Name: Bill Burr - Cry Baby Colts
Uploaded: 2015-05-07T13:12:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Cry Baby Colts' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-05-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Cry Baby Colts' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-05-07. Transcript available.

Fuck the world of sports for a second.
Let's get into the world of nothing.
That actually includes the world of sports today.
So evidently they were still investigating
the under-inflated balls.
Remember that game the Patriots won
like fucking nine years ago,
way back in January?
Do you remember that?
Let me refresh your memory.
They won 45-7.
Okay, and at the end of the game,
Jim Irsay said,
That's what he said.
A grown man said that at the end of the game.
He had the nerve to say that we cheated.
A man who sits on the rules committee of the NFL
and on numerous occasions has changed rules
that were advantageous for his own fucking team
because he couldn't beat those Patriots from New England.
He did that fucking 10 years ago.
They cheated.
They were covering our receivers too hard.
Him and Peyton Manning made a fucking tape.
They whined about that after the game.
They whined about it during the Super Bowl.
They whined about it at the fucking Pro Bowl.
Peyton Manning brought that shit up.
And then at the draft,
they were still crying about it.
And the next thing you know,
there's this new fucking rule
saying that all you can do
is escort people down the fucking goddamn turf.
And the next thing you know,
all of Dan Marino's records
have fallen left and right.
And lo and behold,
the Colts finally beat the fucking Patriots
and win a goddamn Super Bowl.
And that's when old Freckles here said,
Wait a minute.
Why the fuck did they change that?
What kind of fucking poll does this guy have?
One fucking owner complains.
They make a tape.
They whine for a couple of months.
And all of a sudden,
the entire game of covering a receiver gets changed.
Who sits on this rule committee?
And one name stuck out.
Like that fucking Oliver Stone JFK movie.
Who's sitting there dressed in drag
with a powdered fucking wig
talking to Joe Pesci
with lipstick on his fucking lips?
Huh?
Old Jim Irsay.
This fucking jerk off
is sitting here whining
about the New England Patriots.
First of all, the ball, okay,
if they were underinflated, right?
Like they're suggesting.
I don't even know what they're saying
because they keep going like,
Tom Brady, he could know.
He could possibly.
There's no proof.
But we think he might have done it.
Do you know how fast
you would get laughed out of court
if that was your opening argument?
Yeah, your honor,
on the night in question,
we are proliferating
proliferating that the defendant
in the proximity over there
of that wooden table
could possibly have been involved
in something that he didn't do
but maybe knew about?
And we would like to press forward
with this trial
and waste more fucking time and money.
Now, granted,
having absolutely no fucking proof
what so fucking ever,
what so a fucking ever,
has never stopped
sports talk radio
or ESPN
from marching ahead.
They'll be like,
there's no proof,
we can't say it.
But having said that,
if this is true,
what does this say?
What does,
what does this say?
Sorry thing turned out.
What does this say
about his legacy?
What does this say
about the game,
about competition?
What does it say?
What is this going to do?
What does it say
to the children?
This is how you do
sports talk radio
and all they're doing
is staring
at the phone lines
to try to get it lit up
and the more
it doesn't light up,
the bigger they go.
What does it say
about
how we conduct
our foreign affairs
with ISIS?
I mean,
if you can have a ball
that isn't
fully inflated,
what's to say
that ISIS
isn't
right off the shore
in a sub
that they bought
off of the Russians?
We're taking calls
right now,
1-800-who-gives-a-fuck
here on Fox Sports West.
First caller,
Michael
from Indianapolis.
Yeah,
you know,
I sit on a farm
every day
jerking my dick,
waiting for my pigs
to fuck a chicken
and I think
Tom Brady knew about it.
You do?
You do think
he knew about it
and,
whoa,
whoa,
whoa,
do you have
any sort of
football background
beyond watching
your pig
fucking a chicken?
Is there any sort
of sports
professional
or possibly
just down at the Y?
I played
tatering rinks
one time.
