Name: Bill Burr & Nia - Email: Fireman, Vegetarian, And Death
Uploaded: 2014-12-16T02:44:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Email: Fireman, Vegetarian, And Death' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-12-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Email: Fireman, Vegetarian, And Death' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-12-16. Transcript available.

All right, firemen. Oh, I asked some firemen to write in, you know, about some
shit that they found in a fire and they actually kept it.
Oh, really? Yeah.
They're not going to tell you what they kept, though.
Why? This is all anonymous.
How?
Hey, big bad bill. My father was a fireman for over 20 years. One morning he
came home and handed me a Ren and Stimpy shirt.
Oh, my God. That's funny.
Because he knew I liked him.
Ren and Stimpy. You idiot.
Stimpy, you idiot.
Stimpy, you idiot. You don't deserve to live.
I didn't put it together right away that he had taken it from a job.
He couldn't even buy his kid a simple Ren and Stimpy shirt. He had to steal it
from a fire. I'm sorry.
Your dad was a lovely man. I'm sorry. I don't mean to diss your dad, but that's
just funny.
Of all things, to give your kid a T-shirt from a fire and not like...
I feel like he earned it. He put his life on the line.
Not like a bike that was managed to be spared or something like that, but a T-shirt.
That is kind of weak.
You know, it smelled like fucking soot.
Oh, God.
Probably had like little holes in it from Ambers landing on it.
Here you go, kid. Who loves you?
He goes, I didn't put it together right away.
He had taken it from a job.
But when I did, I felt so horrible thinking that someone's entire life
disappeared in a fire.
And now I had one of their only surviving possessions.
I hadn't thought of that shirt in a long time until you brought that up.
On an unrelated note, check out the book, Meat is for Pussies by John Joseph.
You always make comments that sound like you could be persuaded to try
vegetarianism.
I would if I could just get myself into like learning how to cook it.
And I just, I bought like...
You know how to cook it.
You know how to cook every vegetable.
You know how to cook grains.
You know how to cook beans and rice and all that kind of stuff.
You know how to do all that.
I'm a crabby old man.
I mean, I know what to do with the pork chop.
I don't know what to do with fucking eggplant.
No, there are certain foods you like to cook more than others.
Like, you like to make braised short ribs.
You like to make pie.
You like to make pumpkin bread.
So these are the things that you make.
Yeah, I do.
So it's not like you can't cook.
Lasagna.
I think this book might help you take the final step.
The author is a nut who has been singing for a great punk band for the last 30
years.
But he's in killer shape and breaks it down in all sorts of conversation.
I'm all over this.
Conversational English.
It's not boring, hippy-dippy, commu pamphlet.
It shows all sorts of athletes and fighters who are shredded without using any
animal products.
I've been a vegetarian for 23 years, so it didn't convert me.
But it served as a great source for rebuttals when insecure meat eaters go
after me for eating rabbit food
and say other dumb things because my eating habits remind them of how shitty
their diet is.
It's worth checking out.
Love the podcast.
Keep up the great work.
Go fuck yourself.
P.S.
Stop cutting yourself off short.
When you talk drums music, I sit through hours of you talking sports, which I
still find entertaining, but I don't give a shit about.
But every time you get nerdy about drumming, which I love, you say, oh, this is
boring, everyone, and move on.
Please stop doing that.
I would rather hear you spend a half hour talking about John Bonham's right
foot than some jerk-off, overpaid meathead's throwing arm.
Oh, my God, amazing.
Oh, my God, amazing.
I suspect that there are others who agree with me.
Yeah, that's a solid point.
Yeah, guys in station wagons driving to the fucking gig.
Who don't eat meat.
No.
I think vegetarianism is cool, though.
There's some really ... I would be completely satisfied.
You know what I love about if I ate a total vegetarian meal?
I don't choose to because I like meat, but I wouldn't be mad if that's all I
have to be.
You know what's great about eating vegetarian, a healthy way of eating
vegetarian, is you can eat, you don't get fat, and then you don't have to worry,
oh, God, I'm going to start working out like me right now.
I got to fucking ...
But there are some fat vegetarians, though.
Yeah, those are the ones who don't read up on it.
They just stop eating meat, and they eat fucking chips, cookies, and pasta, and
bread.
Right.
I'm a vegetarian.
I can eat that.
It's like, dude, which chin just said that?
So, no, I would like to do that.
Like, I would like to try to ... Just as you get older, it's harder and harder
to fucking stay in shape, and I just don't want to look like a fucking ... You
start getting that fucking torso that cops usually find floating in a lake.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, all bloated.
That's because it's been in a lake.
Yeah, that's because you're ... No, it's because you're dead.
It's because you're dead in the bacteria in your gut.
Oh, God.
It's already there, Nia.
All right, all right.
The fact, when you die someday, the bacteria that's going to eat you up ...
You are so morbid.
Why are you talking about that?
It's in there.
It's fascinating.
No, it isn't.
And it sits in there your whole life.
No, it's nature.
It's what the fuck's supposed to happen.
You have the strangest interest.
What's supposed to happen, Nia?
Mm-hmm.
Okay, these fucking jerk-offs who get buried and you get stuck in a ...
These fucking jerk-offs who get buried, right?
Don't blame them.
They're dead.
And they get buried and they get shoved in a drawer in the basement of a church.
Uh-huh.
Those people, it's the biggest fucking waste of ... It's stupid.
Your fertilizer.
Does it put you in the ground instead of being in one of those mausoleums?
The whole fucking thing.
It's a circle.
You just go, okay?
You're alive.
Why do they decide to put people in those instead of in the ground?
Because it's like fancier and you're better than normal people who just got
thrown in the ground?
Yeah, you can't be worm food.
That's weird.
You have to be like ...
No, man.
There's something cool about just fucking ...
Just being right away.
You're gone.
Dust.
Boom.
Over.
Get out of here.
Beat it.
Yeah, it's fucking sitting there with your dumb headstone.
So people can come up to with Jack Daniels and fucking put their arm around it.
It's you, man.
He's not there.
She's not there.
They're fucking there.
They're in the air.
You can stay at home and do that.
You are just like crazy philosophical tonight.
Philosophical or stupid?
Both.
I know.
One or the other.
Well, all right.