Name: Bill Burr - Weird Dreams
Uploaded: 2015-05-12T14:13:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Weird Dreams' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-05-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Weird Dreams' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-05-12. Transcript available.

Oh, you hear that hammering? I've been hearing that since 7 in the fucking
morning.
Yep. There you go, because I'm fucking staying with the beautiful mind right
now.
Fucking ADD out the fucking, up the goddamn trees.
You know, there's one thing that's funny. People really talk about that fucking
bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. I've been hearing that since 7 in the
morning.
You hear that? Fucking, just laying here, 7 in the morning.
And I'm fucking, as we're here, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, right?
And it's making me have all these fucking weird dreams. I had this one dream,
you know, because that hammering, that fucking hammering,
woke me up at 7 in the morning. My first words,
my first words today were, are you fucking serious? That's how I woke up. Now,
you know,
it's going to be a rough one. That's the first fucking thing. And I just, you
know, I was going
to wait to the fucking, you know, you know, the newspapers on the fucking deck
were done
and, you know, reading it and trying to figure it out. But I figured, you know,
fuck that.
I'm just going to do the podcast while the hammering's going on. I got other
shit to do.
Fuck it. So, I got to deal with it means you got to deal with it.
Did you get that one in? Oh, good. Now he's got to go cut another one.
So, we got a nice fucking 10 minutes. I don't know.
There it is.
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Fucking times you got to hit it before it's it.
Anyways, so it was causing me to have all these fucked up dreams. I had this
fucking dream
that me and Nia split up. I didn't realize it in the dream. I knew I, I don't
know. And I was out
drinking with some other comics who I don't even know who they are in the dream.
And I woke up the
next day. They like, dude, what, you know, what the fuck happened to you last
night? I was like,
what do you mean? What do you mean? He's like, you were doing the chicken dance
with that chick.
And I was like, I don't remember. I vaguely remember doing it. And I was
embarrassed. I
don't know what the chicken dance is either. That's the weird part about this
dream. And then all of a
sudden, I was just in this relationship with this fucking woman who I didn't
want to be with.
And she had this weird look on her face and she was walking weird.
She had like blonde hair. She had a weird look on her face. And it was like she
was walking the
whole fucking thing. I was going, what am I, what did I do? I broke up with Nia
and I got with this.
She's walking weird and we're doing the chicken dance. I want to get out of
here.
Now all of that came from that fucking hammering. I had that thing. And then I
had another dream.
I was pulling up to some department store in the hood for some fucking reason
because I wanted to shop.
All right. And these guys going, Hey man, why don't you just park right here?
Why don't you park?
You know, I parked in this spot and then they came up. They said, Oh, this,
this spot's for our church.
Why don't you go park down the street? Oh, we'll do it. We'll park it for you.
I was like, dude,
I'm not giving you my keys. And the next thing you know, one of them was in the
car and I was outside
the car. I'm like, Hey, you know, give me the fucking keys back. Right? So I go
into this bam,
bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. So then I fucking go into the department store.
No, Jesus Christ.
It's the same fucking nail. That's what kills me. Funny if I go down there and
he's banging his head
against the wall, trying to get all the voices out of there. Um, so I fucking,
uh,
I go into the department store and it's just this shitty ass place. And there's
like washers and
dryers and stuff. And then all of a sudden, like five of them come in and they
go, uh, Hey, you know,
you know, we got to move your car or something like that, but blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah.
You know, give me the keys. And I'll go, I'm not giving you the keys. And they
go, why? I go,
cause I'm not the white guy from Def Jam. Like, Oh, okay, here you go. Here's
my fucking keys.
Go move the car. I'm not moving the fucking car. And then I saw this whole part
of the store
that, and then they go, you're not going to buy anything here. And I go, no, I
go, no,
this fucking store sucks. And then they showed the, where all the good clothes
were. I was like,
Oh, this shows that this fucking store is actually good. I know it's a fucked
up dream,
but I got hammering in my head as I'm dreaming here. So I ended up going out
and my car's gone.
I walked down the street to where it is and they'd fucked up the fender. Now I'm
driving away.
No, I got in it and somebody came up with a gun and was trying to rob me.
I remember I just said, go fuck yourself. And now, and I was walking away and
there was like this
Asian cop, I swear to God, with like the Baltimore riots playing on a TV or
something. I don't know
why I had this dream, right? I'm fucking walking out and this Asian cop, I'm
going, you see these
guys, when they're going to, they're going to fucking shoot me. And he said
something,
he's eating like this fish sandwich. And he was just like, yeah, you know, I
can't fucking help
you. You know, he had the white shirt on, you know, the fucking police chief.
He was just like,
yeah, you know, I can't help you. And then they were saying they were going to
follow me. And I
said, I said that I didn't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself. And then I was on Sunset
Boulevard and I
drove home to a different house. And then I woke up, I woke up and I had a
fantasy about having
ridiculous security. And I popped up on their GPS screen and all their fucking
phones as they were
pulling up the street. And I just yelled at him with this goat's head on, said
I was in the Illuminati
and they got scared and they left. That's my morning. That's what happens when
you wake up to
hammering. I don't know what any of that means, but I got to tell you, as
fucked up as the second
dream was, the first one was scarier. Jesus Christ. Even in my dream, why don't
I just say,
hey, you know, I'm sure you're a lovely person to somebody else, but not to me.
I don't want to
be in this anymore. All right. It is you and it's me. That's my new one.
Instead, it's not you. It's
me. It's not me. It's you. It is me. And it's you. All right. It's fucking
everybody. Thanks to you.
It's not working for all of us. The Ununited Way.