Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Sex With A Female Coworker
Uploaded: 2014-11-11T15:20:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Sex With A Female Coworker' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-11-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Sex With A Female Coworker' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-11-11. Transcript available.

All right, I've worked at one of the better-known law firms in Los Angeles for
the past decade.
To get right into it, I've been having sex with my female...
Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan!
You never fuck somebody you work with.
What was that from?
Dan, about last night.
Jim Belushi.
Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan!
All right, all right, he's got his dick out at work, everybody.
Gee, what could go wrong?
He's been banging her for about a year now.
Great, so she's probably developed feelings for you, as women do.
Unless you've spaced out the fucks from Christmas party to Christmas party.
What is it? Is it the Santa hat?
Because I want to know.
You're even going to have that fight at some point.
We both stall at our desks until the rest of the office has gone home for the
day,
and then we fuck like savages on the desks or in the break room.
I can guarantee you everybody at work knows you're fucking.
Guarantee-fucking-tee-you.
They can see it in your eyes.
We're all animals.
We can sense things.
The same way I'm standing on stage and the crowd can sense if I mean something
or I don't,
if I'm joking or if I'm not, if I'm in good mood,
they can just sense it as I'm walking to the microphone without even knowing
that they have that skill.
It's a survival thing left over from caveman days.
The same way a crowd can do that to me, everybody at work knows you're fucking.
Anyways, he says, it's been great and I have no complaints.
So here's the thing.
One day about a month ago, our boss came back into the office and caught us mid-act.
All right.
If he takes his dick out, all right, and wants to join.
Now, that's a fucking situation because your job's on the line.
Oh, Jesus.
See, this is why you never take your dick out at work.
You'll fuck her from behind while I get her in the mouth.
Don't look at me when I come.
That was gross.
Sorry.
She told us to go home and that she'd be speaking with us individually the
following day.
Oh, she told you guys to go home.
That's a power move.
This is where it takes a twist.
When I went in to talk with my boss, I was certain I'd be fired.
However, she...
Oh, no.
No.
No.
She closed the blinds, locked the door, hiked up her skirt to reveal she wasn't
wearing underwear,
and told me to perform oral sex on her.
What?
Dude, is this a red shoe diary?
I'm calling bullshit.
I don't know, but how do you stop?
This is like a good summer...
This is a good summer read, everybody.
You know, let's all mentally go to the beach right now like a fucking soccer
mom here.
I assumed I was being blackmailed, but didn't care because I need my job and I
like pussy.
Dude, are you like a fucking caveman?
What is wrong with you?
So it was a win-win.
Let me read back.
Is the boss in there?
I'm confused as to whether the boss is in there or not.
When I went in to talk with my boss, I was certain I'd be fired.
However, she closed the blinds, locked the door.
All right, I guess I have to keep reading here.
The thing is, she didn't stop.
She calls me into her office at least twice a week to go down on her for an
hour.
She says she has security footage of my co-worker and I having sex.
Oh, wait a minute.
I missed out.
Your boss is a woman.
Oh, see, the sexist me assumed you had a male boss.
There you go.
There you go.
I got work to do on myself.
There's another thing.
Wait a minute.
You got to go down on your boss.
She says she has security footage of my co-worker and I having sex in the
office.
Dude, this is a crime.
And that she'll fire us both unless I continue to service her.
So she's got to be old and hard up.
Dude, this is a fucking nightmare.
What's worse?
Dude, this can't be true.
You made this up.
Fuck you.
Trying to get me during the holiday season.
I can't.
Oh, my God.
I can't stop reading this.
What's worse is that my co-worker doesn't know why she hasn't been fired yet.
And I'm afraid to tell her about the deal I have with our boss.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Dude, this is like a bad movie.
If this is actually real, you fucking tell her and then you film her in the
fucking act with you, your boss.
Right?
And then you say, listen, unless you give us both a fucking raise, we'll
fucking, we'll rat you out.
Actually, no.
What you want to do is go to the cops because then, you know, because then you're
both doing it to each other.
And then somehow the state could maybe send you all to jail.
Anyways, he goes, I realize this isn't the worst problem to have.
Then you know what, dude?
I don't have a fucking problem.
If you don't give a fuck, why should I?
My boss isn't exactly unattractive, but not someone I'd approach at a bar or
anything.
Think Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs.
So what do I do?
Should I call her bluff and refuse to continue?
Or should I suck it up, no pun intended, and keep on going?
Also, I should tell, or should I tell my coworker and risk ruining the
relationship or worse, risk getting the word out that I'm basically a whore?
Any help is appreciated.
Thanks and go fuck yourself.
Or come fuck my boss with me.
Yeah, this guy's a jerk off.
You don't give a fuck.
All right.
Look, whenever you get tired of being a man whore, this is what you need to do.
You need to go Mickey Rourke here.
Pulpa Greenwich Village.
You know, you got to get a tape.
You got to come in there wired.
This is a great thing.
Since you're not fucking her, you can come in there wearing a goddamn wire.
And all you got to do is just have her say some incriminating shit.
All right.
And then you get to walk in there, you know, and then you just, you grab her by
her hand.
Because I got a fucking tape.
Tape I took off a dead cop, right?
You give her that fucking speech.
You go out.
You get your hair cut as you're smoking a cigarette while some woman fucking
manicures your nails.
And you come walking in there, Mickey Rourke, Pulpa Greenwich Village.
And you tell the bitch, I'm going to fucking put you in jail.
You give me a raise.
Although I shouldn't, you shouldn't do that because now you've engaged in
criminal activity.
What you need to do is you got to have some fucking self-esteem.
You know what I would do, honestly?
Because if I personally, I wouldn't want any of this to come out.
What I would do is I would get another fucking job.
And then I would just, I would walk away.
I would, I think I would just walk away.
Isn't that funny?
This is the type of fucking thing that if a man was doing it to a woman, it'd
be like,
Oh my God, this needs to stop.
But I guarantee you, most of the women that listened to this thought this was a
funny fucking story.
I guess it is.
It's just because they can't physically fucking don't, like, I guess it's a way
where, the fact, I don't know.
I guess it's that thing, that whole fucking thing that you could literally
force yourself on.
But she's literally forcing you.
What a fucking animal.
Like, I still don't believe that that's true.
But I enjoyed it nonetheless.
Yes.