Name: Bill Burr - Bible Belt Tour (Savannah, Knoxville) Part 1
Uploaded: 2015-04-21T14:37:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bible Belt Tour (Savannah, Knoxville) Part 1' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-04-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bible Belt Tour (Savannah, Knoxville) Part 1' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-04-21. Transcript available.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for
Monday, April 20th.
April 20th, how you doing? What's going on? Talking to you from the road.
Don't you know? Sorry. I'm in the middle of nowhere, man. I'm in fucking Chattanooga,
Tennessee.
And I haven't seen shit. I haven't seen shit here yet. I ain't seen shit here
yet.
I'm in the middle of the Southern Tour here, traveling on the bus, fueling up
next to truckers.
It's a whole other world, man. A whole other world, those truck drivers, you
know?
But you know what? I only saw one real fat one. I saw one fatty.
You know, one big guy was just like, dude, you need to start jogging some laps
around your truck, man.
That's got to be the hardest fucking job to stay in shape. Holy shit.
There's one guy that's fucking sitting there. He's got a dog in there, you know?
How the fuck do you make any time when you've got a dog?
I mean, you've got to fucking pull over every couple hours, right?
I guess you've got to get gas anyways.
I think you've got to take a shit, you know?
It's like you can just fucking pull it over. It's a goddamn 18-wheeler.
Oh, an 18-wheeler!
All right, anyway, so we're on the Southern tour here.
We did Savannah the first night, and just a great crowd, beautiful city, and,
you know, the usual shit.
Me and Ian, fucking lawhead, we flew out on the 17th because we're coming from
the West Coast, and we show up.
You know, we don't have a vehicle. We're staying out by the airport, so we're
nowhere near downtown Savannah.
I didn't see anything in Savannah. I didn't see Old Town. I didn't see shit.
I always wanted to go there. I never even got to it because we were staying way
out by the airport, and the bus hadn't shown up yet, right?
So we say to the lady downstairs, right, first of all, they fucking check in.
She takes my driver's license, and, as always, just starts typing shit in.
I go, what are you doing? She goes, I'm typing in your home address, and it's
just like, for what?
Well, just in case you leave something? Well, if I leave something of value, I'll
call you guys.
I'll notice, and then I'll call you guys, and then you guys, of course, will
say you couldn't find it because it was of value.
The housekeeper that you're not paying shit is going to keep it.
There's no reason for you to fucking take my home address.
You're just going to sell it to somebody else and make a little bit of money.
So today I went to go check in the hotel, and she takes my fucking driver's
license.
She goes, type in. I said, what are you doing?
She goes, I'm typing in your home address, and I go, I don't want you to do
that.
She goes, you don't want me to do that?
I said, yes, I don't want you to do that.
She goes, okay, how about just a zip code?
And I said, no.
And she said, okay.
So that's what I learned today.
It's fucking optional.
Fucking assholes.
Just fucking take your ID.
Just tell them these people to just start fucking typing your goddamn address
in there.
What the fuck are you doing?
I'm renting a room.
Here's my credit card.
Here's my ID saying that's my credit card.
Now fuck off and give me a room.
You got to know where I live?
Huh?
You fucking weirdos.
I'm telling you people, don't do that.
Don't do that.
Because they upload it onto their shit, and then it's just out there.
The next thing you know, I don't know what.
If you're lucky, you're just getting spammed by a red roof in.
Getting shit sent to you directly.
If you're really unlucky, I don't know what happens.
Somehow they fucking steal your identity.
Somebody shows up at your fucking house.
Either way, it's rude, and it's completely fucking unnecessary.
And I'll tell you right now, this freckled-faced cunt is against it.
100%.
100%.
So anyways, so we say to the lady downstairs at the hotel, we're like, so, you
know, we walk in, right?
I see Lawhead.
Lawhead sees me.
We obviously know we're going to start drinking immediately.
And I ask, you know, we walk in, is the hotel bar still open?
She's like, no, no, it isn't, it just closed.
I'm sorry.
You want me to go make you some?
You're down south.
We're really polite.
And I was like, no, that's all right.
You don't have to make us some.
Is there a bar nearby?
And she goes, yeah, there's one on Ham Street.
And I'm like, all right.
Can you walk there from there?
She's like, oh, no, no.
Y'all can't walk there from here.
You can't walk all.
It's too far.
You can't.
Why?
You're going to get attacked by a wildcat or something.
And I was just like, all right, well, let me look this fucking thing up.
