Name: Bill Burr - A.D.D / Attention Deficit Disorder
Uploaded: 2015-05-12T13:52:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - A.D.D / Attention Deficit Disorder' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-05-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - A.D.D / Attention Deficit Disorder' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-05-12. Transcript available.

You know, I'm thinking about this fucking ADD shit, coming from a family where
everybody sort of has it a little bit to different degrees, you know what I
mean, which just causes you to constantly be going in like a different
direction every five seconds and all that type of stuff.
I've actually made peace with it, and I don't think it's really a big deal.
When I just really sat down and I thought about it, you know, is it trying to
put you on medication?
Even my wife one time, I was just going like, you know, they got stuff, you
know, kind of takes the edge off, fucking chills you out a little bit.
And I was like, are you out of your fucking mind?
I'm not taking that stuff.
The fucking FDA doesn't even exist anymore.
It's full of a bunch of people who used to work for drug companies.
You got the nuts running the nut house.
I'm not sticking anything in my fucking body other than aspirin.
Anything that wasn't made pre-1960s, I'm not sticking it in there unless I have
a terminal disease.
And at that point, who gives a fuck?
I'll try anything.
So I actually had this conversation with her.
I had to go, do you ever think that having ADD is actually natural?
I mean, I was born that way.
You know, for you to sit there and, like, the way that they demonize that.
Oh, people have problems focusing and they can't do well in school.
Who gives a fuck?
I didn't do well in school.
I did great in life, though.
You know what I mean?
The fucking schools and most jobs is what they want you to do.
They want you to not be thinking.
Don't be fucking going all over the place.
And they're like, oh, focus on this job.
Focus on what job?
This mind-numbing fucking horse shit that's not fulfilling me on any goddamn
level?
Stack of spreadsheets?
Do you think I fucking laid in bed as a child and that's what I thought about
when I dreamed someday, oh, someday, what are you going to be, Billy?
You're going to be an astronaut?
You want to play baseball?
No, no, I want a stack of spreadsheets.
Now, here's the thing.
There's some people that are fucking into that and it gets their juices going.
Those are the people who should be doing that job.
I got to admit, with this fucking pilot shit, I had no idea how much I was into
reading charts and graphing stuff and, like, the temperature dew point and that
whole fucking formula, right?
Subtract the dew point from the temperature, divide by 4.4 and then multiply by
1,000.
I thought I'd hate that shit.
I fucking loved it.
Once I got it down and I started getting the right answers and I really started
thinking about the genius of how somebody actually came up with that, it got my
fucking brain going and I loved it.
You know what I mean?
Which brings me back to fucking math in high school, right?
Math in high school, how all of that shit is fucking unbelievable.
They're basically beginning to make you, the math that you learn in high school,
at least in my fucking country, is they're making you like a junior member of
the Freemasons.
You know, you're starting to learn the secrets of the universe with that math.
Now, if they fucking said that to start it out, you know how fucking motivated
I would have been?
This math that you're now going to embark on, that shit that we fucking taught
you for the first eight years, okay?
That's just, you know, that's just when you go down the street, you buy a loaf
of bread, you make sure they give you the right amount of change.
Okay, now this shit, I guess you should have been up there wearing, like, some
fucking, you know, secret society robe.
Dimming the lights with a flashlight under his chin, right?
Just to kick it off.
And just be like these.
These formulas we are about to show you, showing like a video of like the
fucking Big Bang and the solar system and all that shit being made, the math
you are about to embark on.
All the mysteries of the world up until this point, the mysteries that we have
unraveled, the answers to all of these mysteries will now be at your fingertips.
They'll be in your mind.
They'll be in your soul.
Right?
I would have fucking aced that class.
If you just fucking walk in day one and you write your name on the board and
you start throwing the alphabet and words in with numbers, you know?
Old freckles in the back of the class, I just shut down.
I was like, what the fuck is this?
What is this?
I don't get this.
I feel stupid.
I know.
I'm going to make the people around me laugh.
So I needed a 70.
I needed a 70 to get through this motherfucker, right?
And I ended up getting like a 68.
And I was a douche to the teacher all year.
Bad move.
Bad move when I'm coming up there with my lack of a hat in my freckled hands.
And I had like a 68 or a 69.
I was right there.
He didn't give it to me.
And I went to summer school.
And I was just like, oh, man, the summer's going to suck.
I had two weeks off and then immediately I was fucking back into summer school.
And then I got to summer school and immediately it was the best time I ever
fucking had in my life.
Because summer school is filled with a bunch of class clowns, musicians,
artistic people, people with fucking ADD and people who fucking hate authority.
It was one of the great classes I had ever been in.
I thought I was funny.
I got to those classes.
I kept my mouth shut.
I couldn't even keep up with the level of funny that was in those fucking
classes.
And just the balls that the kids had.
Truly found kids that didn't give a fuck.
It's probably the bad crowd.
But, you know something, if you take what you learn with that attitude, if you
apply it to the right areas of life, it actually can work for you.
If you apply it to the wrong areas, you end up in jail.
So, you know, you got to kind of navigate those fucking waters.
You know, if you know, if you know, if you're a natural reaction to somebody
coming in going, can I can settle down?
Can I have your attention, please?
If your natural reaction is fuck this guy, that's not exactly a bad thing.
You know what I mean?
It's not actually a good thing either.
You just got to know when to say, fuck this guy.
Or who is this guy?
Or why am I listening to this guy?
I think you should always think, why am I listening to this person?
Unless, you know, you're on some hike through the forest and you're with some
goddamn ranger and there's a grizzly bear and he turns around and be like, okay,
listen, this is really critical.
You know, then you listen.
You know, be like, who the fuck are you to tell me?
Dude, I know it's a fucking bear.
So anyways, that fucking ADD shit.
If you have ADD, don't let him put you on fucking medicine.
I'm really going like, was it Suzanne Somers that got in trouble?
It was one of those blondies.
It was the chick from the MTV thing, right?
She said a bunch of stuff where she, you know, didn't really do her homework.
What was it on?
Autistic kids, right?
Oh, was it Tom Cruise talking about psychology?
I think I'm doing this right now.
You know, what's that?
Is that the phone ringing?
Oh, Jesus.
There's the phone.
The phone's ringing.
Once they hammer it stops, then the phone goes.
1,001, 1,000, 2,000, 3,000 rings.
Come on, give me four.
Over and under, I say six before it's picked up.
Come on, five.
Here's five.
Here comes a push.
Ties lose, ties lose.
It's six.
Seven for the win.
Come on, seven.
Come on, you seven.
Yeah, we got a winner.
I'm going to wait until this is done.
There's somebody downstairs sitting right next to the phone, too.
That's the funny thing.
Anyways, that whole fucking ADD thing where it's just like, all right, you need
to calm down.
You need to focus.
Maybe you're a different kind of person.
You don't need two years of a fucking language and go through all of that
bullshit.
Hammer, hammer, hammer, hammer, hammer, hammer.
Fucking Christ.
Unbelievable.
Un-fucking-believable.
Constantly fucking places under construction.
I don't think I've ever been here where it's not under construction.
It's a beautiful mine and it needs to be occupied.
Let me go build some shit.
Hello, do you know me?
Sure, we all do.
I'm that person hammering at fucking seven in the morning.
Okay.