Name: Bill Burr - Wife Turned Down $975 Million Divorce Check
Uploaded: 2015-01-19T11:26:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Wife Turned Down $975 Million Divorce Check' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-01-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Wife Turned Down $975 Million Divorce Check' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-01-19. Transcript available.

oh by the way can we talk about that lady the fucking lady there's a woman out
there
um she fucking was married to a guy who was a billionaire she's getting a
divorce the guy
wrote her a check just under a billion dollars and she turned it down now i
know what a lot of
people are thinking what a fucking gold digging whore this is right up bill's
alley i know what
i'm gonna do i'm gonna tweet a fucking link to this article and this will get
him going on the
podcast and then he'll have a shit fit and i'll laugh as i'm sitting in my cubicle
well surprise
surprise i'm not really having a shit fit about this because i don't think it's
about the money
this is the deal this broad all right this fucking twinkle toes here all right
old little fucking
sugar tits here she married this guy this guy was worth 50 million bucks he was
an oil man get off my
fucking property there ain't no global warming good i like that there's a hole
in the ozone layer makes me
feel like i'm closer to god right he's an oil man hey i'll tell you what mr
president i don't even know
why i have to call you mr president i fucking put you in office with my goddamn
money look at me when
i'm talking to you obama all right my granddaddy put that dictator in fucking
power and he was supposed
to give us our little gold little shit there right he's supposed to give us our
liquid gold right he
ain't doing it no more you got to go over there you got to take that fucker out
you understand me
i don't give a fuck how you do it he's an oil man it's a fucking oil man all
right he's got slim whitman
on laserdisc right that's irish what was the fucking slim whitman he sold over
nine million records
um anyways i'm all over the fucking map here see i'm back to me i'm not looking
at the tv anymore
um so this fucking guy he's got he's got a 50 million dollar business
this he already has this and this woman does not sign a fucking he doesn't sign
a prenup with the
woman according to her she didn't take the billion dollar payout because now 26
27 28
fucking years later they're going for a divorce this guy's company is worth 20
billion dollars
according to her all right now here's the thing she's like i was with this guy
and i supported him
and held down the fucking home front and all that that's got to be worth
something this was
fucking crazy to me it's like you know with all due respect sweetheart this guy
made 50 million without
you okay look i could see if the guy had a couple hundred grand in the bank all
right maybe all right
whatever you know what i mean if you make 50 million dollars give me a fucking
break if you
started out with nothing and you're worth 50 million dollars you're fucking you
know what you're doing
at that point once you have 50 million dollars that's that's when that's when
you got your own
you're starting to have your own plane you're in a gated community you got your
own security system
you know you fucking kill somebody and the cops go down to your house and they're
talking to your
lawyer in the driveway as you're sitting there eating fucking escargot and an
english muffin
and they're asking your fucking lawyer if you if you wouldn't mind turning
yourself in over the next
six seven days you like that level fucking rich and once you're that level rich
it's all it's all
fucking downhill you're meeting the people that are running the world you're
meeting the people in
the bilderberg group you meet the people in the other groups that i don't know
about or what the
fuck they talk about but i pretend like i do you're at that level of fucking
wealth all right
so this fucking guy grows it to 20 billion dollars and she gets a check for a
billion
basically and uh she says she doesn't want it she wants more so everybody's
saying that she's a
gold-digging whore you know what i really think it is and she's saying that she
supported him and
helped him build it say go fuck yourself all right let's let's just say for
whatever fucking reason
i met an unknown lady gaga in the east village 10 12 fucking years ago right
and she's down there
ripping off madonna songs or whatever i'm like you know what there's something
about her though you
know she's got nice legs she's got a nice ass i mean i like the imperfections i
like the giant
nose look at me i got red fucking hair it's falling out i think we could make a
good couple
you know we're both a mess two negatives make a positive we'll make a beautiful
baby so i start
fucking hanging out with her next thing you know we fall in love garrett blott
go motherfucker um
so then we think uh all right you know we get married okay and let's just say
what whatever i'm
doing i'm fucking i make keys that's what i do that's my job okay and she's out
down there she's
down the village and she's fucking you know she's making her own meat dress you