And I looked it up.
It was like, it was like a fucking, barely a mile away.
You know?
It's like, what do you mean you can't fucking walk?
So we fucking walk over there.
We literally walk half the, half a mile of the walk was getting out of the
goddamn fucking hotel area.
And then we just look down the streets.
We see lights.
We see civilization.
Ah, you can't walk down.
I mean, you could do it.
But I mean, I don't know what would happen to you.
So we go all the way down.
She didn't even talk like that.
I just like the southern accent and fucking annoying people from where I'm
touring.
So we fucking head all the way down there.
We end up walking to this bar.
There's this little band in there.
Guy on guitar and a guy playing drums.
They're both killing it, singing all this shit from the 90s, fucking tremendous.
We're fucking drinking, right?
The only thing that sucked was they were giving us shots of Jameson and glasses
that they had just taken out of the dishwasher.
So the glass was between warm and kind of hot.
It was gross.
It was making me sick to my stomach.
But I kept drinking.
And I don't know what happened.
We just sat there laughing our asses off.
We were watching some game.
I don't even know what the fuck we were watching.
And next thing you know, I looked up and we were the only two people left in
the place.
And we were too drunk to fucking walk back.
We didn't want to.
So the dude at the bar, this gay dude, who was wearing a kilt for whatever
fucking reason,
I think because it was an Irish bar, he gave us a ride home.
So that's how it started.
He was a great guy.
He came walking over and he just took our fucking beers, put them in paper cups,
and he just let us drink it that last little mile on the way home.
And then I walked in to the hotel and I said to the lady, you know, hey, can
you still order room service?
Is there any way we can order some service up to the room?
Some service room, room service stuff?
She's like, oh, no, no, kitchen's closed.
This kitchen's already closed.
I'm sorry, y'all.
You want me to go outside and go kill a fathom for y'all?
Cook it up.
I'll bread it.
I'll deep fry it.
Make you some dumplings.
And we were like, no, no, that's cool.
That's cool.
And I went over and I bought a bag of fucking potato chips.
I went upstairs and laid in bed drunk and ate a bag of chips and fell asleep.
That's how the tour started.
Remember I told you guys I was going to try to not put on any weight?
That's how it started.
That's what set the fucking tone, right?
Then the next day the goddamn bus pulls up, right?
The bus pulls up and we see that thing and it's just, I don't know.
We've actually been doing pretty good though as far as, you know, I went out
and I got some cereal.
I got corn checks, right?
I got some bananas.
That's my breakfast.
And then I got some turkey.
Did all of this in Walmart.
So God knows what level of quality this shit actually is.
Oh my God, dude, you go into a Walmart.
Holy shit.
You cannot believe the loss of hope in those fucking people's eyes.
This fucking lady, this fucking lady, when I went up to the deli, I mean, I was
just like, hey, how you doing?
I'm fucking turning on the charm.
Hey, what's going on?
How are you?
And she just fucking looking at me.
She's like, what do you want?
Just like, uh, can I get a pound of that smoked turkey, please?
She's like, is that it?
I was like, uh, you know, come in, you're real high.
Hey, how you doing?
And somebody just fucking hits you with your attitude and you immediately got
to adjust all the way down to them.
You know, it's like the way I lost out on the negotiations last week on the rug,
you know?
And, um, so I go from, hey, how's it going, tell me, uh, yeah, I'll have some,
uh, have some turkey.
She's like, that it?
That it?
That's what she said, that it?
And I was like, uh, I can't get like, you know, 15 slices of cheese.
You know, white cheddar, white American, whatever you got.
She's like, yep.
She fucking goes over and just cuts it up.
And like, I can't even tell you the way she like handed it to me while just
sort of looking off into the distance down the aisles, you know?
And, uh, it's just, you know, so now, you know, I'm, I'm shaking it off, right?
I'm getting some fucking condiments for the sandwich.
I got pickles.
I got my mustard and I get, I get down to the booze.
I realized I don't have any hard stuff.
So I throw in a six of fucking blue moon, whatever.
That's the best I got here.
And these fucking assholes have the nerve on a Sunday to not let me buy a six
pack of beer.
The lady took it away from me.
I had it on the little conveyor belt and she's fucking, you know, boop, boop,
corn checks, boop, right?
Half gallon of 2% milk, boop, everything's going fine.
And then she goes, uh, she goes, I can't let you have this and took it away
from me and set it on the other side of the register.
