Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Dating Friend's Sister
Uploaded: 2014-12-23T01:48:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Dating Friend's Sister' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-12-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Dating Friend's Sister' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-12-23. Transcript available.

I thought we didn't have enough questions this week, so occasionally I'll dip
into my other fucking account here to see what we got.
Come on, you old-ass fucking computer.
So fucking slow here.
All right.
Dear Billy Costanza, recently—what is that, Jason Alexander fucking—because
I'm bald and I yell.
Recently, I was in Boston for work and decided to visit a good old friend of
mine from back in the day.
While I was visiting, I happened to run into his younger sister, who was my age.
Nothing creepy.
Oh, jeez.
In high school, I was the bad boy class clown.
Ah, gee, what were you in, grease?
Fucking jerk-off?
I just pictured you in a leather jacket.
I'll go grease loudly and fucking—
I loved all those singing jerk-offs like the people thought that they fucking
built that car.
They were in the glee club.
All right?
It's the burnouts.
The burnouts down the hall and fucking wood shop and the power mechanics.
They could do something like that.
Anyways, and she was the—you know, I've never seen grease.
I've never seen it.
Whenever I turn it on, they're always racing in the L.A. River.
And I think one time I saw the ending.
But, uh, never seen it.
But I've seen all of grease, too.
And when I saw it, I enjoyed it.
Um, all right.
Plowing ahead here.
In high school, I was the bad boy class clown, man.
You know me, man.
I was a rebel.
Do you have a raccoon tail hanging from the antenna in your car?
They're fucking shifty.
And she was the nerdy, antisocial, flat-chested type.
I always knew she had a thing for me, but I was too busy chasing all the whores
over there.
Well, Bill, it turns out she's become quite the young lady since then.
Master's degree, great corporate gig, a great rack.
And then he writes, a great rack.
And she happens to be single.
She insisted.
She show me—you know how fucking funny is the way guys look at women?
I wonder if women do that.
They just don't admit it.
You know, turns out, you know, turns out, you know, he's got a strong jaw.
A great job?
A fucking fat pet?
A big wad?
What would you say?
A nice fucking—I'm literally sitting here and fucking acting like I'm
grabbing dick and balls right now,
trying to think of the fucking word.
I don't know what the fuck they would say.
Do you guys ever do that?
Anyways, well, it turns out she became quite the young lady, blah, blah, blah,
and she happens to be single.
She insisted she show me around town all, you know, all the touristy shit.
So we exchanged numbers.
Later that day, when I got back to my hotel, we started texting.
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.
Now we—no big deal.
Just catch up now.
Just catching up.
Okay.
How you been?
How's the family?
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Then we start talking on the phone.
All right.
And pretty soon, your dick's out.
I thought what she had for me in high school was ancient history, but no.
The conversation soon took a turn and got romantic.
And he writes, oh, Jesus.
So we made plans to meet for the next day for lunch.
The next day, hanging out with my buddy, I casually brought up.
If he would have a problem with me dating his sister, he insisted he had no
problem with it.
Hey, you know what, dude?
I thought you were a piece of shit.
There you go.
All right.
Such a weird thing.
I could never ask my friend.
Do you mind if I date your sister?
You mean what?
Do you mind if you fuck my sister?
Yeah, I do.
You better marry her, you son of a bitch.
So he's like, okay, great.
So I take her to lunch.
We do all the touristy stuff.
Then I took her back to her place.
While in the parking lot at her place, she is getting out of my car.
And I go to give her a hug.
Good night.
This is when the hug turned into a kiss.
She got back in my car and we made out.
Really hardcore, Bill.
I was surprised at how aggressive she was being all nerdy as she was.
Why do people think nerdy women don't have needs too?
You know, they're just a little introverted.
All you got to do is give them the green light.
You know, open the fucking door.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Where the hell was I?
I was surprised how aggressive she was.
She asked.
I was surprised how aggressive she was being all nerdy as she was.
But there was something oddly sexy about it.
She asked to ditch her place and go back to my hotel.
Oh, fuck.
Jesus Christ, dude.
Jesus.
So I say, okay, cool.
On the way there, I started having second thoughts.
I thought things might be moving too fast.
I know.
I know.
What a pussy.
No, dude.
It's actually a very fucking...
It's a mature choice there.
If you got other women that you're just banging,
this is not somebody you can just discard.
This is your friend's sister.
You got to run into her again.
You got to go easy on this one.
It's a fucking ticking time bomb.
So anyways, we go back to my room.
Nothing happened.
I cooled it off intentionally.
We had a few drinks, talked, joked around
while she laid on my bed.
This is when I noticed that she laughed
exactly like my buddy, her brother.
Oh, no.
The more she laughed, the more it's bothering me.
Needless to say, that was the end of the night.
A make-out session and a few drinks and some laughs.
So here's my question, Bill.
I think this girl is perfect for me.
She's smart, educated, gorgeous girl,
but how can I get over that laugh?
All I could do was picture her brother
and nothing kills the mood more than that for me.
Am I being a dick for thinking about passing up this girl
or is there something here, Bill?
Thanks and go fuck yourself.
I don't know if there's something there.
You got to tell me.
But as far as I, as an outsider looking in,
yeah, you can't be with that girl.
You're going to end up fucking your friend.
I'm joking.
Um, no, I know what you mean.
I remember there was a buddy of mine I had
and his sister looked exactly like him with long hair.
I mean, it was like, it was uncanny
how much they look like each other.
And, you know, she was a nice person and everything,
but it was, it was my friend in drag.
And, you know, so much of a relationship keeping it going
is if you can make each other laugh.
And if every time she fucking laughs,
you got to break up with one of the two.
I don't know.
You break up with, you can't be friends with him anymore.
You just got to be with her long enough
that that laugh becomes her laugh.
I don't know.
Do you know what it really comes down to
is how freaked out you are by it.
You know?
I mean, every guy's had this.
You meet a girl in the bar
and you're attracted to her
and then she has the same name as your mother.
It's like over, over, it's over.
Done deal.
Can't do it.
Why? What's the matter?
Can't tell you.
Can't tell you.
See you later, sweetheart.
See you later.
You are trapped.
You're trampling on sacred ground there, sweetheart.
Get it.
What's your middle name?
Because I want to dress you by your name
when I say to get the fuck out of my face.
I don't know what you do there, buddy.
I mean, if you actually feel like there's something there
beyond the fact that you want to just bang her,
which I don't think you have a problem
finding women to bang,
so maybe you do think of something about her.
I don't know.
That's going to be your,
that would have to be your choice.
Just personally, personally speaking.
I don't know if I met the girl
that I thought was, you know,
the one I'm supposed to be with.
And she laughed like my best friend.
Oh, my God.
There's 7 billion people on the planet.
You can't find some woman to fuck
that doesn't laugh like your friend.
Ah, Jesus.
You know, I'm not good at advice today.
That even sounded ignorant to me.
I could hear all the fucking women go,
God, he's so fucking stupid.