Name: Bill Burr - Bankrupt State
Uploaded: 2014-10-14T14:39:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bankrupt State' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-10-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bankrupt State' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-10-14. Transcript available.

Do you know this weekend I went out and I did a show at the Spotlight 29 Casino
with Let There Be Talk's Dean Del Rey of the Let There Be Talk podcast and Joe
Bartnick, Rose Bowl legend and host of the Puck Off podcast.
And are the peas popping?
I got to turn this fucking volume down here.
Anyways, the we went out there, we had a great time, but we were on our way out
there and we're on the highway and I'm thinking, all right, there's fucking
three of us here.
We can use the the carpool lane.
And recently I've been getting these tickets for riding.
I don't know what going through tolls and not paying.
And I'm like, where the hell was that?
There's pictures of my car and shit and I'm on the highway.
I had no idea what it was.
And I was riding out with those guys and they finally explained what it was.
They said that a private group bought up a section of the of the highway out
here in Los Angeles and.
They own it.
And when you use it.
You got to pay them money.
You got to give them toll money and all that type of shit.
And that was really scary to me.
Because if they were going to do that, why wouldn't the state just do it?
Why wouldn't they just say, well, fuck it, we'll just do it and we'll collect
that money.
God knows we could use it.
Right.
But instead, they sold it off to somebody.
So what that says to me is this state is so fucking bankrupt.
They don't even have time.
To just, you know.
Just collect money on roads that they already own.
They have to sell off like a giant section of a highway.
Who's that group that owns the giant section of the highway and how the fuck do
I get involved in that's that that business?
I'll parachute right out of here.
I'll never I'll do like fucking a podcast seven days a goddamn week.
I'll never go on the road again.
Won't tell any jokes.
And you guys can just listen to me slowly slip into madness.
Do you realize how fucking that's one of the greatest investments of all time?
I own a stripper like I own five miles of a fucking highway outside one of the
most populated cities ever where there's no public transportation for the most
part.
Everybody's in a car.
And every time they go up through that fucking thing, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Forty five cents, forty five cents, forty five cents, forty five cents.
And I'm sitting here on my fucking couch.
Just sitting here with a bag of pretzels and a fucking Miller High Life.
Right.
Just sitting here.
Forty five cents, forty five cents, forty five cents, forty five cents.
It's the greatest fucking thing ever.
Oh, and I know what you do.
What about the overhead?
What about it?
It's already fucking made.
When do you have to pave it?
Once every four or five years?
If that.
I remember back in the day, the mass bike.
The whole time I was there, they paved that thing one time.
I don't know what it is.
Whatever, whatever, man.
Who gives a how much could that fuck?
Well, shit, that could cost a lot of money.
Wait a minute.
I know if you do any sort of driveway, they always come in.
I'm going to be about 20 grand.
Is it?
All right.
More like three.
That could get expensive.
I guess that could get expensive.
But, dude, I'm telling you, that is the move.
If you can somehow get in with the people that are going to start buying up the
fucking roads over here.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
I would be such an obnoxious ass if I was making money like that.
I'd start wearing wife beaters and I'd have a fucking gold piece hanging around
my neck that just said 45 cents.
45 cents, 45 cents, 45 cents.
All right.
And still, we just go fucking nuts thinking about it.
Being like that guy.
Pick up the papers.
Pick up the papers.
Hey, Bill, what do you want for lunch?
Let me get a roast beef sandwich.
45 cents, 45 cents.
Yeah, he's a little weird.
He's a little weird.
But don't worry, dude.
He's fucking paying for the whole lunch.
You know, he just kind of repeats himself a little bit.
So whoever did that, good on you.
And whoever has been in office out here in California,
fuck you, you spineless cunt.
All of you.
How the fuck do you go bankrupt as a goddamn state?
Everybody going to work every day.
You want to talk about 45 cents, 45 cents.
These motherfuckers are getting money from everybody.
You're getting free money.
Free money.
Taxes.
Free money.
Hey, I'm going to go buy a fucking chapeau.
Put it on my big stupid round head.
All right, that'll be $8 plus fucking, you know, whatever.
80 cents tax.
There you go.
You didn't have to do a fucking thing, state government.
Did you?
All you had to do is sit around and wait for me to go out and go buy a fucking
hat.
Free money.
Here you go.
Here you go.
Here you go.
Coming in, big pile of fucking loot and then you blow all of it.
How do you go bankrupt as a state?
Jesus fucking Christ.
Unbelievable.
I don't even want to hear your fucking excuses.
Well, you know, picture that little stretch of five mile hotel.
I mean, the whole highway.
I mean, you got fucking, the highway goes, you know, from San Diego all the way
up.
I'll go fuck yourself.
You know what's in there?
Around all those highways?
A zillion fucking people.
All giving you money.
Every time they go out to go buy themselves, you know, some condoms and a pair
of socks.
You're fucking making money.
You got plenty of goddamn money, but this is what happens.
All right.
The fucking public servants, the people who hold office, they don't make any
money.
They make no fucking money.
I don't know what a senator makes.
I know the president makes four and a grand a fucking year.
Okay.
So if you're governor of Los Angeles, what are you taking down a year?
What?
A hundred grand, a hundred grand to have everybody in the fucking city say that
you're a piece
of shit.
You're fucking everything up, right?
You got to have security so nobody comes up and fucking shanks you every time
you go out
to go get a club sandwich.
And not to mention it costs millions and millions and millions of dollars to
campaign to get
that fucking job.
And in the end, all you get is a hundred grand.
Those guys, they are set up to be bribed.
I, this is what I a hundred percent believe this shit.
So basically you're going for a job.
That's going to get you a hundred grand and you need millions and millions of
dollars to
fucking get the thing.
So now you got to get in bed with all these fat cats that can fucking buy up
the goddamn
highways.
And that's what they do.
Right?
Tell you what, I'll finance your fuck.
Listen to me.
Hey, fucking shut up.
I'm going to fucking, what do you need?
What do you, how much money do you need for this?
Huh?
Eight, seven, nine million.
What the fuck do you need?
All right.
Hey, 20, 40, 60, 80, fucking keep it.
All right.
But all right.
I, you in return, you got to give me, you got to give me 10 miles of the
fucking 10 or
the five.
Let me get the five, all the fucking hippies driving up to San Francisco.
Let me get 10, 10 miles of that.
And I'm not finished.
Let me get 10 miles of that.
And, uh, let's make, uh, let's make it a no fly zone over, uh, Disneyland,
whatever the
fuck they want.
Right.
Then that's what happens or whatever.
You know what?
I'm going to do this job.
I'm going to repay.
I'm going to be the guy who fucking repaves it.
I'm going to donate $2 million to your fucking campaign.
So you can get this job that makes a hundred grand a fucking year.
And maybe eventually get to the white house.
So you get that Marilyn Monroe side pussy.
And then you get to go on the fucking golden parachute million dollar a speech
fucking gig
after you retire.
And in the meantime, um, I want the contract to do this job for the state and I'm
going
to charge you fucking $9 million for a hammer as the old fucking urban legend
goes.
And that's how you go fucking bankrupt.
There you go.
Look at that dummy like me.
That's my theory.
Um, anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast.
As I mentioned, that was a good 10 minutes of horseshit.