Like I was going to lunge after it or something.
I can't let you have this.
It's before 1230 on a Sunday.
And I was just, I, it's like, are we fucking adults here?
You already, I'll do, I'll.
The way they fucking treat their employees there, how bad, how poorly Walmart
treats their fucking employees.
They're going to have the nerve to not let people drink before noon.
They should be letting those people drink on the job.
How fucking miserable they treat those damn people.
How do I know they treat them miserably?
I don't know.
I've just heard they have.
They won't give me my beer.
So now I'm trashing them.
That's what I'm doing.
I'll tell you, they got some fucking clothes in there though.
They got some decent clothes.
You know, if you just adjust your ego down a little bit, they got some decent
clothes in Walmart.
Like you could make it work.
You know, if you, if you, maybe if you just fucking spent a little more money
on your pants, nah, nah, nah.
You know what you got to, this is what you got to do.
If you're going to fucking go cheap on something, you can't do anything near
eye level.
You can't, you can't get away with a cheap shirt.
You know what I mean?
You just got to buy a real nice shirt.
Then the rest of it can look like shit, but you have to be charismatic to keep
people looking you in the eye.
Because the second you start losing their intention, your, their attention, you
know, and they start looking down at the guy like,
I got, why am I looking at this motherfucker?
Why am I talking to him?
Right.
They're going to see your shoes and it's going to be over.
And they're going to be like, this motherfucker shops at Walmart.
He goes down to Wally World.
Shit.
We all do.
We all go down there to buy fucking an eight pound box of fucking Wheaties.
We all do that shit.
But this guy actually goes down there and buys the shirts.
And I know what you're saying right now.
Bill, why are you making fun of people who can't afford to shop any place else
other than Walmart?
And there's a simple answer to that.
They're not in the room with me right now.
Okay.
They can't do me any harm.
And I am unbelievably tough on my podcast.
I'll fucking trash anybody.
Um, you know, my dream is, is that people who wear Walmart clothes climb over
the walls of gated community someday and they just start murdering bankers and
heads of corporations.
Okay.
And then in the fight, everybody dies.
So then you weed out your mouth breathing racists.
Okay.
And they're spawned.
And then you get rid of the guys up top.
And then what you got in the middle is a bunch of regular fucking people.
Don't want to get fucked with.
They're willing to get up.
Go down the street, you know, sell some apples, come home.
Right.
That's what I do in my dream world.
I have no idea what I'm talking about.
How much bullshit did I just throw at yourself?

Bill Burr - Bible Belt Tour (Savannah, Knoxville) Part 1

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for
Monday, April 20th.
April 20th, how you doing? What's going on? Talking to you from the road.
Don't you know? Sorry. I'm in the middle of nowhere, man. I'm in fucking Chattanooga,
Tennessee.
And I haven't seen shit. I haven't seen shit here yet. I ain't seen shit here
yet.
I'm in the middle of the Southern Tour here, traveling on the bus, fueling up
next to truckers.
It's a whole other world, man. A whole other world, those truck drivers, you
know?
But you know what? I only saw one real fat one. I saw one fatty.
You know, one big guy was just like, dude, you need to start jogging some laps
around your truck, man.
That's got to be the hardest fucking job to stay in shape. Holy shit.
There's one guy that's fucking sitting there. He's got a dog in there, you know?
How the fuck do you make any time when you've got a dog?
I mean, you've got to fucking pull over every couple hours, right?
I guess you've got to get gas anyways.
I think you've got to take a shit, you know?
It's like you can just fucking pull it over. It's a goddamn 18-wheeler.
Oh, an 18-wheeler!
All right, anyway, so we're on the Southern tour here.
We did Savannah the first night, and just a great crowd, beautiful city, and,
you know, the usual shit.
Me and Ian, fucking lawhead, we flew out on the 17th because we're coming from
the West Coast, and we show up.
You know, we don't have a vehicle. We're staying out by the airport, so we're
nowhere near downtown Savannah.
I didn't see anything in Savannah. I didn't see Old Town. I didn't see shit.
I always wanted to go there. I never even got to it because we were staying way
out by the airport, and the bus hadn't shown up yet, right?
So we say to the lady downstairs, right, first of all, they fucking check in.
She takes my driver's license, and, as always, just starts typing shit in.
I go, what are you doing? She goes, I'm typing in your home address, and it's
just like, for what?
Well, just in case you leave something? Well, if I leave something of value, I'll
call you guys.
