Name: Bill Burr - Diseases
Uploaded: 2014-10-29T01:43:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Diseases' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-10-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Diseases' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-10-29. Transcript available.

But I've been doing stand-up during the week, and I've got a big stand-up gig
coming up.
I'm doing the 20th annual Comics Come Home benefit for Cam Neely, the Cam Neely
House, put together by Dennis Leary.
And the always adorable Jimmy Serpico, always adorable.
I challenge you to find a picture of Jim Serpico where he doesn't look
absolutely adorable.
That is an adorable middle-aged man.
I got that coming up, so I've got to make sure I'm on my game because I'm going
to be following a bunch of monsters.
I think I'm going on last, you know?
And that is the deal on those things.
You don't headline one of those.
You go on last because you're going on after all headliners.
So there's not a lot of meat left on the bone, if you know what I mean.
I can't really see myself 10 comics in being able to bring up Ebola, and it's
still a fresh topic, if you know what I mean, right?
That's why I'm doing a bit on the mumps.
Yeah!
The forgotten one.
Dude, I got to be honest with you.
I am so fucking sick of all these diseases grandstanding during sports and
every fucking place you go.
Like, it's all this goddamn...
They're marketing diseases now because they're trying to get your money for
research.
Somewhere in there, I know there's a good thought, like they're trying to cure
the disease,
but there's a lot of Lexuses, Lexuses, being bought off of that money.
You can't tell me that there isn't because I don't give a fuck how much you
give a shit about stopping a disease.
At some point, you want a nice house and you want a nice car.
And if all you do is try to find a cure for that fucking thing, at some point,
you're dipping into the aspirin fund.
Right?
Jesus fucking Christ.
Combination of this and the fucking getting reprimanded when you watch a
football game.
No more.
No more.
No more.
Go fuck yourself.
I'm not hitting anybody.
The fuck off my TV.
You fucking dopes.
What do you think?
There's some wife beater at home who's going to see the commercial and then be
like, oh, okay.
You're just going to erase 20 years of bad parenting with some dumb fucking
commercial with your black shirts on?
It drives me up the fucking wall.
You're talking to me like I'm two years old.
And you're also talking about this major fucking problem as if it's like, you
know,
why don't you just fucking hire one of those planes with the banner across it
and just tell society how the fuck they're supposed to behave?
I'm sure that'll solve something, too.
Yeah, it just fucking drives me nuts.
The whole fucking thing drives me up the fucking wall.
Stand for cancer.
And everybody's standing up with a name of somebody that they had.
All right.
Who doesn't want to stop cancer?
Who doesn't give to it?
Do you got to interrupt a fucking the World Series to remind me that there's
people dying of cancer?
Sports is supposed to be my safe haven.
Maybe Mike Golick was right.
I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean.
That's my Mike Golick.
That's my Mike Golick.
That guy is a stammering jackass.
You know, you know, you're dumb when you have to constantly bring up the smart
school you went to.
Fucking dust.
Obviously, now I can effortlessly segue into the Ebola panic.
All right.
All right.
I'm sitting there watching 60 minutes.
Okay.
And I got all these famous people.
Telling me that they're tired of me beating women.
All these women that I'm not beating.
All right.
I'm watching the World Series.
I'm being reminded that people lose people to cancer every day, which is which
is always nice.
You know, when you're watching the national pastime.
Take me out to the ball game.
Take me out to the crowd.
I just lost my mother to throat cancer.
Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo.
I mean, what the fuck are you doing?
I don't want to see that during the fucking game.
Can we just have like the cancer channel or like the disease channel?
You know, and every once in a while I'll fucking click over there and I'll
write a, you know.
Send in five bucks or whatever the fuck I got to do.
Do you really have to interrupt it?
Am I out of my mind that I think it's unbelievably fucking selfish to do that
to people?
What are the what are the what are the fuck are they going to do next?
You're going to crash some little boy's birthday party.
Happy birthday to no more.
No more.
She fell face first into a birthday cake.
Lady, he's five years old.
Hey, just in case you haven't heard everybody, it's not OK to hit a woman.
Just in case you're a little confused.
Cocaine is bad for you.
Just to let you know, when somebody dies of cancer, there's people that love
them and they miss the person afterwards.
And it's very painful.
Just thought we would remind you that while you're trying to watch the Kansas
City Royals.
And the San Francisco Giants.
So then, you know, as if all of that shit.
This is bread and circus time.
This is mouth breeder time.
And you're coming in here bringing up the horrors of the world.
Right.
So I'm watching the four o'clock game and all they keep doing on CBS is they
keep hyping on 60 minutes that they're going to be talking about three or four
nurses.
Three of which are guys.
Right.
Which means the three ladies that were going to be nurses are now doctors.
Which, as far as I can tell, is three out of four nurses are now men.
And three out of four doctors are now women.
And they're still bitching.
All right.
And don't even tell me my math is off on that because where the fuck were all
the female nurses?
They're nowhere to be found.
Because they bitch moaned and complained to get themselves to hold the scalper
now.
Now, what the fuck are we doing?
We're walking around changing bedpans and you're fucking coming on my football
to tell me not to hit you?
You want to take a bedpan right across your back like wrestling with a steel
chair.
Taking all the doctor jobs.
You women got a lot of nerve.
Anyways.
So what do they do?
They start fucking hyping.
They start hyping that they're going to talk to these four people that were
near an Ebola patient who didn't catch Ebola and how fucking scared they are.
You know, it's funny.
The people actually caught Ebola.
How many have even died?
You know?
You know what Ebola is?
Ebola is the Cincinnati Bengals of diseases.
They started fucking strong.
Everybody thought they were a contender.
Right?
They knocked the ice bucket challenge right off the map.
Everybody was talking about fucking ALS ice bucket challenge.
And in comes Ebola, right?
Like if it was a nightclub.
Ebola comes walking in a little hotter.
Shoes a little whoreier, right?
And everybody starts looking over at that bitch walking into the fucking club.
And then ALS is over there with the ice bucket going, wait a minute.
I'm doing the wet t-shirt thing over here.
You guys don't like this anymore?
Sorry, ALS, there's a better looking whore on the pole.
So now everybody's over here looking at this fucking Ebola shit.
We're going to be fine.
We're going to be fine, everybody.
This is the deal.
Let's just say, let's just say a couple hundred thousand people die of Ebola.
All right?
You know, we have like over 300 million people in this country.
Okay?
So the way I look at it, it's like you've got a giant football team here.
Ebola takes out 200,000 people.
That's like when you make your final cuts in the preseason.
Now we got, we're a little more streamlined.
All right?
Who's getting to do it?
If you get Ebola, you're weak.
You're a weak person.
Okay?
You don't have the intestinal fortitude.
You don't have the mental toughness.
Okay?
To fucking survive in a world of diseases.
Okay?
And when you get Ebola, why don't you have the fucking decency to not go to the
fucking airport?
All right?
Just walk down the street, into the woods, and just bleed out by yourself like
a gentleman.
Why can't you do that?
Is there a reason for that?
That's my question.
I'm going to take college here in 20 minutes.