Name: Bill Burr - The Dez Bryant Catch 01-11-15
Uploaded: 2015-01-13T13:13:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The Dez Bryant Catch 01-11-15' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-01-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The Dez Bryant Catch 01-11-15' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-01-13. Transcript available.

Let's go with the first thing first, the Packers-Cowboys game, all right?
The fact that that isn't ruled a fucking catch,
and I know everybody's sick of it at this point, but I don't give a fuck.
If I saw one more nerd who looked like he could even catch a fucking beach ball
underhanded
in a fucking playroom explained to me why watching Dez Bryant catch that ball
and then have it said it wasn't a catch, I was going to fucking throw the TV
out.
I wasn't going to do that, come on.
I'd get sued, you know?
I'm not that kind of guy, but it's fucking unbelievable.
The guy, this is what kills me about that fucking rule.
Dez goes up, catches the ball, runs three steps,
and then because he's so fucking athletic, he's got giant hands.
He can hold the ball in one hand against his wrist.
As he goes down, he has the presence of mind to try to get it as close as he
can to the goal line
and hits the ground, pops out, and then they go, it's not a catch.
And every fucking thing about him catching the ball is not admissible under the
rule.
He goes up, catches the ball, not admissible.
Moves it from one hand to another, not admissible as far as control.
Runs three steps, you can't count the steps.
It was like some boss hog shit, right?
Then fucking extends his arm.
He didn't extend it far enough.
And then he fucking hits the ground and pops out.
Yeah, no catch.
I'm trying to wrap my head around that fucking rule that all of that,
all of Dez Bryant catching that football is not admissible.
Because, I don't know, maybe the rule is a good rule because,
as they're saying, they want a clear-cut definition of what is a catch
and what isn't a catch, I love that the ref thought it was a catch
and then there's supposed to be, like, irrefutable evidence to, like,
I almost couldn't say that word, evidence, evidence that, I don't know,
I just fucking blew my mind.
Like, when they caught the ball, they gave it to him.
Let's just say the Cowboys punch it in then.
Then they were up, what, 3-4 or whatever?
And then you get the excitement of the Packers get the ball back and Aaron Rodgers
and they got two minutes.
You got this unbelievable end to the game as opposed to, wah, wah.
Oh, we're sorry.
What you just saw happen didn't really happen.
Fucking, that is, I got to tell you, that is the worst.
I can't say it's the worst.
Like, the tuck rule is the worst fucking rule I ever seen in my life.
And that's coming from a Patriots fan.
The tuck rule is the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life.
There was never a problem with, you know, 90% of the time,
even before instant replay.
Was his arm going back or was it going forward?
And that was either, you know, incomplete pass or a fumble.
That whole thing that, but if you then tuck it against you
like a little fucking loaf of bread,
that that becomes, what, an incomplete pass?
The dumbest fucking rule I've ever seen in my life.
And before you Raider fans feel vindicated that I'm saying this,
know that you have a Super Bowl trophy.
And I remind you this because you guys are so busy dressing up like fucking
Alice in Wonderland before you go to the game.
All right?
You bunch of theater majors that you forget that Super Bowl XI,
you won that on a horrific roughing the passer call.
They put the ball all the way down on the one-yard line, okay?
Against the New England Patriots.
So it evened out, okay?
It evened out, right?
So we have one that we shouldn't have,
and you have one that you shouldn't have.
So we're fucking even.
But Jesus Christ.
And my Patriots had the biggest fucking win ever.
I can't get over the fact that they fucked me as a fan
and said that that wasn't a catch
and an exciting end to that game.
And instead, you see Howie Long?
Howie Long looked pissed.
He was like, that's a fucking catch.
Exactly.
It is a fucking catch.
But now with these new nerd rules,
you can't count the steps.
Why?
He had it in both of his hands.
You can't count that.
You can't count it.
He extended his hand.
He didn't extend it far enough.
The fuck more does the guy have to do?
Des Bryant basically got punished
for having gigantic hands and being athletic.
You know what I mean?
Because anybody else would be so psyched
they just got the ball.
They would have fucking tucked it in
and it would have been a catch.
But he was so fucking athletic
that despite the fact that that guy
was pulling him down to the ground,
he still fucking caught it.
The other guy had position.
He still fucking caught it.
He was going down to the ground.
He still maintained possession
of the fucking ball
and then has the presence of mind
to see the goal line
and try to get it across.