I'll notice, and then I'll call you guys, and then you guys, of course, will
say you couldn't find it because it was of value.
The housekeeper that you're not paying shit is going to keep it.
There's no reason for you to fucking take my home address.
You're just going to sell it to somebody else and make a little bit of money.
So today I went to go check in the hotel, and she takes my fucking driver's
license.
She goes, type in. I said, what are you doing?
She goes, I'm typing in your home address, and I go, I don't want you to do
that.
She goes, you don't want me to do that?
I said, yes, I don't want you to do that.
She goes, okay, how about just a zip code?
And I said, no.
And she said, okay.
So that's what I learned today.
It's fucking optional.
Fucking assholes.
Just fucking take your ID.
Just tell them these people to just start fucking typing your goddamn address
in there.
What the fuck are you doing?
I'm renting a room.
Here's my credit card.
Here's my ID saying that's my credit card.
Now fuck off and give me a room.
You got to know where I live?
Huh?
You fucking weirdos.
I'm telling you people, don't do that.
Don't do that.
Because they upload it onto their shit, and then it's just out there.
The next thing you know, I don't know what.
If you're lucky, you're just getting spammed by a red roof in.
Getting shit sent to you directly.
If you're really unlucky, I don't know what happens.
Somehow they fucking steal your identity.
Somebody shows up at your fucking house.
Either way, it's rude, and it's completely fucking unnecessary.
And I'll tell you right now, this freckled-faced cunt is against it.
100%.
100%.
So anyways, so we say to the lady downstairs at the hotel, we're like, so, you
know, we walk in, right?
I see Lawhead.
Lawhead sees me.
We obviously know we're going to start drinking immediately.
And I ask, you know, we walk in, is the hotel bar still open?
She's like, no, no, it isn't, it just closed.
I'm sorry.
You want me to go make you some?
You're down south.
We're really polite.
And I was like, no, that's all right.
You don't have to make us some.
Is there a bar nearby?
And she goes, yeah, there's one on Ham Street.
And I'm like, all right.
Can you walk there from there?
She's like, oh, no, no.
Y'all can't walk there from here.
You can't walk all.
It's too far.
You can't.
Why?
You're going to get attacked by a wildcat or something.
And I was just like, all right, well, let me look this fucking thing up.
And I looked it up.
It was like, it was like a fucking, barely a mile away.
You know?
It's like, what do you mean you can't fucking walk?
So we fucking walk over there.
We literally walk half the, half a mile of the walk was getting out of the
goddamn fucking hotel area.
And then we just look down the streets.
We see lights.
We see civilization.
Ah, you can't walk down.
I mean, you could do it.
But I mean, I don't know what would happen to you.
So we go all the way down.
She didn't even talk like that.
I just like the southern accent and fucking annoying people from where I'm
touring.
So we fucking head all the way down there.
We end up walking to this bar.
There's this little band in there.
Guy on guitar and a guy playing drums.
They're both killing it, singing all this shit from the 90s, fucking tremendous.
We're fucking drinking, right?
The only thing that sucked was they were giving us shots of Jameson and glasses
that they had just taken out of the dishwasher.
So the glass was between warm and kind of hot.
It was gross.
It was making me sick to my stomach.
But I kept drinking.
And I don't know what happened.
We just sat there laughing our asses off.
We were watching some game.
I don't even know what the fuck we were watching.
And next thing you know, I looked up and we were the only two people left in
the place.
And we were too drunk to fucking walk back.
We didn't want to.
So the dude at the bar, this gay dude, who was wearing a kilt for whatever
fucking reason,
I think because it was an Irish bar, he gave us a ride home.
So that's how it started.
He was a great guy.
He came walking over and he just took our fucking beers, put them in paper cups,
and he just let us drink it that last little mile on the way home.
And then I walked in to the hotel and I said to the lady, you know, hey, can
you still order room service?
Is there any way we can order some service up to the room?
Some service room, room service stuff?
She's like, oh, no, no, kitchen's closed.
This kitchen's already closed.
I'm sorry, y'all.
You want me to go outside and go kill a fathom for y'all?
Cook it up.
I'll bread it.
I'll deep fry it.
Make you some dumplings.
And we were like, no, no, that's cool.
That's cool.
And I went over and I bought a bag of fucking potato chips.
I went upstairs and laid in bed drunk and ate a bag of chips and fell asleep.
That's how the tour started.
Remember I told you guys I was going to try to not put on any weight?
