Name: Bill Burr - Clam Jokes, Sam Smith and Tom Petty Song
Uploaded: 2015-02-17T07:21:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Clam Jokes, Sam Smith and Tom Petty Song' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-02-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Clam Jokes, Sam Smith and Tom Petty Song' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-02-17. Transcript available.

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast for monday
uh february
16th and i'm back in the usa baby finally i should say i'm back home i'm back
home and home
is where the heart is don't you think actually i have a new recorder i don't
know if the levels
are too high here i have no fucking idea i can't really hear myself um the old
girl finally died
i mentioned last week the olympus ls 10 is what i had and uh they're all the
way up to the 14th and i
got the 14 which i'm i seem to be enjoying so far although i can't stand the
fucking lady's voice
every button that you hit it goes like recording
back to main menu and it's this fucking english lady it's like what the fuck
are you doing like
why when the fuck did an american accent just become like you can't have that
you can't have
it on like you're uh like all these fucking one of those things that i
advertise on on this this
podcast it's like they try to give you like uh for your voicemail you have some
sort of international
just not from america voice and all of a sudden it makes it sound like you're
okay wow i like this
company they must be fucking people over globally all over the world they're
fucking did you did you
hear this the fucking did you hear the outgoing message oh hello welcome to
pinkberry all of a
sudden i think i'm getting a higher class fucking yogurt because what because
it's got an english
accent what the fuck is it with the goddamn english that everybody thinks it's
so fucking
you know what it is it has to do with the fact that we're over here on our own
goddamn island
all right and if it actually had some sort of french accent all it does is
remind you that you
can't fucking speak the language but with like english all of a sudden it
starts to sound a little
hoity-toity you know who i blame for all this i blame madonna all right let me
tell you something
about that fucking lady there all right she's from fucking detroit she grew up
outside outside of that
fucking hellhole hey by the way you know something what let's complete the
thought bill for the love of
god see it through okay she grew up outside of that fucking hellhole she does a
couple of fucking
whoop-de-doos around the world singing a dumb-ass song in her mustard-colored
pumps and all of a sudden
she's got a fucking english accent it's annoying all right i've lived out here
for fucking coming up
on eight years all right i still like i still sound like i'm going down the turd
pike
you know i was just over in asia that had come back sounding like i was from
fucking india
you know i mean madonna how much are you searching how bad was your fucking
childhood how bad was this
country that you felt you had you had you moved to another one and then you
took on their goddamn
accident like they wouldn't notice
why am i jumping all over her all right favorite madonna song what would you
like would you like
the guilty pleasure or would you like the one that i actually like the
musicianship
what's the guilty pleasure one
oh god it was one of her earlier ones you know
before she got into all of that i don't know what the fuck she was doing you
know before the sex
book you know or it's just like you know i'll fuck anything her those years it's
like we get it we
get it all right you like you like dick you like women too you like dick and
women you know
you like that fucking fat guy in uh in monty python get a better get a bucket i'm
gonna throw up except
it's with dicks you know it's like this new thing i've noticed with comedy with
women like that's
like this fucking it's considered edgy if they talk about their clams and it's
just like you know
with all due respect you're just sort of a bar hack at that point aren't you
aren't you just doing
dick jokes because it's a vagina all of a sudden you know they're taking
control of their bodies
it's like you i don't give a fuck what you're doing you're doing a dick joke
minus the dick
with the pussy it's the same fucking it's like sam smith with the tom petty
song right it's the same
fucking thing no i stay with me um it's just a fucking dick joke what could
everybody stop losing
their fucking minds over a dick joke because now it's a pussy joke it's the
same fucking joke
blah blah blah blah so let me get this straight if you're shooting a load in
somebody's face
you're just a fucking you know a blue comic but if you're taking the load to
the face
you're groundbreaking is that how it works with you goddamn kids today well hey
more power to you
and by the way i'm just fucking with sam smith because that song doesn't sound
anything like the
other song i guess when you speed up one and slow down the other then yeah yeah
then i guess it is
the same sound it is the same song but like at no point that i ever listened to
it and think of that
tom petty song and not to mention sam smith's song was way fucking better and
you know there's people
out there that actually say um we're kind of going like what the fuck when uh
when he said he had
never heard that tom petty song and like everybody was like flipping out mostly
older people
so what do you mean you didn't hear that big hit that was a hit when i was a
kid
this is the thing that you gotta you gotta know about about these the kids all
right they don't even
know who the fuck paul mccartney was paul mccartney came out and sang with kanye
west and like kids in
their 20s they don't know who paul mccartney is some of them don't even know
who the fucking beatles are
and then those kids who know who the beatles are they listen to the beatles and
they go what's the
big deal these guys are overrated because their fucking songs are 50 years old
at least the early
once she loves you okay okay yeah all that shit um all that shit and all right
and their their uh
their end shit their end shit the shit that they did right before they broke up
is as old as me 46
44 45 46 years old they don't know who the fuck they are so if you don't know
who the goddamn beatles are
if they come out you know with kanye west okay and he sings a fucking song with
them
they're not gonna know who the fuck he is he looks like uh he looks like he
should be like a civil war
reenactor now he's actually more revolutionary war when i think of uh sir paul
mccartney
i fucking hate that shit i hate how over in england they they date night people
how dumb is that then
what do you have a little fucking pretend sword fight really is paul mccartney
a fucking he's knighted
now what's he gonna do go storm a castle in a faraway land or is he just gonna
put on a big silly
necklace and get down on one fucking knee oh the whole fucking thing's stupid
um but anyways yeah i i
for the life of me i didn't notice that that was the same song and i don't get
how that guy gets sued
but lady uh lady gaga doesn't with that madonna song um which was the exact
same fucking tempo
and i guess the same chord progression and all of that shit where i would go in
into like
clubs or whatever and just regular people were singing the madonna song along
to the lady gaga song
i didn't fucking ever think of the tom petty song with the sam smith song and
what i love is the
second the lawsuit comes around then everybody all of a sudden everybody's phil
specter now everybody
fucking heard it right everybody's got a gun in some fucking whore's mouth
going admit it admit it
it's a tom petty song right isn't that what he did
can you imagine being in a studio with that fucking weasel who's walking around
with a goddamn gun
coked all up or whatever the hell he is i just don't understand how people get
into a situation
like that like how bad do you want to make it that you stay in a studio the
first time the guy waves
the gun around it's like hey phil i'm going to burger king do you want anything
yeah you pull an
absentee father thing you just abandon the whole thing what's he gonna do do
you think a guy that
he's not fucking crazy he still drives
he probably has some old fucking limo you know
really high roof so he can hold his fucking wig
and