know she's going out
she's making money in a coffee house and she goes right to the deli and she
buys more meat she's
investing in herself she's building her career she's playing the fucking piano
she's coming home and
she's like what do you think of this and i'm like it sounds good honey right i'm
over there i'm knitting
a fucking sweater you know i got a pot roast in the goddamn oven or whatever
okay and then she becomes
lady gaga i get to quit my fucking job i'm mr gaga i get to go on oprah and sit
there silently you know
as oprah talks to lady for fucking an hour and then finally she says well what
do you see in her and
then i already have some pre-written speech about how i'm gaga about gaga i'm gaga
for gaga whatever
the fuck happens right and let's just say in the end all of that i'm walking
down the fucking hall
blinded by her gold records platinum records and all that shit every morning
when i go to brush my
teeth i gotta fucking i gotta put on my uh my amber visions just to get there
so i don't fucking walk
into the walk-in closet instead of the bathroom let's say at the end of that
she gets sick of me and
she kicks me to the fucking curb all right now let's say she's worth a hundred
million dollars
and she turns around and says i'm gonna give you bill i'm gonna write you a
check
let's do the same thing let's say the 20 billion just say she's worth 20
million and she says bill
i'm gonna give you a million dollars and you know what i'm gonna say i'm gonna
say thank you lady gaga
it was awesome i enjoy i was just making keys i wasn't gonna make a million
dollars in my lifetime
all right i'm gonna take this money and i'm gonna pay my taxes on it i'm gonna
get myself a little
fucking house you know and i'm gonna make keys in the back of it i'm gonna get
my life back
and i'm gonna find god knows you gave me plenty of fuck and i would buy you
know what i would do with
that i would go buy a fuck everybody needs keys touchdown patriots
who the fuck was that who just scored that nate soldier just scored his first
touchdown ever
nice 23-7 oh did we match up better against the packers
so anyway oh look at our look at two cheaters talking there
on the sidelines two convicted cheaters that was a nice play that was a nice
play how do you like the
video i love the video um anyways you gotta have a sense of humor about your
own
fucking team don't you most people don't but i do um anyways so let's go back
here uh
yeah if she gave me a million bucks what i would do is i would find a house
that cost like i don't know like 150 grand
you know and i would put down a ridiculous amount of money on it
and then i put the rest of the money away and i would start cutting keys again
out of the back of
my house and i get that business going and i would fucking build it up and then
i go on to uh
instead of farmers only.com i'd go on like uh keymakers only.com and i try to
meet somebody
else that's what the fuck i would do i would never try to take her money i'd be
like you know what
i know i gave you support i know i said that was a beautiful song i know you
wrote a couple songs
about us instead of dear ben you wrote dear bill i get it but i can't sing i
can't play a
fucking piano who's kidding who we both know why i lived the life i lived for
the last 10 years
it was because of you lady gaga and to think i got to live that life and in the
end of it you're
going to give me a million bucks to leave yeah you're a fucking saint
i still love you lady gaga even though you don't love me anymore i get it
i don't even know why you love me in the first place but god bless you that's
probably why you
write such wonderful songs that connects with an entire demographic of people
continued success thank you for that million dollars and i would fucking leave
all right
i got too much fucking pride to sit there if somebody doesn't fucking want me
to then try to take everything they got i mean just i i couldn't find the
second somebody doesn't
want me around like all right jesus i didn't know i was annoying you i get it
sorry can i uh grab my
things now do you want to want me to send somebody else i would just get the
fuck out of there um
so anyway so that seems to be you know this lady here that she she got a
billion dollars
um and she says it's not enough what i honestly think it is i just think it's
an emotional thing for
this woman i don't think it's a money thing because you can't spend that you
can't spend all that
fucking money right did you guys they actually showed a copy of the uh of the
check that this
dude wrote to his ex-wife he didn't write it on one of those business checks
you know that are sort
of extra long and the whole extra area the memo section that you write stuff he
wrote it on like
a personal little check like the same kind of check like you know somebody
living week to week
one of those little checkbooks he wrote a check for like 989 million 899 000
and 31 cents whatever the
fuck it was and i think what he did was this guy's obvious i don't know what
the fuck maybe he's just
good at business i think he just sat down after they decided on the number and
i bet he did it right in