That's how it started.
That's what set the fucking tone, right?
Then the next day the goddamn bus pulls up, right?
The bus pulls up and we see that thing and it's just, I don't know.
We've actually been doing pretty good though as far as, you know, I went out
and I got some cereal.
I got corn checks, right?
I got some bananas.
That's my breakfast.
And then I got some turkey.
Did all of this in Walmart.
So God knows what level of quality this shit actually is.
Oh my God, dude, you go into a Walmart.
Holy shit.
You cannot believe the loss of hope in those fucking people's eyes.
This fucking lady, this fucking lady, when I went up to the deli, I mean, I was
just like, hey, how you doing?
I'm fucking turning on the charm.
Hey, what's going on?
How are you?
And she just fucking looking at me.
She's like, what do you want?
Just like, uh, can I get a pound of that smoked turkey, please?
She's like, is that it?
I was like, uh, you know, come in, you're real high.
Hey, how you doing?
And somebody just fucking hits you with your attitude and you immediately got
to adjust all the way down to them.
You know, it's like the way I lost out on the negotiations last week on the rug,
you know?
And, um, so I go from, hey, how's it going, tell me, uh, yeah, I'll have some,
uh, have some turkey.
She's like, that it?
That it?
That's what she said, that it?
And I was like, uh, I can't get like, you know, 15 slices of cheese.
You know, white cheddar, white American, whatever you got.
She's like, yep.
She fucking goes over and just cuts it up.
And like, I can't even tell you the way she like handed it to me while just
sort of looking off into the distance down the aisles, you know?
And, uh, it's just, you know, so now, you know, I'm, I'm shaking it off, right?
I'm getting some fucking condiments for the sandwich.
I got pickles.
I got my mustard and I get, I get down to the booze.
I realized I don't have any hard stuff.
So I throw in a six of fucking blue moon, whatever.
That's the best I got here.
And these fucking assholes have the nerve on a Sunday to not let me buy a six
pack of beer.
The lady took it away from me.
I had it on the little conveyor belt and she's fucking, you know, boop, boop,
corn checks, boop, right?
Half gallon of 2% milk, boop, everything's going fine.
And then she goes, uh, she goes, I can't let you have this and took it away
from me and set it on the other side of the register.
Like I was going to lunge after it or something.
I can't let you have this.
It's before 1230 on a Sunday.
And I was just, I, it's like, are we fucking adults here?
You already, I'll do, I'll.
The way they fucking treat their employees there, how bad, how poorly Walmart
treats their fucking employees.
They're going to have the nerve to not let people drink before noon.
They should be letting those people drink on the job.
How fucking miserable they treat those damn people.
How do I know they treat them miserably?
I don't know.
I've just heard they have.
They won't give me my beer.
So now I'm trashing them.
That's what I'm doing.
I'll tell you, they got some fucking clothes in there though.
They got some decent clothes.
You know, if you just adjust your ego down a little bit, they got some decent
clothes in Walmart.
Like you could make it work.
You know, if you, if you, maybe if you just fucking spent a little more money
on your pants, nah, nah, nah.
You know what you got to, this is what you got to do.
If you're going to fucking go cheap on something, you can't do anything near
eye level.
You can't, you can't get away with a cheap shirt.
You know what I mean?
You just got to buy a real nice shirt.
Then the rest of it can look like shit, but you have to be charismatic to keep
people looking you in the eye.
Because the second you start losing their intention, your, their attention, you
know, and they start looking down at the guy like,
I got, why am I looking at this motherfucker?
Why am I talking to him?
Right.
They're going to see your shoes and it's going to be over.
And they're going to be like, this motherfucker shops at Walmart.
He goes down to Wally World.
Shit.
We all do.
We all go down there to buy fucking an eight pound box of fucking Wheaties.
We all do that shit.
But this guy actually goes down there and buys the shirts.
And I know what you're saying right now.
Bill, why are you making fun of people who can't afford to shop any place else
other than Walmart?
And there's a simple answer to that.
They're not in the room with me right now.
Okay.
They can't do me any harm.
And I am unbelievably tough on my podcast.
I'll fucking trash anybody.
Um, you know, my dream is, is that people who wear Walmart clothes climb over
the walls of gated community someday and they just start murdering bankers and
heads of corporations.
Okay.
And then in the fight, everybody dies.
So then you weed out your mouth breathing racists.
Okay.
And they're spawned.
And then you get rid of the guys up top.
And then what you got in the m