Name: Bill Burr - How To Turn The Catholic Church Around
Uploaded: 2015-04-07T01:00:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - How To Turn The Catholic Church Around' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-04-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - How To Turn The Catholic Church Around' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-04-07. Transcript available.

did you guys have a nice easter i had an awesome easter uh my mother-in-law
came over right
and uh she actually wanted to go to brunch okay and i was just like oh i was
like oh
jesus oh my god i thought this was a day of celebration why would you drag us
into the hell
of brunch on fucking easter are you out of your mind right this is how cool my
wife is i just say
to what i said she goes do you want to go to brunch with me and my mother on
easter i was like no i
don't i don't want to do that why don't we go drinking on saint patrick's day
why don't why
don't we go out on new year's and go to times square the fuck are we doing here
she's like i
know that's right i go why don't we just have brunch at home i'll make some
eggs i'll throw in some
fucking waffles whatever you want i'll cook it right she goes i got one better
for you why don't we just
order some fucking chinese food that's what we did chinese food on easter don't
jewish people eat
chinese food on uh christmas i gotta tell you i loved it on easter why stop on
christmas those jews
i'm telling you they're onto something this fucking chinese food on on christian
holidays i'm all about
it dude it was awesome we had uh what do we have there we had we had uh we had
i don't know what
the fuck we had crab rangoo all that deep fried shit that's fucking sloshing
around in my belly
right now was tremendous and then she showed up with a lemon meringue pie and
that was my easter no bunny
right no fucking going down to church and you got to listen to the jesus story
over and fucking over
again you know what i mean it's such an amazing story you think that they could
make a good movie
about it you know what i mean i mean technically it should be better than all
of those born identities
but it isn't i don't know what they need they should make just you know if i
like the catholic
churches who's kidding who it's sliding down a grease pole you know nobody's
buying nobody's going
anymore all right it's like it then it's like the jacksonville jaguars of the
of fucking religions
as far as you know old stadium nobody's showing up plenty of seats what do you
want to sit down front
get you got it it's all you yeah you can hang out with the fucking players
afterwards so what i would
do is i would i would invent like the i catholic church you know just rip off
apple to get these
kids you get flat screens in there right you do you get tupac whatever they did
to him where he became
the the the homogenized version what the fuck is it the the holiograph what the
hell is it because
on the h a holograph uh a little cube whatever the fuck it is you do that but
you just do it with
the priests you have some of the best priests of all time the tupacs the
fucking biggie smalls of
priests and you bring them back to life just like jiva fuck it you just bring jesus
back
that's what you do you have him up there right he comes down from the fucking
all pixelated coming
down from the ceiling you know what i mean and people don't believe it's him at
first oh what are
you did you fucking make that you shoot that with a potato laughing my ass off
on the floor over here
shaking my head that guy you know you gotta take a little shit from the twitter
rotsy right and then
all of a sudden you just you just keep saying no that's actually jesus right
and if you watch that
thing on scientology like i did you know what i mean what you learn other than
the fact that it
just takes 2600 lawsuits at the same time and the irs will cave uh that's the
only thing i learned
other than that is is that you know is that they draw they dress like they're
in buck rogers
which is you know it's kind of cool right i'm gonna do space movies now i don't
know what the
fuck i'm saying you get some flat screens right you get some chinese food you
go easy with the guilt
and you bring them back you know and you try as hard as you can to not fuck any
more children and i
think you could turn this business around this is like that's what is that what
is that show where
the guy comes in and he tries to to fix your bar what's it called bar fixer huh
dive doctor
whatever the fuck there's some stupid name right he comes in your fucking beer
tap smell like my
wife's vagina on july when she gets off an elliptical right just
screaming at people about their dumb ass bars you just got to do that with the
catholic church you
just go in there screaming why is that guy fucking a child right and you turn
the whole fucking thing
around what would it be it's got to be a legit alliteration like christ fixer
but it's got to be
with another c cry christ crier
jesus jamming i don't know what the fuck you call it christian mingle how bad
is that christian
mingle how fucking creepy is mingle let's get on here mingle i really want to
see your tits it just
seems like you'd just be mumbling a bunch of shit i don't want to see your tits
i don't know three way