Name: Bill Burr - Dick And Ball Story
Uploaded: 2014-10-07T00:49:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Dick And Ball Story' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-10-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Dick And Ball Story' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-10-07. Transcript available.

but then i go out and i go do my show smoke a cigar and one of the greatest
things you can do
after you smoke a cigar is besides take a fucking shower and gargle with mouthwash
for an hour
you're still going to wake up with that taste in the back of your throat so if
you have access to
a steam shower you go down you take a steam you take a steam and you fucking
sweat out all the
impurities and um and then you you're good to go you go out you fucking jump in
a cold shower
a lot of people don't know how to take a fucking steam you know they fucking go
into the steam
sweat their fucking nuts off and then they walk out and they stand there oh god
it's hot as shit
and they just stand there and then they fucking go back in and then they come
back out and then they
go i got one more session i mean they fucking go back in again morons fucking
morons all right this
is how you take a steam you just stay in there for like 10 minutes that's all
you need and as you're
in there for 10 minutes be wiping the the fucking sweat off of you your body is
is when you sweat
it's releasing toxins your skin is like a sponge if you let it sit there on you
okay you're gonna
fucking reabsorb some of it as you're sitting there in the fucking steam shower
these fucking guys do
that then you're supposed to walk out of the steam shower and immediately walk
in and take an ice cold
shower immediately so your pores stay closed and you wash off as much of the
fucking toxins that
you sweat it out as possible and you will feel like a fucking million bucks all
right and all you
need to do is just be in the water the ice cold water for like you know
whatever five six seconds
however long it takes you to fucking hose off your body and then you can turn
it on to an acceptable
temperature and then you're good to go and you always wear flip-flops so you
don't get fucking
planter's warts or athlete's foot or any other fucking awful bacteria that's
that's that's in the
goddamn you know thing there right so um anyways the fucking uh
what was i gonna say so if we fucking go there there's i i walk in i'm with lawhead
and i walk
in to see if there's anybody in the steam shower and i walk and there's the uh
the sauna which is
just the dry heat and i look in there and there is this asian dude completely
fucking naked
okay he had the decency to put his arm in front of his junk as i walked by kind
of like burt reynolds
when he did the fucking uh the playgirl whatever the the playgirl centerfold or
whatever the fuck he
did um so i'm like oh god a naked asian an asian we got an asian in there lawhead
and he's like and
we're just sitting i mean he's sitting there butt-ass naked on the fucking seat
that someone else has to
sit on it's fucking unbelievable so me and lawhead you know because i was
walking in to make sure that
the steam was on uh so then we fucking come walking back in and as we walk back
in the the naked asian
the nation there is he had gone into the shower he knew to take the cold shower
and he just comes
walking out completely fucking naked all right so i'm laughing there's always
the fucking
naked guy all right so then i uh i opened the sauna and no no no i fucked up as
as we go that's right
then we go back to the lockers we change now we're walking back in we're
laughing about the naked asian
dude and right as we go to turn the fucking corner to go into the sauna like
the fucking truman show
four people walk in front of us and go right into the sauna there's this little
fuck i mean the steam
room it's this little ass fucking steam room and they all fucking go in there
and i'm thinking oh man maybe
maybe there'll be enough room and i open the door and they're all just fucking
sitting there it's just
a nice guy packed house whatever these guys will just be in here for 10 minutes
so me and lawhead go
back and we're just sitting there and we're laughing about the naked asian dude
right
um long story short these fucking jerk offs are in this goddamn
uh steam room and they're doing that shit where they're coming out so fucking
hot and then drinking
water letting it all reabsorb and they're just going back in they're in there
for like a fucking
half hour so finally me and lawhead are like fuck we got to go and like you
know we want to go watch
the football what the fuck are we going to do you know what are our options you
got all fucking 20 sweaty
ball guys in there or we go in with the nation in in in the sauna so we say
well the naked asian guy
had left at least we thought he did so then we go into the sauna and who comes
fucking walking back
the naked asian but now he's got a fucking towel on now he sits down me and jay
are fucking wearing
towels thank god generally speaking they come from a polite culture so he
leaves his towel on so i'm
thinking all right we're good here we're fucking good here and i'm sitting
there and the sauna the
the sauna isn't hot enough so the door hasn't clouded up so we're just sitting
there we can see right
out the door and all of a sudden this other naked guy completely fucking naked
comes walking
out of the fucking the steam thing just butt ass naked and is standing there
like fucking will
ferrell in old school at the water fountain bending over getting a goddamn
drink and me and jay are just
laughing our asses off staring down at the floor going what the fuck is going
on and then the naked
asian guy crosses his fucking legs and starts cracking his toes in the ungodly
silence in this fucking sauna
it's this fucking will ferrell asses in front of us we're just like i can't
fucking believe right
so then we're sitting there and we got this like i said the window isn't fogged
up then this fucking
world war ii vet comes walking by completely fucking naked you know the
greatest generation they never
put a towel on he comes fucking walking by old man balls and dick and
everything and we at this point
we're just fucking what does nothing do to just start laughing and another guy
comes walking and
he has a robe on another tub of shit and he goes into the song he goes into the
steam and finally we're
like look if we just don't fucking walk in there we're never going to be able
to take a steam and i
fucking hate a sauna i don't like the dry heat i like the other thing so we
finally come walking in
there all right and as i walk in i see a place where i can sit down this is all
fogged up and i see out of the
corner of my eye there's someone else sitting there no towel on dick and balls
hanging out
so i go to shoot the guy a dirty look and who is it it's the naked asian i
thought he left he didn't
he left got in the shower and then fucking went back in there fucking nightmare
so then we're sitting
in there all right the will ferrell naked dude two fat fucks and the naked asian
and me and jay
lawhead is sitting in there right and the football guys now they're running
their yaps
totally killing any sort of relaxing just sort of chilling out anyways relax as
you can be with
fucking you know naked guys all around you and they're sitting there they you
know former athletes
talking about sports and some sort of benefit that they would do it oh man arizona
was unbelievable
it's just hookers everywhere people drinking blah blah blah blah kids guys
telling the story
it was some sort of benefit for kids and in the end he goes you know but it's
all about the kids
it's all about the kids fucking jerk off starts the story talking about hookers
um anyways long story
short it finally ends up just being the two of us in there and we're just
laughing our covered balls off
i i've never seen i've never seen it like that ever look like if you go to any
sort of fucking gym any
sort of locker room there's going to be the naked guy the guy just standing
there
right and for you ladies out there you'd probably think that well it's got to
be the well-endowed
guy showing off his fucking goddamn mule right it it usually isn't it's usually
just fucking some
average guy regular old fucking user-friendly dick just standing there you know
like the kind of package
that they always make when they're like sculptors make you know they never make
like a fucking huge
dick statue they don't they just draw a regular old dick that's what it usually
is and there's usually
one of them and you just sit there going out there's always one why the fuck
does he fucking not notice
he's the only fucking naked dude in here for christ sake cover yourself right
but there's always that one
guy unless you go to the ymca then there's usually about three because there's
older people there i never
seen a fucking dick and ball display like this in my life i'm fucking believable
we were joking we
were waiting for what's his face uncle milty to come walking in
um anyways so that's the dick and ball story