Name: Bill Burr - Bill's Version Of America's Foreign Policy
Uploaded: 2014-11-25T14:23:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bill's Version Of America's Foreign Policy' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-11-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bill's Version Of America's Foreign Policy' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-11-25. Transcript available.

Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention last week, my Comedians in Cars Getting
Coffee aired last week.
And, you know, I was actually talking to Mr. Seinfeld.
By the way, that was one of the most surreal fucking things I've ever done, to
be sitting there with him, the king.
Nobody did this business better.
Well, I can't say Flip Wilson did it.
Johnny Carson did it.
Well, you just go out.
You hit him.
You hit him hard.
You get your money.
And then you walk away.
All right?
And as they're tugging on your shirt going, hey, hey, you want to try to make a
comeback?
You want to try to do something else so we can just cancel it?
You know, and put a little fucking black stain up against your name.
And they just go, no, you know what?
I'm good.
You enjoy yourself, Hollywood.
I'll see you later.
Flip Wilson did that.
Flip Wilson had his fucking show.
He was smart with his money.
He invested this shit.
And when the show was done, he's like, I'm out.
See you later.
Go fuck yourself.
If you need me, I'll be at home rubbing my balls, watching the game for the
rest of my fucking life.
Right?
Johnny Carson, look what he did.
He ended up owning the show.
He had his own fucking clothing line.
You know?
Long before all those rappers did.
Okay?
They're all ripping off Johnny Carson.
Johnny Carson collection.
Some of the greatest plaid three-piece suits you ever saw in your fucking life.
You can laugh at them.
You can laugh at them.
But you laugh at them.
All right?
You're saying you don't like Anchorman.
If you don't like Anchorman, you're not an American.
And according to some of the people I've seen screaming on TV, that means you
need to get the fuck out of this country.
How dumb is that?
Countries.
You know?
Why can't we all just be happy we're not in the water?
Right?
Can everybody just fucking relax?
Okay, I got shoes.
You got sandals.
How are you?
How's it going?
Great.
You know?
I don't know what that thing is on your head, but you know, you seem to enjoy
it.
You want to come over and have some dinner?
Why can't you just fucking do that?
Why does it always have to be screaming and fucking yelling?
This goddamn ISIS horseshit.
I swear to fucking Christ.
I would love to see them try to fucking defeat Florida.
You know?
Sitting there acting like they're a goddamn problem.
Holy shit.
There's fucking 30,000 people on the other side of the planet that don't like
us.
Well, thank God we're on this side of the planet.
Why don't we just stay over here and figure out how to make our cars run on Legos?
And then what are they going to be mad at?
Huh?
That they got nobody to shoot at?
Fuck them.
Okay?
You know what it is about America?
We're like back in the day.
Like one of those big fucking A&R guys that could actually take a band out of
it, pluck them out of obscurity and give them a hit record.
That's what America does with our foreign policy.
No one would ever have heard of ISIS if it wasn't for us.
If our A&R guys didn't go over there and pluck them out of fucking obscurity,
they'd just be over there, you know, no one would even know.
They'd be like a garage band, you know, blowing up shit over there.
And no one would even fucking hear about them.
All right?
Why don't we walk away?
Tear up their contract and just fucking come home.
Why don't we just come home?
Can we just do, hey, everybody, come on home.
Let's just come home.
Enough already.
You're not going to solve anything over there.
All right?
But we want the stuff in the ground.
I mean, sorry.
We're trying to give them freedom.
Trying to give them freedom.
Oh, come on.
Grow up, okay?
What?
Just come home, okay?
We have beaches over here.
What are you doing over there?
We got oil here.
Anyways, that was my version of what we should do with our foreign policy,
having not read a goddamn thing about it.
As far as I know, ISIS was some sexy broad in the 70s, you know, who was a
rival to Wonder Woman, you know?
Because everybody knows good-looking bitches don't get along.
And the only way two good-looking women get along is it's so they can hate on
other good-looking women and just sit there, you know, with their faces all
fucking scrunched up.
Hey, why does your face age but the rest of your body doesn't?
Or why does your face age faster?
You know that?
Like, you ever see, like, an old stripper?
Their fucking bodies are gorgeous.
And then their face, you're like, oh, man, look at that body.
That body looks 26.
And you look at their face.
Ah, she's 42.
Or me, for instance.
You know what I mean?
Like, if you guys saw me completely fucking naked, you'd be like, wow, man, I
bet that guy's like 31.
And then you see my face, you're like, holy shit.
Let's pick out a plot.
Um, sorry.
You know what?
I'm not sorry.
You deserve that.
You deserve to picture me naked.