I like playing
cornhole
and,
you know,
I play horseshoe
every once in a while
and we got the time,
you know,
but,
you know,
the banks
were really
trying to foreclose
my property here,
so,
I don't know,
man,
I'm just kind of mad
my team lost
and if there's any
fucking excuse
I can make
six months later,
I mean,
shit,
I'll call it.
Shit,
man,
I'll throw some
fucking manure
on that fire,
I'll do it,
fuck it.
We're taking
all calls here.
That's all
they're going
to fucking do.
There's absolutely
fucking,
there's nothing
going on here.
It's over.
You know,
I'm going to tip
my cap here
that I'm not
wearing to
fucking Seattle
for just saying,
hey,
great game,
you know.
We threw it,
Malcolm Butler
fucking jumped
around and you
beat us,
you know what,
but you know what,
we're going to come
back next year
and we're going
to try to kick
your fucking ass.
So I hope you guys,
you hope you work
out this weekend,
this fucking off season.
You know,
that's what a team
of men does.
Okay?
That's what they do.
But when your
fucking owner is up
there with the
goddamn wearing
adult diapers
and has a rattle,
that's what they do.
Under inflated
fucking ball.
This is a funny
thing too,
because they said,
well,
we noticed it
by the half
and then we had
the fully inflated
balls and we scored
even more points
and kicked their ass
even worse.
I don't,
I got to tell you
something,
man.
I don't know
what,
I don't know
what the Patriots
have done.
I don't know
what the fuck
they did
to these people.
Okay?
And it's really
only two people.
It's fucking
Jim Marseille
and it's fucking
what's his face
there?
What is it?
Tony Mangini.
Mangini,
who you,
by the way,
you notice
is completely
out of football.
Completely
out of fucking
football.
Did you see
when he tried
to commentate
about it
on ESPN?
He sounded
dumber
than I did
and this guy
actually coached
a team.
Who the fuck
would hire him
as a head coach?
The J-E-T-S,
J-E-T-S,
J-E-T-S.
Anyways,
you know,
give me a fucking
break.
Okay?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry we won
again.
And by we,
I mean the Patriots.
I don't have a dog
I don't have a dog
in this fucking fight
but have at it
all you guys
on Twitter
and all you people
in sports bars
if you want to say
what you say
I don't give a fuck.
He's got the rings.
If you want to whine
about some
underinflated
fucking balls
if you want to
bitch
I mean,
you know what's
the dumbest thing
ever is that
don't film the teams
on the sidelines
but there's nothing
to say you can't
do it
up in the booth.
There's no rule
against that.
I hope you guys
realize that there isn't
as far as I know
as far as what I've
overheard in sports bars
there isn't.
I remember when that
shit was going on
I went to a football
game in Georgia
and I met somebody
that used to play
for one of the teams.
I'm not saying Georgia
or the other team
I'm not trying to get
anybody in trouble
and he laughed
he goes,
dude,
we used to do that shit
all the fucking time.
I love how people
just think like
all you got to do
is just film somebody
and you're going to
win four Super Bowls.
Just underinflate
the fucking ball.
Dude,
do you realize
if that was
a guaranteed
victory?
Let's just say
underinflating the ball
in an AFC
championship game
or just in a
professional football
game in general
would cause you
to beat a better
team 45 to 7.
What the fuck
do you think
they would be doing
every game?
You know
when the fucking
coach
when he runs
in during halftime
as he was sitting
there talking
to the reporter
you know
they always have
the fucking
little lady
out there
coach
you know
you're down
by 17 points
you haven't scored
you've punted
every play
that you didn't
you didn't turn
the ball over
what would you
like to do
in the second
half?
Well you know
we'd probably
like to stop
doing that shit
and put some
points on the
board there
fucking cutie pie
right?
Right?
