Name: Bill Burr - What If The Apocalypse Happened
Uploaded: 2014-11-25T14:15:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - What If The Apocalypse Happened' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-11-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - What If The Apocalypse Happened' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-11-25. Transcript available.

Farmer Bill. Hey Bill, let's say the apocalypse goes down. I would take a steak
knife and stick it in my neck and I would hum jingle bells and that's how I
would end it.
He goes, anyways, he goes, you get to that farm and you realize you only have
three crops.
Oh, you get to that farm? What farm? Did I say I was going to have a farm?
Ah, Jesus. I don't even know what you are. You already lost me. Two sentences
in, but I'll keep reading.
What do you grow? You might be living off these three fruits or vegetables for
a while.
So you got to be smart. Also, you need to think about how you might combine
them to change it up a bit.
Thanks and go fuck yourself. First of all, I don't have to do any of that.
I have to answer this fucking question. I resent the fact that you're telling
me that I have to do this when you can't even fucking.
You're writing sentences as bad as I speak, but I'll answer it. I'll answer it.
Um, so I, when I get to that farm and I, and if I could have three crops, what
would I grow?
Let's see here. I'd have two vegetables and a fruit, right?
Would that work out?
I guess I'd have some sort of lettuce.
Well, first of all, the fruit. I like bananas. It's very hard to get sick of
bananas. I could eat a banana every day.
Boom. Banana. Potassium.
No matter what, I'm going to end up getting some sort of scurvy, right?
Maybe I need an orange.
Trying to think of all this shit. What would happen when you get scurvy?
You know what? I can't answer it. I'd have to read up on nutrition.
I didn't know that there was going to be a test this week, everybody.
If I was just going by taste, I would have a banana, uh, some sort of lettuce.
And then what, what's another vegetable that I like?
I don't know. Apples.
Yeah. My, so my vegetables would be, uh, lettuce and apples.
And then the fruit would be a banana.
So there you go.
Now I want to ask everybody who just listened there, like, how excited did you
get
that you thought that I actually thought that an apple was a vegetable?
You know, and it made you feel better about you and your fucking stupid life.
That for, for, for one second you were right and somebody else was wrong.
What does that say about you as a person?
If you didn't actually just hear me say that and then actually feel sad, like,
oh no.
Oh no. He's going to make a fool of himself.
If it actually made you fucking happy, you know,
do you think that I'm going to wish you a happy Thanksgiving?
I hope you fall face first into the gravy.
What do you think about that?
Right in front of your mom.
And when you pick up your fucking half burned up face and you're pulling that
lot off your face, I would just love for you to see the disappointment in our
eyes.
That's what I want for you on this wonderful week for giving.
Thanks.