexual being.
It's going to seem gross.
You're already in the friend zone.
Yeah. The Chris, Chris Rock, classic Chris Rock, the friend zone.
So I said a couple of them that you feel like you can trust.
Just kind of put it out there. Like, Hey, you know, I have girl, girls, just,
you, you, you, you, you play, uh, you back away. Like, Hey, you know, girls,
they don't want to hook up with me. They, oh, gee, they just look at me like I'm
just funny. And then they'll be like, what are you talking about? You have a
lot to offer. And then I think that they'll maybe hook him up with some other
girl that they know that is probably maybe saying the same shit.
Yeah. But he probably knows all those girls though. I feel like he's got to
move outside his circle of, of, uh, the girls that he's friends with. I mean,
if he wants to sort of be like, do you guys think I'm, I don't know, do some
sort of like, I don't know what, am I cool?
Am I like, do you think girls want to like date me? Cause I just feel like, you
know, you can't say, am I cool? Once you say, am I cool? You're not cool
anymore. Well, I suggest, I suggested that he go to another town, but I'm
worried he's going to run into town. Yeah. Be the mysterious guy. Where are you
from? Ah, the next town over. You should see our seven 11 baby.
If there's a girl that he likes, he should just go up and just start talking to
her, but just make it clear. Not by being like, I want to date you or I want to
fuck you. Cause I'm looking to get lit. Not like that, but just like, Oh, that's
bad.
Yeah. Just start like, you know, just being funny and, and, and all that kind
of stuff and just being cool with her. But definitely like, you got to put up
the flirtatious vibe. That's what it is. It's all about properly flirting. You
know what I mean?
And not like lingering too long with it and not like, Oh, can I, you know, just
showing up at her locker, you know, in between classes already there. Like, Hey,
so going to algebra, huh? Like, not like that.
Lingering's bad. I learned that the hard way.
Were you a lingerer and I was quiet. So I look like a psycho creepy. Yeah,
definitely. I could definitely see that being your, uh, your thing.
Oh, when I was younger, my thing, like I'm a fucking creep. I didn't know what
to do. I was old. I was old Billy Freckles.
I wasn't, I was a man without a country.
You just got to just flirt with them. Just be cute with them. Give them a
compliment.
Don't go too overboard with it. You know, even if it's just something like, you
know,
All right. I'm going to give you two compliments.
Sally, you know, like nice dress, keep moving and keep it.
Hey, Sally, nice dress. He's got to give him something better than that.
I'm not really good at this.
Okay.
Cause I feel like it's like a natural thing that you have. It's all about, you
know what it is?
I think, I think once you're secure with yourself and you're not feeling those
feelings of inadequacy,
that's when that kind of natural swag can happen. You can't manufacture it. So
that's why me trying
to give him like lines to throw out sounds ridiculous. Cause they're completely
manufactured.
Yeah. And also you're a woman, so you don't have to like hit on people. You
just show up and look cute.
That's why.
Yeah. We've been through this before. I'm not getting into it again.
That's why at your cute age, your opening line is, Hey, Sally, nice dress.
I know that really wasn't terrible, but just give out a compliment and keep it
moving. That's all I'm saying.
Can you come up with a middle ground between, uh, Hey, Sally, nice dress and
Hey, uh, Sally, nice fucking rack.
What? What'd I say?
I don't think that I can just make it something like, you know, just offhanded,
you know? Oh, that's cool. Or what's that? Or just ask about something about
her, you know, what's that book you're reading?
Well, I'm trying to put it in context of like a school type of situation. So it's
not completely at a left field.
You know what you're good at starting the car, getting in, right? Hey, what's
that book you're reading? And then, then she's got to be like, um, uh, fucking
Harry Potter. And then you're like, yeah.
I saw that movie. That's pretty, pretty cool. Oh God. I'm the worst.
And then your face turns all red. Well, the thing about it is too, is we're
talking about teenagers here. So I don't know that this is, this is fucking
creepy.
Yeah. We're a long ways away from being like in high school. So I can't even
like go back there mentally to figure out how a boy that age would talk to a
girl. I have no idea.
Cause I, I can't, I can't remember anything previous to insult her a little bit.
Like that's, that's how I always hit on negging.
Is that what it's called? Yeah. The old tearing them down. No, not tearing them
down, but just giving them shit in a funny way.
Yeah. Well, that's all. Yeah. That can be cute for sure. T is like a playful
teasing.
Yeah. But it's like, you got to know the person well enough to do that. You
know what I mean? It's like, if it's some girl that he's, hasn't talked to in
like three years.
And all of a sudden he's like, yeah, if we'll get blah, blah, blah. And like,
she's going to be like, what? Who's that?
Yeah. No, no, no, no.
Who was that? That's the worst.
I've learned all these lessons.
Who was that?
Did I ever tell you that I ever tell you?
I feel like it's less about, here's my, here's my final thought on it. I think
it's less about, oh, shut up. I think it's less about how do I get the girls to
like me?
Did I tell you to shut up?
Yeah, I did.
Why'd you tell me to shut up?
Because your face was saying things.
No, because, no.
I didn't like what your face was saying to me. So I told her to shut up.
I'm going to, I'm going to tell you what my, I was imitating a woman's face
when I said something to her one time. That was the face she made at me.
What do you mean? What did you say?
Uh, you know, I was in between relationships.
You remember, just spit it out.
No, because it's embarrassing. I was in between relationships and all these
comics were just like, dude, just, you know, just fucking say it.
And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And just stay single and just bang a bunch of broads and blah, blah, blah, blah.
So I tried to be that guy.
So, and it was sort of working for me.
And then I just, one night it just completely backfrored.
I was at Dangerfield and this woman came up to me and told me how much she
liked my, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I started the small talk and everything.
And then I tried to be, you know, leather jacket guy.
I said, hey, you want to just cut through the bullshit?
I mean, I live right up the street.
If you want to come.
And she goes, she just went like, what?
No, no.
And she slowly backed away.
And I was like, I fucking, it took me six.
You blew it, BB.
You blew it.
There was nothing to blow.
It was just fucking, it wasn't even there.
There was no situation.
I completely, I mis