Name: Bill Burr - Charities
Uploaded: 2014-11-04T16:48:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Charities' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-11-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Charities' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-11-04. Transcript available.

Oh, I did a benefit for pit bulls last night.
It's one of my favorite benefits of the year because I absolutely fucking love
dogs.
And I also showed up and there's all these pit bulls there that need to be
adopted and stuff.
And they're just the best fucking looking.
Like if you drew a dog's face, that's what a pit bull, you know, what their
face looks like.
That is just a fucking dog.
So I went over there and there's all these poor dogs that had their fucking
ears clipped and shit.
You know, they went through all this goddamn pain and they're just sitting
there, you know, they're looking scary because their fucking ears are all cut
up and shit.
So I go over to pet this one, right?
Great fucking dog.
It's one of those dogs where you start petting it, it like leans into you.
It puts all its weight on you.
And I wasn't prepared for that.
And I squatted down like a catcher to pet this thing.
And it just fucking leaned into me and actually knocked me over.
I felt like a fucking asshole.
But, ah, it was crazy.
They had puppies there.
You know, if my dog wasn't such a psycho and wouldn't try to fight another dog
if I brought it in, I would own three of them.
So I just got to ride it out with the crazy dog that I love now.
Give her the best life possible.
But when that chapter is over, I'm going to get a blue nose, a red nose.
I'm going to get an all white one.
And I'm going to get a black one.
I'm going to have four of them.
And even then, that won't be enough.
That's how much I fucking love that breed of dog.
So it was a fucking great time going over there and doing the show.
Actually, I did two shows.
And the first show went great.
And the second show, I don't know what happened.
I think I went out.
I went out too hard.
There was a comic in the room that I wanted to impress.
A comic that I liked when I was starting out.
I mean, I still like them, obviously.
But I tried to fucking, I swear to God, nothing will humble you like fucking
stand-up comedy.
Every time you think you got it down.
You know?
Like, I got this fucking figured out.
What ends up happening?
You know, you go up there and you, I didn't eat my balls.
But I definitely, I munched on them a little bit.
I swear to God, I thought I said, I thought I said it the same funny way.
I went up there and I said, you know what?
I just hope that when it's all said and done, all the money we raise here
tonight, some of it trickles, actually trickles down to the dogs or something
like that.
Because, you know, all these, half of these fucking, these goddamn charities
are total scams.
Just as far as like, you know, the amount of money that goes towards whatever
the hell they're trying to stop versus what they line their pockets with.
I mean, it is a, it's a scam.
Somebody sent me something where, you know, the amount of charities out there
that, that, that they name their charity that almost sounds like the legitimate
charity.
You know, like that, um, that coming to America instead of McDonald's, it's McDowell's.
They do that.
And these fucking pieces of shit will just put a picture of a starving kid or
something like that.
And then you feel bad and you drop some change in there, a couple bucks, and
they just keep it and they go out and they get a house.
All right, we had another glitch with some of the wires here.
The fuck was I talking about?
It'll get better, people.
It'll get better.
If you get down there and get your All Things Comedy $5 fundraiser stickers.
Um, do we even have a website?
Mike, do we even have a website where I'm supposed to tell these people to get
these fucking stickers at?
Yeah, tubestart.com.
Oh, right there.
Go to tubestart.com.
If you'd like to stop hearing delays in this podcast, nah, whatever, we'll
figure it out.
Anyway, so these cunts, they start a, they start a, um, a, uh, what do you call
it?
A charity.
And they name it like another charity that's actually legitimate.
And then they put some, you know, sad puppy's face or, uh, who the fuck knows
what.
And then they make a bunch of money.
Next thing you know, they got a big house sitting by a pool and they don't feel
one ounce of guilt.
They're absolutely, you know what would happen to these people if they actually
did something like that in Singapore?
You know, where it's illegal to spit gum on the sidewalk?
I can't imagine the caning that these people would get.
And they would fucking deserve it, too.
As horrific as a caning video is, um, I actually have a theory, people.
Oh, Billy Gossip is coming with the theory.
I've noticed this year, uh, you know, a lot of stuff came out about a certain
campaign that, uh, that was raising awareness that made everybody wear the, uh,
well, it's not quite a magenta.
Pink, the pink campaign.
A lot of shit came out about that.
A lot of unsavory fucking shit over there about that campaign and about how
much money was being raised and how much was actually being appropriated toward
actually finding a fucking cure for, uh, breast cancer.
And how much was going into, uh, new tiling inside this person's fucking, uh,
Olympic-sized pool.
And also, a lot of shit came out about the NFL and their pink jerseys.
And by a lot of shit, I mean the website I went to in the one article that I
read, um, about, uh, I thought it was a legitimate website.
I mean, it was on the internet, right?
And they were saying that, like, you know, like 95% of the profits from those
jerseys went into the NFL's pockets.
And I think that people were starting to blow whistles and, but the NFL makes
so much fucking money for media giants, ESPN, fucking Fox, and NBC, that they
all kind of squashed it.
And I think that the pink lady and the NFL both made their money and they're
slowly backing off each other and just going to pretend it never fucking
happened.
Because this year, they went from, oh my God, if I see another fucking pink
thing again in my life, um, I'm going to kill myself.
Last year, you couldn't escape it.
I mean, I remember I was in New Orleans working and there was like a, uh, I
went to this casino in the blackjack table.
That was two years ago.
The blackjack table was pink.
It was all fucking over the place.
And now I notice this year, straight across the board, the NFL and everywhere
else, way, way, way the fuck toned down.
Way the fuck toned down.
And I think they're all slowly walking away from, uh, some unsavory shit.
They're just acting like it never happened.
Hey, you know, whatever.
Like that crimes and misdemeanors where somebody got killed but nobody got
caught and you just kind of get over it after a while.
And you just get on with your fucking life.
I think if I had to guess, uh, but then I'm a negative, I'm not a negative
prick.
Uh, I'm a cynical son of a bitch.
And, uh, I think that that's what happened.
Someday that Oprah will make a fucking movie about it.
Right.
The Lifetime Network.
Someone will play the pink lady.
No, Oprah wouldn't do that, right?
That's, that would make women look bad.
She, she's not about that.
If there's a guy, you know what?
They just, they say it was based on real events and then somehow they would
make the reason why the evil woman at the head of the pink campaign did it was
because some guy was verbally abusing her or hit on her when she walked down
the street.
I swear to God, like I would like to start a, you know what the charity you
should do is you just walk up to the person who got injured in the, in the
bombing and you just hand them a bag of cash that insurance companies can't see.
So they don't say that this, well, you're now making this much money.
So this somehow cancels your policy.
We got to somehow come up with something where you just get the money directly
to the wounded warrior, directly to the victim of the, uh, uh, the marathon
bombings, you know, as opposed to these Mary Kay cosmetic fucking cunts who are
standing in between the, the money and the victim, like a fucking, they're
sitting there like a windscreen.
I literally have my arms out right now, acting this out, just catching as much
of the cash as they possibly can.
It's like a filter.
I don't know.
I'm not saying they're all bad, but generally speaking, you know what I mean?
People are fucking people and I, uh, you know, I don't trust them.
I don't fucking trust them.
Is this bad?
I, you know, what's funny is, uh, at some point I, I, I'm hoping to get to the
level in this business that actually somebody will take the time.
to get offended by something that I say.
Although the second show last night.