Name: Bill Burr - Soft Spreadable Butter
Uploaded: 2015-04-10T13:45:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Soft Spreadable Butter' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-04-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Soft Spreadable Butter' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-04-10. Transcript available.

All right, here's another being married story, all right?
Just the shit that will fucking, that will really drive you up the fucking wall
unless you can figure out a cute way to bring it up, all right?
I'm coming home from the gym, all right?
We don't have any food in the house.
I don't know why.
Probably because we ate it all and didn't go to the supermarket.
That's usually how you run out of food, but who knows, you know?
You might have a fucking mouse.
I don't know.
Oh, Jesus, this fucking podcast is going off the rails here.
Let's get to the thing here.
So I fucking come home to make some toast, right?
We don't have any lunch meat.
We got nothing, so I'm like, all right, fuck this shit.
I'm just going to make a fucking piece of toast, right?
Peanut butter and jelly on top of it.
That'll fill me up.
Bowl of cereal, who gives a fuck, okay?
Great after-workout.
Great after-workout fucking meal.
So I show up.
I put the piece of bread, it's a crust, all the way down to the end.
This sounds like a fucking, like one of those fairy tales.
Like I should be scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush, the level of lack of
food here.
So it's the crust, the last piece.
I put it in the toaster.
I get the peanut butter, the peanut butter, and I get the jelly.
And now I'm looking for the fucking table butter.
Where is it?
Where the fuck is it?
And I immediately start muttering to myself.
Did she put it in the fucking fridge?
Why does she always put it in the fucking fridge?
You know, there's fucking hard butter in the fridge.
You know, you, you, you.
I don't know about you guys, but I like soft, spreadable butter for my toast.
I don't want fucking hard as a rock, and then I'm going through the bread.
So, you know, the old me, the old me would have flipped out.
Like, why the fuck do you, like, you know, Nia, why the fuck do you keep
putting the fucking, you know, I would have been an idiot about it.
But I didn't, I wrote her a note instead.
I wrote, Nia, I think it's time we talked about soft, spreadable butter.
I like soft, spreadable butter.
It's great for toast, waffles, and I imagine pancakes, too.
There's already hard butter in the fridge, so there's no reason to add to it
and eliminate all options for soft, spreadable butter.
It's not the summer, so don't be a bummer.
Say yes to soft, spreadable butter.
Bill.
She came in laughing her ass off.
She still didn't understand my point.
I explained it to her.
She laughed, and she said okay, and she left.
So there you go.
And that's one to grow on.
Always use sense of humor when you can.
If you get the fucking broads laughing, once their titties start jiggling, you're
fucking home free.
Oh, what a douche.
You know, there was such a cute little story there, and I had to ruin it with
my fucking, my, my, my biggest behavior.
Look, and by the way, for all you butter cunts out there, I realize in the
summertime, if it gets really hot, it can totally melt, okay?
That's why I threw in the summer thing, because I was trying to think, well,
how is she going to fucking argue this?
So I think she understands it now, all right?
I am a waffle-making motherfucker.
I don't know if you guys know that, man.
I fucking got that shit down.
I make them all the time.
I enjoy them.