Name: Bill Burr - Congratulations Duke Blue Devils
Uploaded: 2015-04-10T13:37:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Congratulations Duke Blue Devils' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-04-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Congratulations Duke Blue Devils' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-04-10. Transcript available.

All right, so what has happened over the last couple of days since I last
talked to you?
Well, I lost money by betting on Wisconsin.
I bet a steak dinner with Keith Robinson.
But either way, I get to have dinner with Keith Robinson.
So it was really a win-win.
You know what I mean?
He's such a sharp dresser, you know, man of the world, renaissance man.
He can discuss everything from earth, wind, and fire to the gap band.
Now, we were talking shit the entire time, and I don't know.
I don't know shit about basketball, but I'm going to tell you why I would not
draft Okafor in the first round.
I think that guy is a classic waste of a first-round draft pick.
I think he's a freshman.
He's probably a sophomore.
But I'm telling you, he should have been destroying that fucking jam band guy
on fucking Wisconsin, number 44, you know, with his Kevin McHale 2.0 fucking
moves.
I don't know why everybody just, if you're a big man, all right, if you're a
man who's big and you play the game of basketball, as Michael Jordan used to
say.
He never used to say basketball.
It was always the game of basketball.
Kind of like that Mike and Mike guy who always goes, the National Football
League.
I'll tell you right now, you're going to have a lot of problems covering
somebody in the National Football League.
The fuck was I saying?
Yeah, I don't know why every big man just doesn't go out.
Like if Dwight Howard just went out and stole five fucking moves from Kevin McHale
and five fucking moves from Akeem Olajuwon.
The fucking guy would be unstoppable.
If he just did that, right?
And he stole a heart and stuck it in his chest.
I think that guy, I think that guy could be dominant.
Fucking guy's a superhero.
The guy's goddamn bicep is bigger than his head.
It's fucking unbelievable.
You couldn't draw a guy in better shape than him.
What is he doing?
He goes on Ellen and he dances around.
Right then as a Celtics fan, I'm like, the Lakers aren't winning a championship.
Kobe's not going to pass the ball to this guy.
He would have had to come on screaming like fucking Pau Grasol, punching his
chest, freaking out Ellen.
I don't even know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, Okafor.
I'll tell you why I wouldn't draft him.
If I had to go back and if I was working for like the Bobcats or whoever the
fuck's going to draft him because you know he's going to go early.
All right?
This is what I would say.
I would just say, yeah, listen, I don't think we should draft this guy in the
first round.
I think it's a waste of money.
And they would say, why, you uncoordinated, unathletic, balding fuck?
And I'd be like, you know, that's a little harsh, okay?
You know, you fucking asked me to do the goddamn job.
Excuse my French, okay?
And I'm doing the job and you come in and you, what's the deal?
If I don't agree with you, you're going to insult me?
I'd never say that because I'd be fucking, I'd be working for this guy.
So I'd be like, yeah, you know, I am.
I am a balding fucking loser, right?
Take the paycheck, get in my car and scream at the windshield the whole way
home.
Saying all the shit I really wished I had the balls to say.
And I'd walk in the door and my wife would see that beaten man.
You know, next thing you know, she's looking at the fucking neighbors.
Getting bent over a hedge there.
This is what I would say.
I would say, don't draft him.
And they would say, why?
Look at his stats.
Look what he did.
Look at all this stuff.
All the spreadsheets across the table.
Why wouldn't you draft this guy in the first round?
I'd say it's simple.
The man breathes through his mouth.
Over.
Guy breathes through his mouth.
I don't give a fuck what he does on the court.
All right?
And old jam band there was fucking going up and under all the time,
even before he got into foul trouble.
And he sat on the goddamn bench, breathing through his mouth,
while two freshmen, one who looked like he was in Lord of the Rings,
little elfin-looking dude, Eddie Munster-looking guy, right?
Just fucking draining him.
Then that number three or whatever he was,
that guy, I swear to God,
he hits like a fucking three-pointer,
and I think he screamed for like a minute.
Comes down, hits a three-pointer.
Like, what is wrong with you?
You would have thought he won a Kia or something with that shot.
I don't fucking get it.
Did he bet the game?
I mean, I know it was for a championship,
but even that reaction,
it's like the middle of the fucking game.
He's screaming like he just won it.
That's that new shit.
That's that shit that makes me feel old.
I literally watched the game going like,
what are these guys screaming about?
You just hit a bucket to go up 58-54.
Stop yelling and get back on D.
Oh, and they dunk the ball,
and then they stare at the crowd.
Like, oh my God, can you believe what I just did?
Yes!
You did it in other games.
That's why I bought a fucking ticket.
I came in to watch you do that.
By the way, you see that guy who just scored?
That was your fucking guy.
Just negating what the fuck you did,
because no matter how hard you throw it down,
you're still just getting two points.
Get the fuck back on defense, you cunt.
Who's tough on his podcast?
I am.
Huh?
I'm tough on my podcast.
Bill Burr, tough on the podcast.
Fucking sweetheart in public.
How are you, everybody?
Give him a microphone.
Instant cunt.
I was singing...
I was singing Beatles songs today
with domestic violence lyrics,
and that'll put you in a great mood.
You know?
I punch you in the face, bitch,
and you know it's true.
It just makes you laugh as you drive down the street.
Does that mean you advocate that behavior?
When we return controversy on the Thursday afternoon podcast,
my name's Trip Tripper,
and you're watching the Thursday edition.
I'm sorry.
What the fuck am I talking about?
Yeah, so congratulations to the Duke Blue Devils.
First of all, congratulations with being in the South
and being able to keep the name Blue Devil.
I'm surprised, considering the Devil Rays had to change that.
I mean, how many fucking pussies live in Tampa?
Or how strong are the fucking pussies that live in fucking Tampa,
I should say?
How big is that group?
How many people do you need in a group to really affect change like that?
How many fucking whining cunts do you need
to change the name of a baseball team?
You know what I mean?
Or how bad, actually, you know what the reality is?
How bad is your attendance that you're trying to get those 40 cunts
that, you know, I don't know, what are they doing?
You know what I mean?
I think if you can't handle devil in a name,
I don't think you're going to go to a baseball game
because you're not going to want to sit there amongst all those sinners, right?
Abusing the devil alcohol.
Using the Lord's name in vain.
Cussing and swearing and otherwise.
Words that mean the same thing, right?
You're not going to the game.
I don't fucking understand it.
So congratulations to them.
Duke on Tobacco Road.
Big game of basketball.
We take it seriously down there.
We take it seriously.
We take basketball seriously down here.
North Carolina.
North Cackalacky.
We take it so seriously,
we didn't even notice we won a Stanley Cup.
What is that thing?
Why would you have a spit tune so fucking high?
Am I supposed to stand on the table and spit in that fucking thing?
Get it out of here.