Name: Bill Burr - Test Driving Cars
Uploaded: 2014-12-08T22:47:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Test Driving Cars' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-12-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Test Driving Cars' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-12-08. Transcript available.

Because, you know, I did this weekend, I actually test drove some fucking cars
and I took out that Mercedes-Benz station wagon, AMG, the biggest fucking sleeper
on the planet.
Dude, this car was the shit.
I'm going to upload some video, right?
The car, like, when you go to park the fucking car, the steering wheel moves
itself, like it has sensors all around the car.
So you put it in reverse and it cuts the wheel automatically and gets you to a
certain point.
You just control the pedals, the gas of the brake.
And then you put it in drive and then it turns it the other way.
You got to see this fucking video.
I went over there with a buddy of mine and test drove a couple of fucking cars.
Dude, this car was so fucking badass.
I'm driving down the hill and there was this fucking smoke show, as they say on
Barstool Sports.
Walking this dog.
And the last time I drove by in a car and a woman locked eyes with me the
entire fucking way before looking away in horror.
I can't even remember.
I think I was in my college years.
I fucking came down in a fucking station wagon.
She should be running the other way.
This car was so fucking badass looking.
She fucking locked eyes with me the whole.
I couldn't believe it.
It's like I went back in time.
Took out one of those and then I took a different one that was like a four-door
coupe.
And dude, that's the fucking car.
That is the car because that is like it's a supercar and you can put a bunch of
people in it.
Either you get the sedan or you get the station wagon.
And Paul Vergey just kept – I kept telling Paul how fucking sick the car was.
And he just kept going, it's just a station wagon.
I just can't get by it.
I was like, Paul, that's what makes it fucking cool.
It's the fact that it is a station wagon and you look like – you think the
person's a nerd and that they got their groceries and a bunch of pacifiers in
there.
And then all of a sudden he fucking takes off from the line and his groceries
and babies are flying out the back fucking window.
That's what makes it fucking cool.
I just can't – I can't get past that.
It's a wagon.
I mean, it's a fucking – it's like Verzi.
That's it right there.
Okay?
You got – you got no style.
Anybody can go out and like a Porsche.
Anybody can like a Corvette.
Anybody can like a Ferrari.
There's no thought process.
You know?
That's why I like watching shows like Gas Monkey Garage.
Right?
Fast and Loud, whatever the fuck it's called.
Gas Monkey Garage.
Oh, I love watching that show.
Not when they take a fucking car that's known to be fast.
I like when they take a fucking, you know, two-door fucking sedan.
Like that time they bought KC's fucking 55 Ford and sold it to my Cuban.
That fucking car was so goddamn cool.
They did that and they did a 1950s Oldsmobile.
Like, I don't know.
To me, that's – I don't know.
Those other cars, right?
The Ferraris and all that.
That's like going on stage as a comedian and telling a dick joke.
It's a fucking layup.
You know people are going to laugh.
You know, I don't know.
I got a lot of German blood in me.
And what I love about Germans is what's funny to me about them is they're
really bad about getting along with other people.
But you give those motherfuckers a station wagon and somehow that thing will go
zero to 60 in 3.6 seconds.
Dude, it's a fucking race car.
You know, station wagons usually have that seat in the back where people face
the other way.
This car doesn't have that.
That's how fast they're trying to get this thing to go because it's a weight
issue.
So they got that thing the fuck out of there.
And that is the first time I ever drove a car, both cars that I drove, and they
have a dual clutch.
And I never thought I would say this, but it just eliminates – like back in
the day, if you got a sports car and it was an automatic, you were the biggest
fucking pussy.
The whole car was ruined.
You know what I mean?
Like if you bought a Corvette and it was an automatic, you're just a douchebag.
Like why would you do that?
The stick shift is so much faster.
You can slow down by downshifting as you're fucking diving into the goddamn
turns, right?
Scaring the shit out of your passengers, right?
But now – I mean I didn't even understand the whole concept of it until like
a week ago.
I started reading up on how that – I was talking about like a week ago, that
whole dual clutch system.
Basically, this is how fucking psychotic in a good way these guys are who
design these cars.
And I guess a dual clutch system has been around since the fucking early 80s.
I just heard about it, which is not surprising because I'm a moron.
But basically, you know when you're driving a car, right?
You're going down the street and you're hearing it going through the gears.
That wham, wham, wham, right?
That little part, you know?
So you're going wham, you're in your seat.
You come off the seat, wham, you're backing him off the seat.
You're coming off the seat because the clutch is basically disengaging with the
engine.
And the engine's still working like a motherfucker.
But for that split second when you're pushing the clutch and it's in neutral,
the engine's working for nothing right now.
That little sliver of that little split second when you go to shift, you're
losing that torque from the engine.
So the dual clutch system eliminates you coming off your seat.
It puts the odd gears on one side of the tranny and the even on the other.
And I don't know how the fuck it switches off the way it does.
But I was driving that car and I'm listening and going through the gears and I
never came off my seat.
And the guy says you can use the paddle shifters if you want, but you'll never
be able to shift faster than the dual clutch.
Dude, you just step on the gas and it's like, just fucking going through the
gears.
It's so completely unnecessary to have when you're driving down the street.
It's so fucking unnecessary to have when you're just driving around civilians
that you got to have one.
Does that make any sense?
I am completely sold on those cars and I'm glad I went shopping around and all
of that type of shit.
So now I just got to, I got to save up to get one, which is why I'm touring all
through Australia, New Zealand, into Asia before.
Dude, I'm, I'm so fucking psyched for that tour.
I am going to lay waste to that land down there.
I am so chomping at the fucking bit to, to fucking do standup right now.
And I got all these goddamn ideas that I want to work out.