Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Roll The Dice (Threesome)
Uploaded: 2015-04-21T14:10:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Roll The Dice (Threesome)' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-04-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Roll The Dice (Threesome)' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-04-21. Transcript available.

Alright, roll the dice. Dear Bill, my wife has a friend who we've known for a
long time and happens to be very attractive.
Let me read this again. My wife's, my wife's, you have more than one wife here,
buddy?
My wife has a friend who we've known for a long time and happens to be very
attractive.
Okay, so you've already rubbed one out to her. Possibly thought about her while
you're banging your wife.
Okay, the other day, over a couple of drinks with my wife, she admits that she
wants to experience a threesome and she wants it to be with us.
Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. Here we go. Here we go.
Jesus, we should have closed with this question. This is a closing bit right
here.
When my wife first tells me this, you can imagine my excitement.
But then she adds the kicker. Her friend, while confessing her desire for a threesome,
adds that she has genital herpes.
Boom, boom, ba-dum, boom.
Wow.
I did not see that left turn coming.
But she swears that it is dormant and we're not at risk.
Well, how do you think she got it?
Oh, that's such a stupid thing to say. Maybe she fucked some guy.
You know, you always have to fucking, you know, look out for the women in these.
Maybe she fucked some douchebag, scumbag guy.
Have you seen that fucking, they got a billboard out in L.A.
It says, do you trust him?
And there's a guy laying there with this shifty look on his face with this
woman looking at him.
HIV positive, you know, type of thing.
They would never have a billboard, do you trust her?
It's un-fucking-believable.
Like, you know, I saw one time one of these magazines, right, where it says,
you know, reasons women cheat.
Top ten reasons women cheat.
And the top eight out of ten were because of something the guy was doing.
It's fucking unbelievable.
Anyways, plowing ahead.
I am close to your age, so I ask you, do you roll the dice and go for it
knowing that this may be your last shot of the threesome, or do you play it
safe and politely decline the offer?
Thanks and go fuck yourself, in parentheses, with protection.
No, dude, you can't do that.
You cannot do that.
Because right now, you're going to have a fucking threesome, all right?
Even if you did that, it's going to make it weird between you and your wife.
It just is.
As much as you're going to try to be cool, it's, you know, you'll be cool with
it.
She won't be.
On some level, she won't be.
You fucking moaned a little too much with the other one.
It's going to be a fucking shit show.
All right, and then on top of that, you're going to be reminded once a goddamn
month that you did it.
Fuck that.
Fuck all of that.
All right?
This is the deal.
All right?
If your wife is willing to fucking do it, why don't you do it with somebody who's,
you know what I mean, who doesn't have any prior convictions here.
All right?
Get somebody with a clean slate.
And, but, I don't know.
I am sort of a firm believer that you can't do that with your wife.
You do that with somebody that you're not going to be married to.
I just think, you know, I don't know.
You ever see that shit when people, like, fucking drink too much water and they
die because, like, the walls of their cells, like, burst open?
Like, that's what I think happens when you have a threesome with your wife and
somebody else.
And it's basically the lining to your relationship.
It's fucking, it's split.
It's done.
It's over.
Right?
And then it becomes, then her next thing's going to be like, well, let's do it
again.
This time, can we do it with a guy?
And, well, no, I don't want to do it with a fucking guy because there's nothing
in it for me.
You know what I mean?
What the fuck?
Well, there was nothing.
Fuck you.
You enjoy it.
Women can enjoy other women.
You know?
Then you get into that.
Well, that's a double fucking standard.
Ah, go suck a dick already.
Leave me out of it.
I'll be downstairs.
You know, you're just walking into that whole fucking world.
Jesus Christ.
But, you know, you got to give it up to this woman for just being totally up
front.
Gee, I mean, that, look, there's something going on.
The fact that you're excited by this and not shocked and that your wife is
willing to do it.
All right.
You guys all seem like this is all pretty loosey-goosey here.
I don't know, dude.
Even with protection, they say you can still get it.
Dude, fuck that.
I don't know.
I wouldn't do it.
I would politely decline.
And then ask for references.
If she has anybody she knows that doesn't have herpes that wants to do it.
I don't know what to tell you here, buddy.
I would say don't listen to your dick.
What would you tell a friend of yours if they were in that position?
Oh, my God.
I guess the question I haven't asked is how hot is this woman?
Is it worth the risk?
I don't know.
You know what it is?
I just I can't get beyond like what is the conversation afterwards?
Okay.
You guys bang.
First of all, do not bang in your own fucking house.
Okay.
You want to walk away from that crime scene.
You understand?
All right.
But then you got to be thinking like, okay, then you get in the car.
No, fuck that.
You got to have that.
You know.
That awkward goodbye.
Like, oh, yeah, that was.
That was fine.
Hopefully it went well.
Hopefully you don't get so excited, sir, that you fucking, you know, you get a
false start there.
Right?
Let's just hope the whole fucking thing goes well.
And then you got, you got that ride home in the car.
You know, you both get in there.
You're both trying to make, you don't want to.
You don't know what to say, so you're just making noises, like sitting down,
like, ah, putting on the radio.
You look like they got a, uh, they got a new Costco down here, huh?
You know, God knows where the fuck her head's at.
And I'll tell you this right now.
There's no fucking way she's not going to ask some questions.
So, you know, like, what are you thinking right now?
Ugh.
You know what I'm thinking?
I'm thinking, fuck you.
Don't even start this shit.
Now, listen to the thing.
I think you have to have that conversation beforehand.
If you're going to do it, you got to say to your wife, all right, here's the
deal.
We're going to do this shit, but no being fucking weird afterwards.
All right?
None of this, did you like it?
Did you enjoy her more than me?
None of that.
That's all off the table.
All right?
Then what do you do?
Then she's sitting on it.
And then, you know what she'd do?
Then she'll start crying.
I know.
I know that doesn't say anything, but, you know, I do have feelings.
I'm just presenting the worst case scenario.
Or, even worse, she fucking loves it.
And wants to do it all the time.
And then that just leads to, just, ah, it's going to lead to other shit.
It's going to lead to other shit.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Who knows?
It could be fun.
It could be fun.
I just presented all the hazards that could possibly happen.
Who knows, man?
You could fucking go do it.
Bing, bang, boom.
You guys never fucking talk about it again.
You get to check that off the list.
You know, you stare at your dick for a good 30 to 60 days.
Nothing looks funny down there.
And, you know what?
You got away with it.
Just like Woody Allen in Crime and Punishment, right?
You just sort of get away with it.
Who knows?
Maybe it happens.
I don't know.
All right.
And with that, stamps.com, everybody.