Name: Bill Burr & Jason Lawhead - Advice: Morbid Obesity
Uploaded: 2014-09-15T10:36:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Jason Lawhead - Advice: Morbid Obesity' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-09-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Jason Lawhead - Advice: Morbid Obesity' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-09-15. Transcript available.

All right, morbid obesity.
Dear badass Billy Burr, I guess I'm supposed to give you a nickname.
Yeah, we're running out here, people.
You guys don't have to do that.
My brother's been dating a morbidly obese girl for two years now.
My parents are disgusted by this.
Oh, Jesus, this is brutal.
This is brutal already.
My mother actually cried when she first met her.
Jesus Christ, dude.
And I get shit for fat shaming?
Look at her!
She can't even fit in the house!
I thought I raised you better!
Oh, yeah, sit on that and break that!
Holy shit, dude.
That's fucking brutal.
More importantly, her health is clearly in great danger.
At her weight, it's likely she doesn't get to 40.
My brother's 120 pounds.
She's at least twice his weight.
I'd even say near 300 pounds.
What's a good way to convey the fact that if no one steps in,
with the harsh reality, she's going to have a short life.
Also, she routinely stumbles out of a cheesecake factory.
Oh, Jesus Christ, dude.
That's fucking brutal.
First of all, I feel bad for her.
I hope she loses the weight.
Because I get shit on this podcast, Jay,
because I make fun of fat people the way I make fun of a lot of shit.
Everything.
And everybody thinks that, like, you know, they don't think that,
but they say that, I've been joking saying fat shaming works
because I do it to myself and all of that type of crap.
Look at me, right?
I fat shamed myself at the beginning of the year
because I saw a picture of us at the Rose Bowl.
And I was like, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Yeah, you just go, look at my fucking head.
I mean, I don't know why.
I just don't get how more people don't shame themselves into,
like, shaming themselves into getting lighter.
Well, dude, you at one point were pushing 200 pounds.
Yeah.
And you went to the doctor,
and the guy said that 30 pounds overweight is obese.
Yeah, he was like, technically, I could write you into obese.
That's why I was living in San Diego,
and I was just like, still had a real job
and was doing comedy coming up.
And, you know, I had health insurance.
So he was like, listen, I, with the job,
and he's like, I could technically, with your height,
with your weight, you could be obese,
but I'm not going to write that in
because it could affect your insurance, you know.
Yeah.
Right?
So he goes, just get, what do you do?
And I told, I was, that's when I was drinking a lot of soda.
I mean, tons of it.
Right.
And that's what, if there's people out there,
I'm telling you, drop that.
If you're, you know what,
you know why she's waddling out of a cheese cane factory?
Because she had three freaking sodas
on top of whatever else she had, I bet.
And the diet's the worst.
He said, my doctor looked at me and said,
the word diet is the biggest travesty
that the Food and Drug Administration allows
because it doesn't mean anything.
Anything's a diet.
If you eat a cow, that's your diet.
Right.
I mean, a diet Coke just doesn't mean
that it's any better for you.
It ain't going to make you,
it ain't going to make you lose weight.
Right.
It's going to make you gain weight.
So that's the one thing.
So you cut out soda or pop, as you guys call it.
Pop.
I got off pop.
I was drinking like, he was like,
geez, how many are you drinking?
I was like, I was on a diet Dr. Peppers, man.
I was knocking back like three, four a day.
And then when I would go golfing,
I would knock down, you know, six per nine.
I'd have like, you know, a classic cup.
I'd go through six, seven, eight,
10 diet Dr. Peppers on a golf course.
I thought I was refreshing myself, you know,
and it's diet and it tastes good.
I love that Dr. Matt.
I was like, okay, it's diet.
And then when I quit that March 10th, March 1st, 2010,
I've only had like ginger ale and club soda.
I've never had like the high fructose and the colas
and any of that sugary shit.
It's been.
Yeah.
And you took it all off.
And then, so what?
I just put a bunch on, uh, like over the fall.
Cause I was just enjoying it.
You know what I mean?
Like we were, you know, we had a cooking a lot, the holidays.
I had that holiday party, the Rose bowl.
I mean, my birthday's on October 30th, right?
So once my birthday hits, this will be the first time.
Halloween candy the next day.
Halloween candy.
And it goes, it doesn't stop.
It goes right into Thanksgiving.
And then before I know it, I'm a week after new year's
and I'm 30 pounds heavier than I was.
I love that you acknowledge Halloween candy.
Like you're still trick or treating.
Oh, I mean my whole, my whole childhood,
I was born the day before Halloween is just a weekend apart.
And then when I turned old enough to drink,
this will be because I quit the drinking this year for an experiment.