Which is, that's what caused the ball
not to be caught.
It's because Des Bryant is so fucking good.
I mean, that's another thing.
Is the Cowboys spent all this fucking money
on this guy.
A first round draft pick
for that exact moment in the game
and the guy delivered
and that stupid rule
takes it away?
Ah.
Ah, fucking unreal.
Jesus Christ.
Is there anybody
remotely athletic looking
who can actually get on the TV
and tell me why
that isn't a fucking catch?
Put it this way.
I understand why Howie Long
thought it was a catch
and that fucking nerd
who goes on,
well, you know,
you can't count the steps.
You can't,
I know he has a ball of both hands,
but there has to be clear
and present danger
with a motive involved
and you got to take
the due process.
Whatever the fuck
he was talking about,
as you're watching,
literally,
like,
he was almost like a cult leader
who was just telling you
what you were seeing
wasn't happening
so they'll still think,
you know,
his version of Jesus
or whatever.
He caught the fucking ball.
Here's another thing,
another rule.
Let's just talk about
NFL rules here.
Ground can't cause a fumble.
Why?
The ground causes a fumble
every fucking game.
I see it all the time.
The ground can't cause a fumble.
You just don't call it.
The ground causes way more fumbles
than Lawrence Taylor
ever fucking did.
The ground can't cause a fumble.
That's bullshit.
You should say
we don't count it
if the ground causes a fumble.
I mean,
that's how I looked at that play.
Des Bryant caught the ball
and then the ground caused the fumble
and then he fucking recovered it.
No?
Not according to
rule number 98.75
in the book of Genesis.
What a crock of shit
that fucking rule is.
Or is it a good rule
and it just had an unfortunate time
of rearing its ugly head?
I gotta wait a second
as all those fat cheese-eating morons
are fucking nodding
their jobbles right now.
Can you hear it?
Can you hear them shaking up
in Rhinelander?
Wherever the fuck
I used to do gigs out there.
And I didn't have a fucking dog
in that fight.
I just as an NFL fan
was like,
oh my God,
the Cowboys are now
gonna get a touchdown
and go up
and I get to see
if the Packers can answer
and just,
nope, nope, nope.
The nerds come out
with their fucking protractors.
Do you understand
that they just said
you can't count the steps?
The guy caught the ball
and is running
as he's falling to the ground.
He's still running
because he's that level
of an athlete
and they go,
you can't count that.
All right,
whatever.
Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ.
I mean,
that almost killed
the excitement I had
of the Patriots
beating the Ravens.
That's how much
I fucking hate
this,
the turn
that sports have taken.
You know,
where they got all these
fucking causes
attached to everything
and people crying
during the fucking commercials
and then this shit.
You get to watch a guy
make a fucking great catch
and then it's taken away
because of
the last cunt hair
of the fucking move.
That's what they look at.
Everything else
of that amazing play.
Nah,
it doesn't count.
Doesn't fucking count.
And there's another thing too.
The amount of fucking morons
that don't understand
the definition of karma
who sat there
and said,
yeah,
that's karma, baby.
You know,
because there was a shit call
the week before
that went in favor
of the Cowboys.
The Cowboys
didn't make the call.
All the Cowboys
are guilty of
is showing up
and playing
the Detroit Lions.
If anybody's gonna pay
for those bad calls,
it's the refs.
The refs
fuck the Lions,
not the Cowboys.
So then the refs
come back the next week
and what are they doing?
Are they evening out
their karma?
What does that mean?
So that means
I could go out
and go murder somebody
and then the next week
I help an old lady
across the fucking street
and then it's even?
It isn't.
They fucked.
They fucked up
two weeks
in a goddamn row.
I don't know.
I just...
I can't fucking believe
that's not a catch.
This is the stupidest thing ever.
He caught the ball.
You can't count that.
He's still going
down to the ground.
Yeah,
he's getting tackled.
He had to jump
over the guy.
He's getting tackled
and he still maintained
control of the fucking ball.
And anybody who tries to say
when he reached out
with that ball
that that ball
isn't right as rain
and is not even moving
and that Dez Bryant
does not have
complete control of that,
you're a Packer fan
or you're a fucking...
I don't know what you are.
I don't know
what you're looking at.
He clearly has...
The fact that it has to be
up against your fucking body.
The guy's clearly
reaching towards the goal line.
All right,
I'm done.
I'm done.