Name: Bill Burr - Sony Leaks
Uploaded: 2014-12-23T01:56:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Sony Leaks' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-12-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Sony Leaks' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-12-23. Transcript available.

I have no idea what's going on in the world right now.
Other than Sony leaks.
Everybody freaking out about Sony leaks.
Did you read any?
No, I didn't read any of the fucking things.
Why would I read that?
It's somebody else's email, you fucking weirdo.
Why don't you stand outside their window and rub your dick?
You know?
You're a piece of shit if you read any of those fucking emails.
That's all I'm saying, okay?
Because be honest with yourself.
If somebody stole your fucking, all your shit, you wouldn't be in trouble.
You wouldn't be a little nervous.
You don't got a dick pic or a fucking or something.
You didn't look at something weird.
Right?
You didn't trash the fucking chick one cubicle over because you want to fuck
her and she won't.
So you start saying she's a lesbian or she's frigid or some shit.
You probably said it way worse than that.
Right?
Now you're going to hold these people.
You're going to hold these people accountable?
These wonderful people over at Sony that make movies for your snot-nosed
fucking kids to watch so you can go in the other room and fucking steal a
fucking 20 minutes of sleep?
You know?
Maybe go walk out onto your balcony and fucking huff a little.
Smoke a little weed.
Why does that moment happen, huh?
Because of people like Sony making movies about fucking stereotypical
characters on rugs flying around the Middle East.
Right?
Talking planes and talking cars.
Fat people with no legs talking to computers.
All those fucking movies.
It's because of people like them.
And what do you do?
You turn around.
You find out that their fucking emails are on the internet.
And what do you do, you piece of shit?
How do you repay them for shutting your fucking snot-nosed kid up for two and a
half fucking hours?
Two hours, whatever.
Because of those wonderful people over at Sony, you can take your dumbass kid
that only you find cute.
Prop him up in front of the fucking TV and he can sit there goddamn catatonic.
You know, well, maybe you got time to go rub one out or go pour yourself a
fucking whiskey or maybe just have a couple of minutes to yourself and enjoy a
piece of toast.
How do you repay them?
You immediately sit down on the fucking computer and you go and you read their
fucking emails.
During the holiday season.
How dare you?
Yeah, I could give a fuck about all of that.
I don't understand why they pulled the fucking movie, though.
Do you really think the Al-Qaeda was going to do that shit?
Let's just say they were behind 9-11.
Who knows at this point?
Right?
That's like, you know, who came up with the fucking grilled cheese sandwich at
this point?
Everybody's claimed responsibility.
It was my Aunt Harriet.
She lived in Wisconsin or some fucking bullshit, right?
Everybody's claimed fucking responsibility.
Everybody's been blamed for that from Saddam to Al-Qaeda to your buddy named
Fred down the fucking street.
All right?
So let's just say that these guys, you know, these fucking 600 people on a
jungle gym, half a world away, did this shit.
All right?
Let's just say they did it.
You're telling me that they're going to go from knocking down buildings and
fucking blowing up the Pentagon to attack at a movie theater?
Doesn't that seem like anticlimactic?
That's kind of like as a comedian.
You would start with your best joke and then it just fucking tapers off from
there and then slowly you're just like the crowd's just staring at you.
I mean, I would think their next move would be something even bigger, right?
You'd think, right?
If murdering innocent people is an art, you'd want to progress like anybody
else.
Does a guitar player want to be worse than he was the day before?
I don't think he does.
We got more movie theaters than they have members in Al-Qaeda.
I don't understand what the fucking problem is.
What are they going to do?
They're just going to walk in?
They're going to get all those fucking cunts over here.
I guess they were just going to do it to one.
I don't know.
It just seemed like a pussy move.
We just caved.
We fucking caved.
Now what?
Now what's the next thing they're going to fucking threat?
Oh, Jesus.
Am I doing that argument?
Oh, it's a slippery slope.
Next thing you know, we can't read newspapers.
I don't really give a shit about any fucking story in the news.
Unless it's some local guy who did something heroic.
If it's somebody who saved a fucking animal or they're talking about what a
piece of shit banks and insurance companies are.
Other than that, I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't need the environment.
I'm over the environment.
We're going to destroy it.
You know, people are going to sit there and deny that we have any sort of
effect on the climate of this fucking planet.
Whatever.
Yeah.
Why would we?
Why would we?
We live on land and we've ruined the oceans.
How could we ever affect the climate?
There's over one trillion pieces of fucking plastic in the goddamn ocean.
We live on the land, people.
How does that happen?
Is there a shark fucking up your backyard?
I don't think there is.
We're essentially the worst fucking thing on the planet and the coolest thing.
You know what I mean?
Because we have an inventions.
As far as I know, no other animal on this planet has ever invented anything.
Not a fucking thing.
You know, we get all excited.
You get all excited when you see your dog use his hands as like a pair of paws
to hold a fucking bone.
Look at his dog.
He's hung a bone to bone.
He's straight up and down.
Right?
We can make a robot dog at this point.
You hear that, Cleo?
You're obsolete.
Um.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't even know anything what the fuck is going on.
But you know something?
The next time somebody's account gets hacked, why don't you have a little bit
of empathy going like,
hey, you know, I wouldn't like that to happen to me.
And just leave him the fuck alone.
Who gives a shit?
They're talking shit about different fucking people.
Of course they are.
That's what people do.
That's what everybody does.
Me and old Joe DeRosa, we get on the phone.
Sometimes we'll call another fucking comedian.
And all three of us will just sit there.
First we start off, we trash each other.
And then the circle just gets bigger and bigger.
Start trashing other people we know.
And sometimes we're trashing somebody so well, we actually call that person up
because we don't want them to miss it.
Um, anyways, who gives a fuck?
The Sony leaks acting like somebody broke into the fucking Pentagon.