Name: Bill Burr & Jason Lawhead - 24 Year Old Virgin
Uploaded: 2014-12-02T14:09:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Jason Lawhead - 24 Year Old Virgin' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-12-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Jason Lawhead - 24 Year Old Virgin' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-12-02. Transcript available.

A 24-year-old virgin, dear Billy Blue Balls, I am a 24-year-old man who has
somehow never pulled the trigger.
I've had plenty of chances, but whether it has been the condom-breaking whiskey
disc, whiskey dick, he's trying to write, or just straight nerves, I've never
been able to pull it off.
I've recently moved into a new apartment, and this fact keeps slapping me in
the face.
I'm having to make up sexual encounters to tell my friends and hope they never
run into that girl and hope it comes up in conversation.
Well, dude, if you're going to make a chick up, don't have it be somebody real.
He said, I set up profiles on plenty of fish in Tinder, but it comes...
These guys are like, this must be... Yeah, he's a young guy, so I don't even
know what the fuck that means.
But I haven't had much luck and don't really want to fuck a bunch of fat chicks.
I almost broke down and got a hooker online. Don't do that.
Called the number, never set an appointment, but the fear of getting in trouble
slash feeling like a loser stopped me.
Plus, dude, you're going to get a disease that way, dude.
You're going to go from having this fucking pristine dick to it's just going to
look like fucking roadkill.
You know, after one at bat, man, you don't want to do that.
You got to ease into the hookers, people.
Anyways, I don't have David Cho, C-H-O-E.
Do you know who that is?
C-H-O-E?
No idea.
Who does he play for, dude?
Never heard of him.
I don't have David Cho type money to go on a traveling whore venture, and I'm
getting sick of failed attempts, whether they are online or in person.
I feel as if it is affecting my confidence with women and my life in general.
I realize that whoever I bang first, I'm going to be awful.
That has influenced who I would approach because I wanted to spare myself the
embarrassment of the potential situation.
What do you think is the best thing to do?
Keep trying to get normal girls or just go on the back page of Hotel Six Spending
Spree?
No.
From one Irish guy from mass to another.
Love the stand-up podcast, and thanks to the advice, go fuck yourself.
I would say you got to get out in front of this, son.
You got to come clean.
Like, you're so ashamed over something you shouldn't be ashamed of that this is
causing you to do something you don't want to do, which is go fuck a hooker.
You don't want to do that.
That's going to be horrific.
You could get arrested.
You could get a disease.
You could get a disease and get arrested.
It could turn out to be a dude.
It could be a zillion fucking things traumatic that could happen for you.
So what I would do is just fucking, you know, so stupid, but just be yourself.
This is you.
You're a 24-year-old virgin.
I don't know why it hasn't happened.
You put it out there.
It's actually a confident fucking move.
Don't tell it to some blabbermouth cunt.
Just approach a woman that you actually are attracted to, like you actually
like who she is.
That's the one you want to be with, okay?
You don't want to be with some fucking, you know, I'm like, what the fuck are
you doing?
You want to use some cunt like that, you know?
You might be go from a virgin to, you know, you get your first murder in there,
you know?
That seems like one of those things.
You're a 24-year-old virgin.
You'd accidentally push her too hard and she'd whack her head.
Oh, my God.
Get up.
Sure, he had a motive.
This guy could never get laid, you know what I mean?
And they bring you in.
The guy's breaking you down.
You never had sex, did you?
Did you?
Took all the other ones out on her, didn't you?
You know what I mean?
Like, yeah.
I want answers.
Exactly.
Yeah, I think be yourself.
But here's the thing is, I think this guy's a little concerned about, like, how
he's going to perform too and what the girls are going to think of him.
So that's why he's thinking he's in the hooker realm.
Like, it's like they're paid not to laugh at me.
You know what I mean?
Like, it's almost like it's sure sex and I can kind of figure my way out.
They're not going to teach you anything either.
They're just going to fucking lay them.
Right, but he's maybe thinking that.
That's why I say the play is you're 24.
If you've got some friends or whatever the story is or wherever you hang out,
you might, like, have a favorite bar or something to do.
Listen, it may sound a little shallow, but I think if it gets you through what
you're going through, which I think I know what you're going through, is, you
know, find out who, like, in your age group, because they are, are, like, the
loose girl.
Like, without being a prostitute, like the chick that's been banging some guys
around the scene for a little bit and not really.
No, I'm serious.
Like, this is a way to get a real person without all that other stuff.
Still kind of be yourself.
You can even excuse.
But he wants to keep the fact that he's a virgin under wraps.
That's fine.
This girl's not going to keep.
You think that girl's going to keep her mouth shut?
No, but you don't even tell her.
You just go into it with a little bit of confidence.
That's why I say do the whore, because she's going to help you figure it out.
She's not going to – she's enough of a kind of a loose girl to just –
So you're saying he just sits in a chair, takes it out, and goes, get on.
So then she fucking – she's got to handle the fucking entry there so he won't
fuck that up.
He just sits – that's what you do.
You go out and you buy a throne at a fucking yard sale, right?
You get one of those biggie crowns, and she comes over, right?
And you just fucking – Herman Munster.
That's who you sound like when you're doing that.
Lilian.
No, no.
Look, this is the first thing I'm going to do.
Stop being so fucking hard on yourself, and it's not that big a deal.
It really isn't that big a deal.
And if you told your friends, you know, if they laugh at you, whatever, guys
break balls.
But they're going to try to help you.
They're going to try to fucking help you out.
But there's always going to be a couple of douchebags.
And who gives a fuck if they go and they say, who cares?
Half the fucking people you know are 24, not even half.
Most of them you're never going to fucking see again.
Exactly.
That's why I'm saying –
Take your dick out.
No, I'm saying that, you know, in a perfect world, Bill, yeah.
You meet a really nice girl.
You are yourself.
Yeah, that's a perfect world.
It's a movie.
It's a movie.
Listen, and you're still 24.
That's going to happen a little later down on the road.
You're going to be an experienced, confident guy, and you're going to meet the
right person.
You're going to be able to really be yourself.
In this instant, to get this thing out of the way, you got to – like you said
before, you said you got to get out in front of this thing.
I say you got to put it behind you in a sense, too, because it's like you got
to be able to pick it up and move on and go to the next, you know –
Have to con them on when you walk into the bar.
Well, I'm just saying.
Next stage of your life, I say find – you know, start finding out, like
hanging out with them a little bit, like cute girls that are just kind of out
there having fun.
They will hold your hand through the fun, man.
I'm telling you.
You won't even have to tell them that you're a virgin.
And guess what?
At the end of the day, you won't have to tell anybody you're a virgin because
you won't be a virgin anymore.
Jay Lawhead, ladies and gentlemen.
Jay Lawhead will be performing at –
The Lorraine Palace Theater, December 27th.
Tickets are online.
If you go to my website, actually, you can go to jasonlawhead.com because the
ticket link is kind of long.
There's a banner at the home page.
You can click on the banner.
It goes right to the site.
We got like a group pack for holiday pack for a little discount.
If you buy, like, you know, a certain amount, but they're $15 at Pete's.
It's going to be a great show.
December 27th, what time?
8 p.m.
8 p.m.
Doors open at 6.30.
Lorraine, Ohio.
Lorraine, Ohio, man.
And it's the release of my debut CD, You've Never Heard of Me, which I'm
excited about putting out and putting that material behind me, too, man.
I am as excited about that show as I am seeing what you're going to cook up
this year at the Rose Bowl.
Yeah.