Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Whiskey Dick
Uploaded: 2015-01-13T14:25:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Whiskey Dick' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-01-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Whiskey Dick' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-01-13. Transcript available.

Bill, can I bounce back from bad first time at sex?
Absolutely. You're not supposed to be good the first time.
You're supposed to be so freaked out that you're doing it that the game's over
before it even starts, right?
Hello, Mr. Burr. Huge fan from Poland.
Not a virgin, by the way. Here's the story.
Been hanging out with this girl for about a year as friends.
Well, right now, dude, the fact that if you actually bang this person after
being friends for a fucking year, you know?
I mean, how did you even maintain an erection with all those memories of
walking around a farmer's market?
Anyways, finally, I ended up falling for her, but she put me in the friend zone.
Well, I wasn't having that, so I sort of pumped the brakes on the whole thing
and stopped hanging out with her.
Textbook. Textbook. Nice move.
Just some messages from time to time.
A few weeks ago, she calls me up randomly to chill at my place after not seeing
each other for a couple of months.
I was kind of buzzed, so I thought, what the hell? Why not?
So she comes over. We have some alcohol, maybe some illegal substances, and
everything was cool.
Suddenly, she just goes, fuck me.
Jesus Christ. I gotta get over to Poland.
So I lifted up her skirt, ripped off her panties.
Jesus, buddy, this guy's going blow by blow and started plowing her.
Unfortunately, I got the whiskey dick soon after.
Fuck my life. It was pathetic.
I ended up...
Oh, Jesus. Okay, he performed oral...
I gotta tone this down here.
Performed oral sex on her.
She got where she needed to be.
But this was not the railing she was probably hoping for.
I wanted to kill myself and still do.
We still talk, but I'm not sure if I'll ever get a chance to get into her pants
again.
Please comfort me, Mr. Burr, and tell me that it's going to be okay.
Also, excuse my English. It's not my first language.
Well, you spoke meathead English perfectly.
Listen, dude, who's kidding?
The way you talk about this woman getting her panties, plower, railer, and all
that.
You don't love this woman.
You just want someone you can fuck.
So whatever, you know, it didn't work out.
Move on to somebody else.
I think you're going to be fine.
You did make up for your mistake with a very courteous move afterwards.
I don't think she'd be that upset.
Listen, she's probably sitting at home going,
Did I say fuck me to that guy?
Did I really just say that?
Oh, God, and then his dick went down.
Was he not turned on by me?
She's probably doing all of that shit.
I don't know.
The more I talk about this, I think you guys both deserve each other.
Maybe you get back in there.
Whiskey dick, you gotta...
You know, you get whiskey dick, you gotta get yourself in the same mindset of a
relief pitcher
that just gave up with the fucking, the deep ball, you know, but you're still
up a run.
You just gotta forget about that.
Just like Roger Clemens did, you know?
He would just immediately just, you know, start asking for another ball.
Yeah.