Name: Bill Burr - Bacon And Cheese Has Been Stuffed Into A Crust
Uploaded: 2014-09-15T10:41:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bacon And Cheese Has Been Stuffed Into A Crust' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-09-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bacon And Cheese Has Been Stuffed Into A Crust' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-09-15. Transcript available.

I got to turn this shit around.
A couple weeks ago, I don't know what happened, like two and a half weeks ago,
I had whatever the meal was that sent me back down the road eating bad.
I've been eating bad for two weeks, and the other day I walked by the mirror,
and I knew I'd put on a few, and I just was so fucking disgusted with myself.
You know, and fuck all you assholes out there that say that fat shaming doesn't
work.
You know, it doesn't work.
What it really is is, no, you're fat and you don't want to hear it.
That's what it is.
Whenever I say shit about fat people, it's not in a negative way.
All right?
I'm trying to motivate you.
That's how I motivate myself.
I walk by the mirror, and I look at myself, and I go,
oh, you fucking piece of shit.
Really?
All that fucking work we did?
All those months of work, all those pull-ups, all those push-ups,
all those fucking hikes, and what did you do?
What did you do?
You gave it all away in a week.
That's what kills me about when you're at my age,
is I can negate three months of being at the gym in four meals.
Not four meals, but like in a week.
In a week of just being an asshole.
Everything that I gained, I can just fucking lose.
It's the absolute worst.
So then, if you don't know how to diet, what you do is then you start lifting
weights
and that type of shit, and you keep eating bad,
and all you're doing is you're putting these pecs and biceps on top of the big
belly.
Right?
Roll out the barrel, we'll have a barrel of fun.
Right?
And you just become that guy.
That guy who just keeps lifting weights and keeps eating shit food,
and all you're trying to do is keep your man pecs just a little bit out in
front of your fucking stomach.
And then what do you do?
You start pushing down the fucking pants,
your belt lines fucking digging into your pubes.
So, dude, I'm still a fucking 32-inch waist.
Same jean size I had in high school.
And you just keep pushing it down and pushing it to the point it looks like
somebody yanked your belt
and all the fat went boing up to, yeah, literally, boing, just like that.
It was a bad sound effect.
But you know what I'm saying.
All the way up into your gut, and then it ran into your fucking man pecs that
held it down,
and it's just fucking sitting there.
Caught between a rock and a hard place.
That'd be your pecs in your dick there.
Sorry.
So I'm trying to avoid that.
That's the hardest fucking thing is to lose weight and not lose muscle.
And fuck all you guys who are going to come at me with your GNC chemicals.
All right?
And talking about protein the size of your hand.
I've heard all of it.
I've heard all of it.
All right?
But what are you supposed to do when that fucking redneck comes on TV and says,
I got big news.
They've now put bacon and fucking cheese in the crust.
Whatever the fuck he said.
I actually retweeted the quote.
Why don't I look it up?
This is how fucked up it is, right?
And this guy's just sitting there.
I got big news.
I got big news, people.
You know, people who maybe are in between jobs and can't afford quality food.
Rather than encouraging you to go out and get an apple or a banana.
You know what I'm going to say?
I'm going to say, where the fuck is the thing?
I've got to find my tweet here.
I've got to find my fucking Twitter.
Ah, Jesus.
Where the fuck is it?
I apologize.
You know, I have big news.
Bacon and cheese have been stuffed into a crust.
That's what this guy says as he sits in his fuck.
Do you think that fucking cunt is eating?
Maybe he's eating a little bit of it.
He is from the South, and I'll tell you, he don't know no better.
I'll tell you what.
The only thing better than that greasy Italian food is if you shove a little
bacon and grease in the crust.
There you go.
Did you like that joke?
I attacked two fucking people.
Actually, I really was just making fun of Southerners, right?
I don't know.
Anyways, and he's just sitting there collecting the money,
basically sitting in the guard tower.
As all of us fucking march in to fucking eat that poison.
How do you do that in good conscience?
How can you sit there as a country singer?
All right?
All about your family values and supporting the troops and denying global
warming.
How can you sit there?
Cross your fucking wrangler jeans with your shit kicking boots on.
And say to America, I have big news.
Bacon and cheese have been stuffed into a crust.
You motherfucker.
You know what was stuffed into a duffel bag?
A bunch of fucking cash for you to go out and buy some more.
Go band it.
Right?
And go get a replica of the fucking Dukes of Hazzard car.
While everybody else goes in and they add to their fucking man tits.
How dare you?
You already quit on your fucking music career.
The second you got in that Lazy Boy where you spin around and face the crowd.
Then you come back around and tell somebody from a warehouse that they got a
shot.
Whatever fucking, whatever that show is.