This will be, I'm going to turn 42 in October 30th.
And this will be the first time I have not had alcohol on my birthday
since I was 19.
And I'm not going to do it.
I'm not going to do it this year.
I'm going to just, I'm going to live.
I'm going to walk.
I'm going to walk through the day of my birthday and go, wow.
Basically 23 years of straight partying.
Cause it's always been a party.
It's been like the Lord's birthday and his Halloween.
We can mix them together.
There's been days.
I don't even know.
I was amazed though.
I don't even remember most of my birthdays in the 20s.
My friends, we were just, it was a Halloween week.
I was dressed up, just fucking just plowed.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
I mean, I, well, do you know what amazed me?
Was you, you, you were on the wagon from Rose bowl right up till we did the,
the, the Vegas thing.
I made though.
Yeah.
But you were, you, so you were like, I'm drinking this weekend and I'm going
right
back to being on the wagon, which is what I said.
And you were able to do it.
I haven't, I haven't been able to do it.
I just got, you had a nice like, but you had that part of the year for you was
like,
you just finished a special, you know, you, you knew you were coming with black
and white
was coming out.
You had a lot of, there was a lot of reasons for you just not to, you've been
good for,
I mean, since you started that quit one year, a couple of years ago, you've
been, you've
been able to go and get nice little stretches in.
I haven't been able to do that.
I'm a very streaky player.
Let me tell you something.
The longest I've gone without drinking on this last run was, I think I had just
had a real
bad flu for like eight or nine days that I didn't drink.
And then this has been the longest of my life.
I mean, this has been since, since I was a teenager.
Now you've drank like basically three days this whole year, four days, right?
Yeah.
Three days, three days this whole year.
That's awesome, man.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's awesome.
I wish I, I'm not going to have another drink.
I think until the Rose bowl, I think that's, I got those fucking Miller
highlights.
I just have like one a day.
Yeah.
But that's not, you know, but you know what it is.
It's right after you have it right.
Right after you have that first one.
Yeah.
But the thing is, if you just wait five minutes, you just drink a water.
If you force yourself to just grab a water or whatever, your body like stops
craving
it and you level out and you actually just had that one and you're able to do
it.
But the, the, the, the thing is with food and all of that shit,
for the longest time, I was like, it's not a drug.
It's not drug.
It is.
Yeah.
It is.
It's like, whatever you just ate, you want fucking, if it's bad for you, that's
how you
know it's bad for you.
Cause you just ate it.
Now you want more, which doesn't make any sense because we eat a salad.
You never think like, Oh dude, I want another salad.
You don't.
But later on, if you're hungry, you're thinking salad, vegetables, but you're
not thinking like
shit food.
But like, if you eat, I've just found if I eat like, if I eat an apple or
whatever, I
don't crave another apple.
If I eat a handful of chips, cookies, alcohol, soda, any of that shit.
That's bad.
Salt or sugar.
You just like, you fuck.
It's like, you're fiending for it.
Sugar.
I mean, that's why people are fat.
They can't get off the sugar.
And when you can get off the sugar and you can take it out and the only sugar
you get is
the naturals, like the fruits and the vegetable sugars, the natural sugars,
your body isn't
looking at food.
Like, Oh my God, I want that.
Your body tells you when it wants food.
So then what, what does he tell this, this tells her to get off the sugar and
it's going
to take a month and it's going to be salt, but definitely sugar first.
Get off the sugar because sugar, you have to match it.
If you drink colas and if you eat lots of bread and pastas, that's tons of
sugar in there
and your body has to match that.
It wants more sugar.
So if you drink a bunch of Coke, then it wants the sugar food.
So when this woman walks in, if you were in the house and you got a yellow,
like, Oh my
gosh, she's even fatter, you're going to be in the back.
I go, Hey, get off the sugar.
Yeah.
Get off.
I will get in her face and be like, get off the sugar.
Wipe it out of your thing.
Turn your hat around backwards.
Put the whistle in my mouth.
Listen, kick dirt over a cake.
That's hilarious.
What the fuck are you looking at out there?
That's fucking great.
It's been all day with this shit.
It's hilarious.
No, I mean, that's the, you came in here for one reason.
And what was that?
To eat all of our cake.
That's an Earl Weaver reference.
You came in here to fuck us.
Fuck us good.
And you got your chance again tomorrow.
No, I did.
No, no, I did.
Yeah, you did.
You'll get your chance again tomorrow.
I love when he says that.
That umpire was so great.
Like, what are you going to do, Earl?
Lose another World Series?
I've won more than I've lost.
Not World Series.
It's games.
He goes, games.
Yeah.