front of her after 26 years okay he's walking away he's leaving and he just
sits down and he's just
writing money just to make her leave and he just sits down and goes scribble
scribble scribble
sign sign sign dot the i cross the fucking t tears it out here you go beat it
lady i just think it came
across like that and it fucking pisses her off and she's just like this is the
thing the worst thing
you can have when a woman's breaking up with you or if you're breaking up with
a woman is if she's not
over you if she's over you it's gonna go smoothly you don't have to deal with
her fucking you know
putting up your pet rabbit in a goddamn stew all right but if they're not over
you you gotta
fucking let them down easy you can't just push them down the emotional elevator
shaft all right
you're gonna have a major fucking problem and i think this guy he just fucking
fired off the check
like he was paying another bill and she just was insulted by that and she's
think doing the math in
her head like you know this motherfucker's gonna i actually talked a little bit
about this on the
chris layton podcast so i forgive me if there's a little bit of overlap but i
just want to hear what
he thought about it um i think that uh
i i don't know i just think that they they want you they want you to hurt
they just want you to hurt i don't know what it is not all of them just some of
them and i think
that she didn't get a sad enough of a satisfied hurt look on this guy's face
there wasn't enough pain
i think he just treated her like he had to get the gutters fixed and had some
professional come over
and did it and he just fired off this fucking check and it just pissed her off
you know because she's more than taken care of for the rest of her fucking life
anything she could
ever want she's it's all good but i think the fact that he still has so much
more money and it didn't
hurt him to write that check that and she knows that he has enough money to get
like you know
i mean you got 20 billion dollars there's like a victoria's secret model that
will pretend to
give a fuck about you for a good year year and a half and you can do that for
the rest of your life
as you ride around in ferraris now her she's a woman guys don't work that way
we don't really
give a shit about money you know we're more like enamored by looks you know it's
both of our
fucking weaknesses whatever you guys are into stuff we're into fucking uh you
know tits and ass so which
is why you know we will date somebody as dumb as a fucking rock and you will
also date some ugly old
balding douche you know because they can take care of you it's it's kind of
what we do so i'm not
really a lot of people wanted me to go off on like she's a gold digging whore i
don't think she is i
think she's i think she's hurt and uh she's hurt how easy this guy is just
getting over i know all
you guys are sitting there going like dude what the fuck he's writing a check
for billion dollars i
know that hurts dude you got 20 billion dollars come on man if that's true if
it's true and you got 20
billion dollars yeah i'll write you a check for for a bill that wouldn't hurt
me at all there you go
bang bang boom beat it whistling dixie jesus christ the fucking interest alone
on that money you
by the time you walk down the driveway or she walks down the driveway leaving
you your money is probably
already made fucking 30 million dollars the fuck do you care um i know he's
probably that's obviously
not 20 billion liquid it's got a lot of that tied up in derricks right some
giant fucking ranches some oil
rags some trucks

Bill Burr - Wife Turned Down $975 Million Divorce Check

oh by the way can we talk about that lady the fucking lady there's a woman out
there
um she fucking was married to a guy who was a billionaire she's getting a
divorce the guy
wrote her a check just under a billion dollars and she turned it down now i
know what a lot of
people are thinking what a fucking gold digging whore this is right up bill's
alley i know what
i'm gonna do i'm gonna tweet a fucking link to this article and this will get
him going on the
podcast and then he'll have a shit fit and i'll laugh as i'm sitting in my cubicle
well surprise
surprise i'm not really having a shit fit about this because i don't think it's
about the money
this is the deal this broad all right this fucking twinkle toes here all right
old little fucking
sugar tits here she married this guy this guy was worth 50 million bucks he was
an oil man get off my
fucking property there ain't no global warming good i like that there's a hole
in the ozone layer makes me
feel like i'm closer to god right he's an oil man hey i'll tell you what mr
president i don't even know
why i have to call you mr president i fucking put you in office with my goddamn
money look at me when
i'm talking to you obama all right my granddaddy put that dictator in fucking
power and he was supposed
to give us our little gold little shit there right he's supposed to give us our
liquid gold right he
ain't doing it no more you got to go over there you got to take that fucker out
you understand me
i don't give a fuck how you do it he's an oil man it's a fucking oil man all
right he's got slim whitman