And then meanwhile
you'd hear
in the background
they would just
be letting
you know
I know
what we're
gonna do
in the second
half
we're gonna
let a half
a fucking
cunt hair
out of the
ball
and all of a
sudden
our fuck
we're gonna
beat these
guys
we're gonna
score 45
points to this
seven
give me a
fucking
break
all right
Jesus Christ
you know
we can't
really
prove
that
he did
it
look at
this
Eric Walden
Colts linebacker
told TMZ
that it's gross
that Tom Brady
would resort
to cheating
he hasn't
been
there's nothing
that proves
that he did
anything
Wells report
stated it was
more probable
than not
that the
Patriots
quarterback
was at
least
generally
aware
of the
inappropriate
activities
dude
this is
the most
vague
horse shit
ever
it's
unfortunate
that they
did this
but there's
still the
chance
what a
fucking
good
lord
you gotta
give them
credit
they did
it
and they
got away
with it
and they
won the
Super Bowl
is this
fucking
Walden
guy
serious
you lost
45 to
fucking
seven
wow
can I
actually
how about
you guys
can you
guys
you guys
who aren't
Colts fans
or Patriots
haters
can you
guys
maybe
update
the Colts
logo
to
I don't
know
maybe
put like
one of
those little
baby
bonnets
on it
and a
fucking
rattle
yeah
that's
what it
is
everybody
they've
been
under
deflating
balls
for the
last 15
years
and they
finally
got caught
because
Tom Brady
is actually
he really
is a
sixth round
pick
and he
absolutely
stinks
and all
those
throws
that you
saw
make
you know
what
most
of
people
in the
stand
could
make
them
if you
just
under
inflated
it
just
a
little
bit
it's
incredible
it's
absolutely
incredible
and then
Andrew Luck
who had
the disadvantage
of playing
with the ball
that weighed
the same
as every
other ball
he's ever
thrown in
his
fucking
professional
career
you know
because it
was the
right weight
that caused
him to
throw
pick
sixes
and
incomplete
passes
and all
of that
it's
because
of the
weight
of the
ball
see
a lot
of
people
don't
know
that
it
really
has
nothing
to
do
with
athletic
ability
what
it
really
has
to
do
is
what
the
ball
weighs
and
all
you
need
to
do
is
just
take
a
little
bit
of
air
out
of
it
and
all
of
a
sudden
you'll
beat
the
Colts
so
bad
that
you
actually
beat
Seattle
isn't
that
incredible
that's
what
that's
the
level
of
cheating
that's
going
on
here
right
now
in
fact
what
I'm
going
to
do
during
my
run
of
dates
out
here
is
I'm
going
to
let
a little
bit
of
air
out
of
the
theater
so
people
get
a little
lightheaded
and
I'll
seem
even
funny
and
meanwhile
I'll
secretly
have
pure
oxygen
going up
my
fucking
nose
that's
what
I'm
going
to
do
this
weekend
and
then
maybe
someday
next
comedy
stop
across
the
street
will
investigate
it
let's
get
off
this
dumb
subject
because
there's
so many
sports
fans
that I
know
are
just
sitting
there
going
dude
this
is
fucking
ridiculous
but I
know
people
hate
the
Patriots
so
they'll
try to
say
that's
why
they
won
yeah
so
all
you
guys
out
in
the
West
who
can't
beat
Seattle
these
last
two
years
what
you
want
to
do
is
right
before
you
play
them
deflate
the
ball
a little
bit
in
the
first
half
win
45
to
7
against
an
incredible
opponent
and
then
somehow
you
beat
Seattle
that's
all
you
have
to
do
and
then
you
too
you
will
have
a
ring
and
I
want
to
commend
the
Colts
for
you
know
for
never
cheating
on
any
level
no
gamesmanship
whatsoever
they've
always
been
on
the
up
and
up
over
there
and
you
know
I'm
surprised
they
don't
have
those
little
Girl Scout
sashes
going
across
them
I
mean
they're
just
sewing
the
up
and
up
and
wholesome
Indianapolis
Indiana
Indiana
in general
what a
great
state
you know
what I
mean
still
keeping
the
Klan
alive
despite
the
fact
that
they're
up
north
I
mean
that's
a
special
kind
of
hatred