on laserdisc right that's irish what was the fucking slim whitman he sold over
nine million records
um anyways i'm all over the fucking map here see i'm back to me i'm not looking
at the tv anymore
um so this fucking guy he's got he's got a 50 million dollar business
this he already has this and this woman does not sign a fucking he doesn't sign
a prenup with the
woman according to her she didn't take the billion dollar payout because now 26
27 28
fucking years later they're going for a divorce this guy's company is worth 20
billion dollars
according to her all right now here's the thing she's like i was with this guy
and i supported him
and held down the fucking home front and all that that's got to be worth
something this was
fucking crazy to me it's like you know with all due respect sweetheart this guy
made 50 million without
you okay look i could see if the guy had a couple hundred grand in the bank all
right maybe all right
whatever you know what i mean if you make 50 million dollars give me a fucking
break if you
started out with nothing and you're worth 50 million dollars you're fucking you
know what you're doing
at that point once you have 50 million dollars that's that's when that's when
you got your own
you're starting to have your own plane you're in a gated community you got your
own security system
you know you fucking kill somebody and the cops go down to your house and they're
talking to your
lawyer in the driveway as you're sitting there eating fucking escargot and an
english muffin
and they're asking your fucking lawyer if you if you wouldn't mind turning
yourself in over the next
six seven days you like that level fucking rich and once you're that level rich
it's all it's all
fucking downhill you're meeting the people that are running the world you're
meeting the people in
the bilderberg group you meet the people in the other groups that i don't know
about or what the
fuck they talk about but i pretend like i do you're at that level of fucking
wealth all right
so this fucking guy grows it to 20 billion dollars and she gets a check for a
billion
basically and uh she says she doesn't want it she wants more so everybody's
saying that she's a
gold-digging whore you know what i really think it is and she's saying that she
supported him and
helped him build it say go fuck yourself all right let's let's just say for
whatever fucking reason
i met an unknown lady gaga in the east village 10 12 fucking years ago right
and she's down there
ripping off madonna songs or whatever i'm like you know what there's something
about her though you
know she's got nice legs she's got a nice ass i mean i like the imperfections i
like the giant
nose look at me i got red fucking hair it's falling out i think we could make a
good couple
you know we're both a mess two negatives make a positive we'll make a beautiful
baby so i start
fucking hanging out with her next thing you know we fall in love garrett blott
go motherfucker um
so then we think uh all right you know we get married okay and let's just say
what whatever i'm
doing i'm fucking i make keys that's what i do that's my job okay and she's out
down there she's
down the village and she's fucking you know she's making her own meat dress you
know she's going out
she's making money in a coffee house and she goes right to the deli and she
buys more meat she's
investing in herself she's building her career she's playing the fucking piano
she's coming home and
she's like what do you think of this and i'm like it sounds good honey right i'm
over there i'm knitting
a fucking sweater you know i got a pot roast in the goddamn oven or whatever
okay and then she becomes
lady gaga i get to quit my fucking job i'm mr gaga i get to go on oprah and sit
there silently you know
as oprah talks to lady for fucking an hour and then finally she says well what
do you see in her and
then i already have some pre-written speech about how i'm gaga about gaga i'm gaga
for gaga whatever
the fuck happens right and let's just say in the end all of that i'm walking
down the fucking hall
blinded by her gold records platinum records and all that shit every morning
when i go to brush my
teeth i gotta fucking i gotta put on my uh my amber visions just to get there
so i don't fucking walk
into the walk-in closet instead of the bathroom let's say at the end of that
she gets sick of me and
she kicks me to the fucking curb all right now let's say she's worth a hundred
million dollars
and she turns around and says i'm gonna give you bill i'm gonna write you a
check
let's do the same thing let's say the 20 billion just say she's worth 20
million and she says bill
i'm gonna give you a million dollars and you know what i'm gonna say i'm gonna
say thank you lady gaga
it was awesome i enjoy i was just making keys i wasn't gonna make a million
dollars in my lifetime
all right i'm gonna take this money and i'm gonna pay my taxes on it i'm gonna
get myself a little
fucking house you know and i'm gonna make keys in the back of it i'm gonna get
my life back
and i'm gonna find god knows you gave me plenty of fuck and i would buy you
know what i would do with
that i would go buy a fuck everybody needs keys touchdown patriots
who the fuck was that who just scored that nate soldier just scored his first
touchdown ever
nice 23-7 oh did we match up better against the packers
so anyway oh look at our look at two cheaters talking there
on the sidelines two convicted cheaters that was a nice play that was a nice
play how do you like the
video i love the video um anyways you gotta have a sense of humor about your
own
fucking team don't you most people don't but i do um anyways so let's go back
here uh
yeah if she gave me a million bucks what i would do is i would find a house
that cost like i don't know like 150 grand
you know and i would put down a ridiculous amount of money on it
and then i put the rest of the money away and i would start cutting keys again
out of the back of
my house and i get that business going and i would fucking build it up and then
i go on to uh
instead of farmers only.com i'd go on like uh keymakers only.com and i try to
meet somebody
else that's what the fuck i would do i would never try to take her money i'd be
like you know what
i know i gave you support i know i said that was a beautiful song i know you
wrote a couple songs
about us instead of dear ben you wrote dear bill i get it but i can't sing i
can't play a
fucking piano who's kidding who we both know why i lived the life i lived for
the last 10 years
it was because of you lady gaga and to think i got to live that life and in the
end of it you're
going to give me a million bucks to leave yeah you're a fucking saint
i still love you lady gaga even though you don't love me anymore i get it
i don't even know why you love me in the first place but god bless you that's
probably why you
write such wonderful songs that connects with an entire demographic of people
continued success thank you for that million dollars and i would fucking leave
all right
i got too much fucking pride to sit there if somebody doesn't fucking want me
to then try to take everything they got i mean just i i couldn't find the
second somebody doesn't
want me around like all right jesus i didn't know i was annoying you i get it
sorry can i uh grab my
things now do you want to want me to send somebody else i would just get the
fuck out of there um
so anyway so that seems to be you know this lady here that she she got a
billion dollars
um and she says it's not enough what i honestly think it is i just think it's
an emotional thing for
this woman i don't think it's a money thing because you can't spend that you
can't spend all that
fucking money right did you guys they actually showed a copy of the uh of the
check that this
dude wrote to his ex-wife he didn't write it on one of those business checks
you know that are sort
of extra long and the whole extra area the memo section that you write stuff he
wrote it on like
a personal little check like the same kind of check like you know somebody
living week to week
one of those little checkbooks he wrote a check for like 989 million 899 000
and 31 cents whatever the
fuck it was and i think what he did was this guy's obvious i don't know what
the fuck maybe he's just
good at business i think he just sat down after they decided on the number and
i bet he did it right in
front of her after 26 years okay he's walking away he's leaving and he just
sits down and he's just
writing money just to make her leave and he just sits down and goes scribble
scribble scribble
sign sign sign dot the i cross the fucking t tears it out here you go beat it
lady i just think it came
across like that and it fucking pisses her off and she's just like this is the
thing the worst thing
you can have when a woman's breaking up with you or if you're breaking up with
a woman is if she's not
over you if she's over you it's gonna go smoothly you don't have to deal with
her fucking you know
putting up your pet rabbit in a goddamn stew all right but if they're not over
you you gotta
fucking let them down easy you can't just push them down the emotional elevator
shaft all right
you're gonna have a major fucking problem and i think this guy he just fucking
fired off the check
like he was paying another bill and she just was insulted by that and she's
think doing the math in
her head like you know this motherfucker's gonna i actually talked a little bit
about this on the
chris layton podcast so i forgive me if there's a little bit of overlap but i
just want to hear what
he thought about it um i think that uh
i i don't know i just think that they they want you they want you to hurt
they just want you to hurt i don't know what it is not all of them just some of
them and i think
that she didn't get a sad enough of a satisfied hurt look on this guy's face
there wasn't enough pain
i think he just treated her like he had to get the gutters fixed and had some
professional come over
and did it and he just fired off this fucking check and it just pissed her off
you know because she's more than taken care of for the rest of her fucking life
anything she could
ever want she's it's all good but i think the fact that he still has so much
more money and it didn't
hurt him to write that check that and she knows that he has enough money to get
like you know
i mean you got 20 billion dollars there's